Today was really, really hard in an emotionally exhausting kind of way. I didn't expect it to be easy, even though I was surrounded by so many awesomely amazing friends and family, I was never alone for very long, and that helped immensely, just knowing I had people to lean on. I had probably hundreds of hugs and kind words sent my way, and it just helped me so much more then I could ever hope to express. There were times that I broke down into tears, times I got too over-sensitive and needed some extra time and patience, but today proved to me most of all that it's ok to need people, and it's ok to want to be held and it's ok to be loved and to accept that love. I feel so tired, but I'm happy because a day that used to be so scary for me, now has hope of being something healing, something that I can move forward from.
and maybe one day I'll look back at all of this and see how far I've come, and be able to smile. Today, it was simply enough to say that I survived, that I was brave enough to not let my past continue to rule me.
Another good memory placed on top of the bad.
and maybe one day I'll look back at all of this and see how far I've come, and be able to smile. Today, it was simply enough to say that I survived, that I was brave enough to not let my past continue to rule me.
Another good memory placed on top of the bad.
Tomorrow is the day I've been dreading all month, since the arrival of halloween decorations in stores reminded me of a hauntingly painful past as it does every year. And I've been hiding, and worried and fretful, I've stressed myself out to the max, until I literally made myself physically ill, and then I realized something today.....
.....a friend pointed out to me that every year that I live in this great terror, every year that I let those memories drown out any happiness in my life, is another year those people have won, and I shouldn't keep letting them win. My own mommy even said so, that I have to keep replacing the old bad icky memories with better more positive ones.
When I was a child, every year at halloween and many other religious holidaus as well, but halloween was the worst, my parents took me and my younger brother to 'church', but it wasn't the 'good wholesome family activity' it appeared to be. You see, me and my brother and several others I grew up with, were abused by people involved in satanic practices, and they hid it under the guise of religion. Alot of people to this day deny that any of this happened, and so it is still a very hard thing even to type out....but as I cast this out upon the table, I do it only for one reason....so I can print it out in black and white, and release this fear within me.
Because from now on i don't want my past to rule me, I want to be able to move forward. Maybe I will never get much further then a few fumbling steps, but I don't ever want to be as afraid as I am now, I want to be able to replace bad horrible memories with better ones....and so tomorrow is going to be a day of playing, and just enjoying life, and it might be the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but I know I can't cower in fear forever. Tomorrow is my own personal celebration of how far I've come in my life this far, and how far I know i can go because I have the most amazing friends and family surrounding me.
Tomorrow is sparkly purple glitter day!
That's what I will tell myself whenever the memories surface, and things get too over welming, I will just tell myself I have so much in my life to celebrate, and I don't have to keep letting those people win anymore, they can't hurt me now, I'm safe, protected and very much loved. I'm the luckiest little girl in the world.
.....a friend pointed out to me that every year that I live in this great terror, every year that I let those memories drown out any happiness in my life, is another year those people have won, and I shouldn't keep letting them win. My own mommy even said so, that I have to keep replacing the old bad icky memories with better more positive ones.
When I was a child, every year at halloween and many other religious holidaus as well, but halloween was the worst, my parents took me and my younger brother to 'church', but it wasn't the 'good wholesome family activity' it appeared to be. You see, me and my brother and several others I grew up with, were abused by people involved in satanic practices, and they hid it under the guise of religion. Alot of people to this day deny that any of this happened, and so it is still a very hard thing even to type out....but as I cast this out upon the table, I do it only for one reason....so I can print it out in black and white, and release this fear within me.
Because from now on i don't want my past to rule me, I want to be able to move forward. Maybe I will never get much further then a few fumbling steps, but I don't ever want to be as afraid as I am now, I want to be able to replace bad horrible memories with better ones....and so tomorrow is going to be a day of playing, and just enjoying life, and it might be the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but I know I can't cower in fear forever. Tomorrow is my own personal celebration of how far I've come in my life this far, and how far I know i can go because I have the most amazing friends and family surrounding me.
Tomorrow is sparkly purple glitter day!
That's what I will tell myself whenever the memories surface, and things get too over welming, I will just tell myself I have so much in my life to celebrate, and I don't have to keep letting those people win anymore, they can't hurt me now, I'm safe, protected and very much loved. I'm the luckiest little girl in the world.
I'm posting this a day late cause I wrote it up last night, but I couldn't acess the site then.
one week til we get money!~dances round just for special effect~
Today I went to see my caseworker, and it went really good, usually I'm super nervous, and I never know what to say around her and so I end up not really taking about the things that get on my nerves the most and instead just fumbling for words or struggling to say what i think she wants to hear. But it turns out she talks with my councilor about me, and so she wasn't weirded out when I told her about having an IK, and so when I finish this project about myself for my councilor, she wants to see it too! And she totally listened to me talking about how ageplay is for me, and just made me feel very positive about things, and she said having an innerchild definatly sounds like a good way for me to view life and so that took so many worries away from me, and I just felt so free then, because of all the people in my life who I might worry would say I was a freak, people like my councilor, caseworker and doctor are right at the top of the list, so now that they all know life just feels a tad bit less stressful for me, and I'm not so worried bout making this project look so perfect, in fact maybe I'll be able to take pics of it with my webcam and post it here when I'm done with it!
And I role played lots today, cause i do that lots everyday, but like today I was feeling really extra sensitive about something someone said to me, but then I actually told my friend that the way she was telling me about my typos and stuff made me feel, and we worked through it, and it was kind of weird to me to realize that a complete stranger can insult me, and I not even be phased, but when someone I care about a whole lot, thinks I'm doing something wrong I totally just freak out, and so i cried a tiny bit, and after that i just hid from most people, because this being extra-over sensitive lately is just not something most people can handle, and I respect that, they shouldn't have to be on the high alert for every single one of my triggers, it just means that I absolutly must hide and try to console myself, and it's hard because my mommy does so much for me in real life.....sooo much that when i am online, I constantly spin in circles wondering why she isn't there, and then I remember the talks me and her had about her not being able to be around, because she can't keep up with me, so then I hafta remember to let my big help me and.....people may think my big is a good Guardian but...~rolls eyes~ that still doesn't mean I wanna listen to her!~giggles~
I just feel a lot like I have something really big and important to say lately, but it won't come out, like i just need to cry, but I don't know what i have to cry over, it's just this achy longing in my heart, but I can't really pinpoint what it is. I really just want halloween to hurry up an come an go so I can get on with my year and not worry bout it for 12 more months again. On this role play group I'm on this girl and her brother are really super scared of halloween, so they invent a silly holiday of their own to replace it called purple day, and I wish I had the things around my house and I'd have purple day, or zoomy day or something....but now my thoughts are just spinning so I should end this for the night.
one week til we get money!~dances round just for special effect~
Today I went to see my caseworker, and it went really good, usually I'm super nervous, and I never know what to say around her and so I end up not really taking about the things that get on my nerves the most and instead just fumbling for words or struggling to say what i think she wants to hear. But it turns out she talks with my councilor about me, and so she wasn't weirded out when I told her about having an IK, and so when I finish this project about myself for my councilor, she wants to see it too! And she totally listened to me talking about how ageplay is for me, and just made me feel very positive about things, and she said having an innerchild definatly sounds like a good way for me to view life and so that took so many worries away from me, and I just felt so free then, because of all the people in my life who I might worry would say I was a freak, people like my councilor, caseworker and doctor are right at the top of the list, so now that they all know life just feels a tad bit less stressful for me, and I'm not so worried bout making this project look so perfect, in fact maybe I'll be able to take pics of it with my webcam and post it here when I'm done with it!
And I role played lots today, cause i do that lots everyday, but like today I was feeling really extra sensitive about something someone said to me, but then I actually told my friend that the way she was telling me about my typos and stuff made me feel, and we worked through it, and it was kind of weird to me to realize that a complete stranger can insult me, and I not even be phased, but when someone I care about a whole lot, thinks I'm doing something wrong I totally just freak out, and so i cried a tiny bit, and after that i just hid from most people, because this being extra-over sensitive lately is just not something most people can handle, and I respect that, they shouldn't have to be on the high alert for every single one of my triggers, it just means that I absolutly must hide and try to console myself, and it's hard because my mommy does so much for me in real life.....sooo much that when i am online, I constantly spin in circles wondering why she isn't there, and then I remember the talks me and her had about her not being able to be around, because she can't keep up with me, so then I hafta remember to let my big help me and.....people may think my big is a good Guardian but...~rolls eyes~ that still doesn't mean I wanna listen to her!~giggles~
I just feel a lot like I have something really big and important to say lately, but it won't come out, like i just need to cry, but I don't know what i have to cry over, it's just this achy longing in my heart, but I can't really pinpoint what it is. I really just want halloween to hurry up an come an go so I can get on with my year and not worry bout it for 12 more months again. On this role play group I'm on this girl and her brother are really super scared of halloween, so they invent a silly holiday of their own to replace it called purple day, and I wish I had the things around my house and I'd have purple day, or zoomy day or something....but now my thoughts are just spinning so I should end this for the night.
Texas weather is so weeeeird, it was 29 degrees yesterday, and then tomorrow it's suposda be like 80! ~rolls eyes~ so at least i won't be cold! But still 8 days til we get money an buy a heater....an maybe some toys too! I was very super extra lazy today, all I did was play online, and I think that I proved to myself that I was extra irritable, because my back ached lots and my head hurt, and that getting up and moving around during the day is good for me, even if I am used to spending over 12 hours a day online, it's a very bad habit i have to break. My mommy has a very super scary, but also very personal medical prob goin' on right now, so she went to the doctor today, and she has to go see a specialist now, and she might hafta have surgery an stuff so, I'm kinda worried bout that, but I also can't talk bout it, 'cause she says I can't so just....i'm antsy an stuff bout it, an it twists my tummy inna scary kinda knots.
But it was kind of a lonely day cause my mommy was gone in the morning, and when she came home she was hurtin' lots so she just slept all day, and it was one of those days where the time just flew by so fast, that i hardly even knew where it all went to, and when i looked back on it, all I did was role play, stay in my pjs and just blahh.....my life is really so boring sometimes.
And I was feeling so extra sensitive today, like yesterday I felt mean and gorrible and like i wanted to just bite and kick and be soooo bad, and only today, i felt like all of those feelings got reversed, and so it felt like the world was doing that to me, and I felt as fragile as an egg shell. and I couldn't really do anything about it, so I was kind of pouting and feeling alot like I should've gone back to bed. But I force myself to stay connected, and to not lose my spark, I force myself to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world, because I know that's my first natural instinct at this time of year, and so in making myself stay in the open, I'm hoping I won't stay so depressed, but I feel a bit cranky about it too, like the light that I keep shedding on my soul is too bright, and so it's scaring the rest of the world away from me.
People keep telling me i need to find more balance in my life, and that totally confuses me, because that seems to mean something different to everyone, and then it seems to boil down to, "this is what works for me, so therefore it should work for you too", and it doesn't work that way, and it doesn't work that I really can't change a whole lot about my physical situation, I can't make my immune system function so I can work, or make any of my other health problems subside, I just have to keep going like I am, and all I can do is keep a positive attitude....which lately is very much lacking I guess, so maybe people just want the hyperness back....and I lost it...and like they expect me to just go talk to them about things, I don't even talk to my mommy about, because I should "be more open with people", but right now that's really all I can manage....I'm starting to get a complex I'm just never good enough for people, but for some reason it's really important to them that I appear to be good enough....it's a weird feeling....like I'm in the spotlight for no real reason other then that I don't mind blogging out all of my boring weird thoughts....
I made chocolate pudding tonight! So that's my happy thought for the night, sugar free chocolate pudding and a new Junie B. Book.
But it was kind of a lonely day cause my mommy was gone in the morning, and when she came home she was hurtin' lots so she just slept all day, and it was one of those days where the time just flew by so fast, that i hardly even knew where it all went to, and when i looked back on it, all I did was role play, stay in my pjs and just blahh.....my life is really so boring sometimes.
And I was feeling so extra sensitive today, like yesterday I felt mean and gorrible and like i wanted to just bite and kick and be soooo bad, and only today, i felt like all of those feelings got reversed, and so it felt like the world was doing that to me, and I felt as fragile as an egg shell. and I couldn't really do anything about it, so I was kind of pouting and feeling alot like I should've gone back to bed. But I force myself to stay connected, and to not lose my spark, I force myself to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world, because I know that's my first natural instinct at this time of year, and so in making myself stay in the open, I'm hoping I won't stay so depressed, but I feel a bit cranky about it too, like the light that I keep shedding on my soul is too bright, and so it's scaring the rest of the world away from me.
People keep telling me i need to find more balance in my life, and that totally confuses me, because that seems to mean something different to everyone, and then it seems to boil down to, "this is what works for me, so therefore it should work for you too", and it doesn't work that way, and it doesn't work that I really can't change a whole lot about my physical situation, I can't make my immune system function so I can work, or make any of my other health problems subside, I just have to keep going like I am, and all I can do is keep a positive attitude....which lately is very much lacking I guess, so maybe people just want the hyperness back....and I lost it...and like they expect me to just go talk to them about things, I don't even talk to my mommy about, because I should "be more open with people", but right now that's really all I can manage....I'm starting to get a complex I'm just never good enough for people, but for some reason it's really important to them that I appear to be good enough....it's a weird feeling....like I'm in the spotlight for no real reason other then that I don't mind blogging out all of my boring weird thoughts....
I made chocolate pudding tonight! So that's my happy thought for the night, sugar free chocolate pudding and a new Junie B. Book.
9 days left til we can buy a heater, and it was 29 degrees when I woke up this morning brrrr!! I had to wake up at 8am so we could get ready to go to the doctor and I was just all nervous and antsy and I was kinda snippy to my mommy and so it just wasn't a good morning. But then captrans came, (those are lil buses that run to take people to medical appointments an stuff) and off we went! and it was so freezing even in the doctor's office, so they couldn't hardly get a good vein an stuff but then they did eventually and my blood sugar was good an my A1c was good(thats the number that tells a doctor what my blood sugar has been like for the past 3 months), and my liver levels are still elevated an cept my doctor says it's because of all the meds I take so my liver hasta work extra hard to pump them all through my system....an I kinda got a talkin to bout not goin to my eye doctor appointment an bout not goin to another specialist he wants me to see, but he also said I don't gotta go see him for 3 months so I'm super happy!!
And my mommy made this weird concoction last night, cause she was up all night an couldn't sleep, an it's like pizza dough with sauce cooked into it and then hamburger meat cooked into it and it's actually really good even tho it sounds weird, and so we ate that fot lunch. and then i just was lazy today and played lots and mostly just it was a quiet day for me after that.
I think I don't like how easily irritable i notice I am though, because I feel like such tiny things drive me over the brink, and i should be able to just let them go, but I don't and so they eat away at me. My caseworker says it's part of having bi-polar an when i am manic my brain is over stimulated, an cept it makes me go right back to how I was analyzing how my medication works, but today i was like....picturing my brain scraping off the nice healing salve on my frazzled nerves and instead just letting itself be mean and rude and full of this vile ugly energy. It still kind of disgusts me, even though I know I'm really not a mean person, it's just that, taking off the mask is still very revealing even to me, and having to just be real is so much harder then being bouncy.....anyhoo
Guess that's all for tonight cause I'm tryin' hard not to work myself into a major funk over all this....this time of year just is so blahh and I'm just waiting for this impending doom to crash down, and it never does, but I always feel like I'm waiting for something totally horrid to happen regardless.
And my mommy made this weird concoction last night, cause she was up all night an couldn't sleep, an it's like pizza dough with sauce cooked into it and then hamburger meat cooked into it and it's actually really good even tho it sounds weird, and so we ate that fot lunch. and then i just was lazy today and played lots and mostly just it was a quiet day for me after that.
I think I don't like how easily irritable i notice I am though, because I feel like such tiny things drive me over the brink, and i should be able to just let them go, but I don't and so they eat away at me. My caseworker says it's part of having bi-polar an when i am manic my brain is over stimulated, an cept it makes me go right back to how I was analyzing how my medication works, but today i was like....picturing my brain scraping off the nice healing salve on my frazzled nerves and instead just letting itself be mean and rude and full of this vile ugly energy. It still kind of disgusts me, even though I know I'm really not a mean person, it's just that, taking off the mask is still very revealing even to me, and having to just be real is so much harder then being bouncy.....anyhoo
Guess that's all for tonight cause I'm tryin' hard not to work myself into a major funk over all this....this time of year just is so blahh and I'm just waiting for this impending doom to crash down, and it never does, but I always feel like I'm waiting for something totally horrid to happen regardless.
Today was mostly a good day. It was really really cold again this morning brrr! And still 10 days left til we can buy a heater. I got all snuggled up in front of the TV whe I woke up, watched some cartoons and just lounged around all lazy like in my giant cheetah blanket, i love it because i only pull it out at winter time, and it's king sized and all fleecey and warm, so it was a snuggly morning.
and then my mommy woke up, and she let me be little and help her fix lunch, mostly this meant I got to get all of the things out of the fridge, and then put them away, and i wasn't allowed to do anything she wouldn't let a bio kid do, and so then we sat on the floor and had a picnic with our lunch. What we ate was probably a bit weird to most people though, cause we dry up tuna fish and make a stir fry with bell peppers and carrots and then rolled it up into tortillas, and so you have to kind of aquire a taste for it, but we like it, so it was good and happiness, we kind of end up eating things like that towards the end of the month when money doesn't stretch, but it's at times like this, when I'm cold, and eating funny concoctions, that I still manage to feel very blessed and lucky, i have the best mommy in the whole wide world, I have warm fleecey blankets, and really even though my life isn't perfect, it's mine and so it's perfect for me.
Being easily suggestable did not help me today, I was crannnnky sometimes....I kind of got over stimulated, and so even though some days like yesterday are super good, as the day went on, I started to get more easily irritated, and it all kind of started because my mommy was making a comment on the picture I was coloring, and she was trying to help me, but I was afraid she was saying how horrible it was, and so that's all I could hear then. So then I automatically shut myself up into Leah mode, (and she is my 11 year old IK for people who don't know), and that was definatly not a good thing because she is very protective, and when I am in Leah mode I find myself arguing with every tiny thing people say, even if they are right, I find myself being mean and just wanting to have people feel as bad and yucky as I do inside, and it's just more of that monster inside me poking it's ugly head through, but I was really mean to people today....and so now I'm feeling icky and like a horrid person.
And I really, really want to go eat the rest of the brownies we made yesterday, but I'm not going to because I see my doctor in the morning, so I have to be extra good all the rest of tonight and only drink water so my blood sugar will be good, because that's another reason I'm so anxious today, because I always feel like i am having to prove myself to people, and like nothing I ever do is good enough, and alot of my medical history growing up was about whatever my mother said being the truth, so now I don't trust doctors a whole lot because of how she hurt me by making me sick to get attention....and so if I even suspect a doctor is accusing me of faking symptoms or of not taking care of myself and he's wrong, it's a major trigger to sending me into a whirlwind of flashbacks.
~sighs~
It sounds like all I do is whine lately....and I don't even have normal things to whine about, and so it feels like a very piriful existence....I mean i played with my dog lots, I colored, I played with play doh with my mommy, and we even played my new memory card game! And so I have way too much to be happy about to really be so worried and irritated over things that the people doing them, don't even know they are being so darn irritating....well at least writing this makes me feel better now, so I accomplished something in my useless babblings.
and then my mommy woke up, and she let me be little and help her fix lunch, mostly this meant I got to get all of the things out of the fridge, and then put them away, and i wasn't allowed to do anything she wouldn't let a bio kid do, and so then we sat on the floor and had a picnic with our lunch. What we ate was probably a bit weird to most people though, cause we dry up tuna fish and make a stir fry with bell peppers and carrots and then rolled it up into tortillas, and so you have to kind of aquire a taste for it, but we like it, so it was good and happiness, we kind of end up eating things like that towards the end of the month when money doesn't stretch, but it's at times like this, when I'm cold, and eating funny concoctions, that I still manage to feel very blessed and lucky, i have the best mommy in the whole wide world, I have warm fleecey blankets, and really even though my life isn't perfect, it's mine and so it's perfect for me.
Being easily suggestable did not help me today, I was crannnnky sometimes....I kind of got over stimulated, and so even though some days like yesterday are super good, as the day went on, I started to get more easily irritated, and it all kind of started because my mommy was making a comment on the picture I was coloring, and she was trying to help me, but I was afraid she was saying how horrible it was, and so that's all I could hear then. So then I automatically shut myself up into Leah mode, (and she is my 11 year old IK for people who don't know), and that was definatly not a good thing because she is very protective, and when I am in Leah mode I find myself arguing with every tiny thing people say, even if they are right, I find myself being mean and just wanting to have people feel as bad and yucky as I do inside, and it's just more of that monster inside me poking it's ugly head through, but I was really mean to people today....and so now I'm feeling icky and like a horrid person.
And I really, really want to go eat the rest of the brownies we made yesterday, but I'm not going to because I see my doctor in the morning, so I have to be extra good all the rest of tonight and only drink water so my blood sugar will be good, because that's another reason I'm so anxious today, because I always feel like i am having to prove myself to people, and like nothing I ever do is good enough, and alot of my medical history growing up was about whatever my mother said being the truth, so now I don't trust doctors a whole lot because of how she hurt me by making me sick to get attention....and so if I even suspect a doctor is accusing me of faking symptoms or of not taking care of myself and he's wrong, it's a major trigger to sending me into a whirlwind of flashbacks.
~sighs~
It sounds like all I do is whine lately....and I don't even have normal things to whine about, and so it feels like a very piriful existence....I mean i played with my dog lots, I colored, I played with play doh with my mommy, and we even played my new memory card game! And so I have way too much to be happy about to really be so worried and irritated over things that the people doing them, don't even know they are being so darn irritating....well at least writing this makes me feel better now, so I accomplished something in my useless babblings.
Well last night was the first night i didn't take my sleeping med. I really was worried about not sleeping, but I slept for 10 hours! It's silly how I can make myself be so paranoid and then there isn't anything to worry about really. I've been trying to give myself a good routine of things everyday though so that my brain is tired and my body is tired and then my thoughts don't wander to all sorts of scary places so much.
I took my first upped dose of my mood stabilizer today though and then I was being weird and searching how the meds work, and how it makes my thoughts calm down by making my brain not so stimulated, and it's like i'm easily suggestable, so my brain is like...oh yeah ok! and then even if the upped dosage isn't even in my body really yet, my brain is convinced it's working so much better, and I'll start to visualize how it feels to not be so anxious, or easily irritated or triggered by every tiny little thing....I'm such a weirdo some days, but it made my day run smoother to image it working like that, like there was a soother for my frazzled nerves working it's magic on me.
Today was very comfy, cozy and quiet. It was really cold, and still no heater here so I woke up at like 10 and fixed cream of wheat, because it's like my comfort food when i'm cold or sick, or just feeling little, and i snuggled up in front of the tv, watched blue's clues and just generally felt little. and then I talked lots to my friends, and posted, and we listened to "Adventures in Odyssey"(which is a kid's christian radio program me and my mommy listen to together lots) and we baked brownies too! an cept I was not suposda eat 4 brownies and it was very bad for my blood sugar, but my mommy says, nobody can be perfect all the time, so it was ok....just this once she says!~giggles~
And me and my mommy talked bout some more sewing projects I'm going to work on, and found more scraps round the house and I was just plotting stuff. and then I was talking to someone tonight and it reminded me how much i miss playing my sims game, and how I used to love that, and how there are lots of things I used to love that i hardly do anymore, so I'm gunna make a real effort to try more to do them now too, and that makes me feel more productive, an less depressed this time of year, when i feel like everyone has more of a life then me.
And it's starting to get really cold tonight, we even have a frost warning for tomorrow morning ....in texas! brrrr so I got blankets in the dryer to stay warm with tonight! hehe
Lotsa people, are being really super nice and concerned bout this whole halloween issue I got, an cept, I'm just not ready to talk about it yet, so I really, really appreciate all the nice private messages, and I mean that so very sincerely with all my heart and soul, just give me time, cause it's really not an easy thing to just jump right into saying at all, but I think as each day goes on, the mask I wear gets peeled off more an more an I get closer to being able to get through my past, and move on with my iife more without those scary monster flashbacks consuming me....least I can hope it works that way.
~snuggles up in my fresh smellin' dryer warmed blankets for the night~
I took my first upped dose of my mood stabilizer today though and then I was being weird and searching how the meds work, and how it makes my thoughts calm down by making my brain not so stimulated, and it's like i'm easily suggestable, so my brain is like...oh yeah ok! and then even if the upped dosage isn't even in my body really yet, my brain is convinced it's working so much better, and I'll start to visualize how it feels to not be so anxious, or easily irritated or triggered by every tiny little thing....I'm such a weirdo some days, but it made my day run smoother to image it working like that, like there was a soother for my frazzled nerves working it's magic on me.
Today was very comfy, cozy and quiet. It was really cold, and still no heater here so I woke up at like 10 and fixed cream of wheat, because it's like my comfort food when i'm cold or sick, or just feeling little, and i snuggled up in front of the tv, watched blue's clues and just generally felt little. and then I talked lots to my friends, and posted, and we listened to "Adventures in Odyssey"(which is a kid's christian radio program me and my mommy listen to together lots) and we baked brownies too! an cept I was not suposda eat 4 brownies and it was very bad for my blood sugar, but my mommy says, nobody can be perfect all the time, so it was ok....just this once she says!~giggles~
And me and my mommy talked bout some more sewing projects I'm going to work on, and found more scraps round the house and I was just plotting stuff. and then I was talking to someone tonight and it reminded me how much i miss playing my sims game, and how I used to love that, and how there are lots of things I used to love that i hardly do anymore, so I'm gunna make a real effort to try more to do them now too, and that makes me feel more productive, an less depressed this time of year, when i feel like everyone has more of a life then me.
And it's starting to get really cold tonight, we even have a frost warning for tomorrow morning ....in texas! brrrr so I got blankets in the dryer to stay warm with tonight! hehe
Lotsa people, are being really super nice and concerned bout this whole halloween issue I got, an cept, I'm just not ready to talk about it yet, so I really, really appreciate all the nice private messages, and I mean that so very sincerely with all my heart and soul, just give me time, cause it's really not an easy thing to just jump right into saying at all, but I think as each day goes on, the mask I wear gets peeled off more an more an I get closer to being able to get through my past, and move on with my iife more without those scary monster flashbacks consuming me....least I can hope it works that way.
~snuggles up in my fresh smellin' dryer warmed blankets for the night~
Today I had to wake up way early to go see the psychiatrist. I'd had blood work done and so there was med adjustments that had to be done, cause it's sorta scary, but one of the meds I'm on, the level that is theraputic, is very close to the level that is toxic, and so I hafta be careful and get blood work done lots and so my level wasn't at the right level yet so i hafta take even more pills blahh! And also, since she thinks this pill will help me, she wants me to stop taking my sleeping pill and that kinda scares me too because I get really antsy sometimes about not being able to fall asleep, and it's at night time that my thoughts tend to wander the most and so I'm worried I won't be able to sleep, even with these new meds calming my mind down more. and so I guess I just have to get used to it though, and really like, if i could convince myself that something like a vitamin was a sleeping pill I probably wouldn't be so worried, I'm strange like that, very gullible and easily distracted and persauded by things.
My blood pressure was good today too, and that's really the first time it has been and so it's kind of encouraging to see everything isn't totally falling apart health-wise. I hafta go see my regular doctor on monday and that just starts to make me feel like all I ever do is see doctors lately and it's kinda depressing.
But after we got home today, my mommy made pork chops for lunch and then we played some. and then I watched tons of just kid stuff on tv like arthur and franklin and full house and stuff and so it was nice and cozy, cause it's chilly outside and we still dont got a heater an so bein all wrapped up in the blankets was very nice to snuggle in front of the tv. And we cleaned house lots, because we just been kinda lazy, but me and my mommy are trying to make a big effort ro get things cleaned up and keep them more neat and so we're working hard at doing that.
I really wanted to watch tv again tonight, I kept hoping for a good friday night movie, but it was all just scary halloween stuff, and so I just stayed online, which is just as good, because i got to talk to lots of my friends, and so I feel really good about how my day went. I still feel really confused and hurt and scared about things happening with my family, and just I don't know how to get those emotions out yet, I feel like I want to scream one moment, and fall down in tears the next. One second I'm a raging zoomin mass of anger, and the next i long to just be wrapped up in the hugest hug ever and just stay there, and I feel like it's not right for anyone to deal with me being so moody, so I struggle with not putting on that happy mask, and i struggle with being real, and letting people see me for who I am.
Sometimes I just wish it was easier to express myself, without it sounding to people like I was angry AT them, but just angry at a situation, or I just want to vent, and I don't have a tangible source to aim all my frustration at. Sometimes I wonder why it has to hurt so much, and why was it so easy to play and laugh and be silly before, and now it's a struggle, now I have a past, and most of it is full of amazing memories, it's just those times when my heart has gotten stomped on thoroughly, that I wonder if it's all worth it. But then I look back and see all of the people surrounding me, and I know I'll be ok....I just need time....an lots of it.....thank goodness for the patience my family an friends have....~nodding lots an lots~
My blood pressure was good today too, and that's really the first time it has been and so it's kind of encouraging to see everything isn't totally falling apart health-wise. I hafta go see my regular doctor on monday and that just starts to make me feel like all I ever do is see doctors lately and it's kinda depressing.
But after we got home today, my mommy made pork chops for lunch and then we played some. and then I watched tons of just kid stuff on tv like arthur and franklin and full house and stuff and so it was nice and cozy, cause it's chilly outside and we still dont got a heater an so bein all wrapped up in the blankets was very nice to snuggle in front of the tv. And we cleaned house lots, because we just been kinda lazy, but me and my mommy are trying to make a big effort ro get things cleaned up and keep them more neat and so we're working hard at doing that.
I really wanted to watch tv again tonight, I kept hoping for a good friday night movie, but it was all just scary halloween stuff, and so I just stayed online, which is just as good, because i got to talk to lots of my friends, and so I feel really good about how my day went. I still feel really confused and hurt and scared about things happening with my family, and just I don't know how to get those emotions out yet, I feel like I want to scream one moment, and fall down in tears the next. One second I'm a raging zoomin mass of anger, and the next i long to just be wrapped up in the hugest hug ever and just stay there, and I feel like it's not right for anyone to deal with me being so moody, so I struggle with not putting on that happy mask, and i struggle with being real, and letting people see me for who I am.
Sometimes I just wish it was easier to express myself, without it sounding to people like I was angry AT them, but just angry at a situation, or I just want to vent, and I don't have a tangible source to aim all my frustration at. Sometimes I wonder why it has to hurt so much, and why was it so easy to play and laugh and be silly before, and now it's a struggle, now I have a past, and most of it is full of amazing memories, it's just those times when my heart has gotten stomped on thoroughly, that I wonder if it's all worth it. But then I look back and see all of the people surrounding me, and I know I'll be ok....I just need time....an lots of it.....thank goodness for the patience my family an friends have....~nodding lots an lots~
Today when I saw my councilor, we talked about some stuff thats really important to me. We talked about why I always think I don't fit in, and how self conscious I always am in social situations. It's funny because maya isn't a very shy part of me, she's out going and friendly, and even when she is akward, she just keeps right on zooming....but in real life it's soooo not me, I'm so shy an jus I hide all up in myself so much that people hardly ever really get to see who i am.
My councilor doesn't totally understand about maya yet, but I think she wants to, and so when I see her in two weeks, I have to make two pictures. The first picture is about maya, and about that part of my life I really enjoy, and I have to make it like a collage and just include all of maya's interests, and just i can make it into a book if i want she says and just do whatever to present that part of myself to her.But the other side of that, is I hafta show her the side of me in real life too, the side that's lacking in confidence and feels like it has nothing to offer the world. And so, I'm not sure I see her point in this yet, but at least it will be a challenge and keep me busy for the next two weeks. and I have the homework I've had for almost a month now, and thats that everyday, i have to write down 3 positive things that happened in my day. And it seems at first like it would be easy, but when I was finding it to be harder then it seemed, she said it's because i don't really believe that I'm worthy of all of the positive things that are in my life, and so working on that self-worth is something we're doing alot of.
I still feel very much like there is something deep and evil clawing at my insides some days, and like I can't escape the fear that all of the flashbacks that surround me this time of year are going to just overwelhm me so much....but I know that I can do it. She told me, right when I first started counciling, that the things i wanted to work on from my past, were not going to be easy things, but that her job, and my caseworkers job, is to give me the right coping skills to deal with them safely now.
No progress in the land of sewing, I actually havent sewed anything in almost a week, not because I've lost interest, actually I'm just such a perfectionist that i want to make stuff be all perfect the first time and so part of me is waiting until I can buy some fabric scraps from wal-mart on the first, but i have tons of them here too....I'm just weird wanting to plot things out and have them turn out 'just so' even if part of learning new things should be making mistakes, in my world it's always been all or nothing, and i don't leave myself room for mistakes.Well I'm gunna hush now....I see my psych doc tomorrow for some med adjustments I think....so i should get to bed early.~zooooms~
My councilor doesn't totally understand about maya yet, but I think she wants to, and so when I see her in two weeks, I have to make two pictures. The first picture is about maya, and about that part of my life I really enjoy, and I have to make it like a collage and just include all of maya's interests, and just i can make it into a book if i want she says and just do whatever to present that part of myself to her.But the other side of that, is I hafta show her the side of me in real life too, the side that's lacking in confidence and feels like it has nothing to offer the world. And so, I'm not sure I see her point in this yet, but at least it will be a challenge and keep me busy for the next two weeks. and I have the homework I've had for almost a month now, and thats that everyday, i have to write down 3 positive things that happened in my day. And it seems at first like it would be easy, but when I was finding it to be harder then it seemed, she said it's because i don't really believe that I'm worthy of all of the positive things that are in my life, and so working on that self-worth is something we're doing alot of.
I still feel very much like there is something deep and evil clawing at my insides some days, and like I can't escape the fear that all of the flashbacks that surround me this time of year are going to just overwelhm me so much....but I know that I can do it. She told me, right when I first started counciling, that the things i wanted to work on from my past, were not going to be easy things, but that her job, and my caseworkers job, is to give me the right coping skills to deal with them safely now.
No progress in the land of sewing, I actually havent sewed anything in almost a week, not because I've lost interest, actually I'm just such a perfectionist that i want to make stuff be all perfect the first time and so part of me is waiting until I can buy some fabric scraps from wal-mart on the first, but i have tons of them here too....I'm just weird wanting to plot things out and have them turn out 'just so' even if part of learning new things should be making mistakes, in my world it's always been all or nothing, and i don't leave myself room for mistakes.Well I'm gunna hush now....I see my psych doc tomorrow for some med adjustments I think....so i should get to bed early.~zooooms~
I'm teaching myself how to sew. This is really significant to me 'cause when I was a biokid nobody ever had patience for such things, and it's something I've just suddenly been sparked by wanting to do. I've mostly been reading websites, but today my mommy actually sat down with me and showed me how to do two kinds of stiched and so we ripped up an old shirt I never wear and made pouches out of the sleeve by sewing up the ends and it was neat because I really didn't do too bad on it at all. We don't actually own a whole lot of sewing stuff right at the moment though so next month I think that might be what I do because I just have all of these plots for things I could do.
I think that having little projects to do will help me through this next part of the year though because this is when I usually tend to get so depressed and close my off to things and people, and so maybe having this will keep me from just sleeping all day and just not feeling quite so useless all the time. And in a way it's like being able to stare down all those things my biomom said about me not being able to learn to do this because it would be too hard for me to see, or too hard to do this or that, and it's just like saying...."I did it, so there!!". Which is silly why after all these years I still care very deeply what she thinks, even though I kinow she is never going to be proud of me, and I'm never going to be good enough for her because I don't do things just exactly, perfectly her way.....
And so when I was finishin up my little projects for the day, I was so happy, it was the best feeling in the world for my mommy to pick them up, look at them and say "very good" that.....was the best feeling in the world.
I think that having little projects to do will help me through this next part of the year though because this is when I usually tend to get so depressed and close my off to things and people, and so maybe having this will keep me from just sleeping all day and just not feeling quite so useless all the time. And in a way it's like being able to stare down all those things my biomom said about me not being able to learn to do this because it would be too hard for me to see, or too hard to do this or that, and it's just like saying...."I did it, so there!!". Which is silly why after all these years I still care very deeply what she thinks, even though I kinow she is never going to be proud of me, and I'm never going to be good enough for her because I don't do things just exactly, perfectly her way.....
And so when I was finishin up my little projects for the day, I was so happy, it was the best feeling in the world for my mommy to pick them up, look at them and say "very good" that.....was the best feeling in the world.
Some times I want to feel seperate. Like not from anything or anyone specific, i just want to find myself, without the labels that go along with it.
Like in real life I don't want to be "that blind girl" or at the hospital be "that medical miracle". I don't always want to be "the zoomy one" an just different stuff I want to find who I really am deep inside.
I'm not sure if I can do that, but I want to, I want to see what everyone else says they see....it's just hard to break past those things, pull down the walls and really be myself.
Sometimes when I think about what really makes me "me", I don't even know, because I've spent so much time trying to please other people, that who I am, has gotten lost in the shuffle.
I'm trying to have the courage to accept all of the love around me, to accept that not only do I deserve it, but I deserve to have my own thoughts, opinions, likes and dislikes, and all of the things that go with being a real person, beyond the shell of a mask I hid behind for so long.
Like in real life I don't want to be "that blind girl" or at the hospital be "that medical miracle". I don't always want to be "the zoomy one" an just different stuff I want to find who I really am deep inside.
I'm not sure if I can do that, but I want to, I want to see what everyone else says they see....it's just hard to break past those things, pull down the walls and really be myself.
Sometimes when I think about what really makes me "me", I don't even know, because I've spent so much time trying to please other people, that who I am, has gotten lost in the shuffle.
I'm trying to have the courage to accept all of the love around me, to accept that not only do I deserve it, but I deserve to have my own thoughts, opinions, likes and dislikes, and all of the things that go with being a real person, beyond the shell of a mask I hid behind for so long.
Hmmm.....some days, I should have tons to say, and like....I don't. Only it's those kind of days most of all that this aching longing to get all of these emotions out, seems to push the hardest at me. I went to see my caseworker today, and then right after that my councilor. It was neat to get to show off the new dayplanner I bought, it's pretty and colorful and it's got flowers on it and I like it lots, and I told her I bought a new desk chair and it was kinda neat, cause she was proud of me. And there was another thing too....that I'm only gunna write bout in my private blog, but when I told her I hadn't done this thing that was bad for me, in a week, just to hear the proudness in her words and see it in her smile was just absolutly amazing...it made me want to try to not do that thing for a whole other week now too! I don't know if i'm really strong enough to do it, and I'm kinda antsy feelin' bout messin' up, but I'm trying to worry about the right here and now, and not what might happen in a day or so.
We went on the walking group today again too, and so it was fun to get to do that, cept I have an ouchie thing on my foot so i didn't walk hardly at all an they hadda come get me halfway through. Somedays I do so good that I want to show off to all those doctors, and then some days, it gets so utterly hard and I get so scared of things creeping back into being bad and, it's just like I get all nervous and worried that I'll relapse again, and I'm just kinda....paranoid, I think it's because it's always been this time of year that I have gotten the sickest before, and so it's really just hard to not see this time of year in a positive light sometimes too like I should. And then halloween does not come with good memories for me at all, and that's just another thing I'm not quite ready to blog about yet.....
I'm just full of achy feelings I want to get out and I can't yet, but I wanted to post so people knew what was up, which is kind of a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot of everything all at the same time I guess.
We went on the walking group today again too, and so it was fun to get to do that, cept I have an ouchie thing on my foot so i didn't walk hardly at all an they hadda come get me halfway through. Somedays I do so good that I want to show off to all those doctors, and then some days, it gets so utterly hard and I get so scared of things creeping back into being bad and, it's just like I get all nervous and worried that I'll relapse again, and I'm just kinda....paranoid, I think it's because it's always been this time of year that I have gotten the sickest before, and so it's really just hard to not see this time of year in a positive light sometimes too like I should. And then halloween does not come with good memories for me at all, and that's just another thing I'm not quite ready to blog about yet.....
I'm just full of achy feelings I want to get out and I can't yet, but I wanted to post so people knew what was up, which is kind of a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot of everything all at the same time I guess.
We got our money on Friday and we had soooo much fun this weekend. I don't think I can really accuratly capture it all in words, cause it was the first time I really got to spend a weekend as just me in a real long time. The first thing we did was pay all our bills, an that's something we used to be real bad about, was procrastinating on them. An then we went to the cotton patch to eat, which is like southern home cooking style food and I had chicken quesodillas. And I did something else good too, because I didn't eat them all, just half of them and i saved the other half til later that night.
And then we went to wal-mart and I bought a dora the explorer watch, an it's biokid sized so it doesn't fit me, but my mommy is going to improvise with some stuff like velcro an stuff to make it so it will fit me. And I bought a Dora the Explorer "Let's Go Carnival Adventure" playset, and its fun because it has little carosel horses an stuff to play with dora an boots on.
and then yesterday we went to tons an tons of yard sales and got new books, an elmo guitar thing and even a new desk chair for just 10 dollars an it's brand new, just that some rich old lady didn't like the style of it so now I got it and i love it! and then we ate at the chinese place for lunch, and at wendy's for dinner. But it was kinda good, cause I tried hard to eat healthy and I didn't do a bad job either my blood sugar hasn't been bad at all lately.
And we went to the dollar tree yesterday and i got new card games, "old maid, crazy eights and memory" and also i got a strawberry shortcake puzzle and a care bear puzzle and two my little pony coloring books, a care bears and a strawberry shortcake coloring book and more junie b jones books too!
I was soooo super spoiled. and then we bought snacks an stuff, like healthy snacks so i'll feel like im still able to be little, but i also can keep my blood sugar under control, so we got dora yogurt, an fruit snacks. and then we also got granola bars an trail mix an just fun stuff. It might seem like silly stuff, but it was lots to me!
And today we went out to a buffet style place, just me an Dawn and i like those times, cause she wasn't so cranky, an even though I have talked bad bout Dawn lots in the past, she's like having an older sister. I like how she looks out for me, an how she holds my hand when we cross the street an just little things that show she cares even for all of the times I've screamed an vented about her to the world. This afternoon I even spend some time putting one of my puzzles together, playing with my little ponies amusement park set i havent touched since before we moved in june and coloring some in my new books. It was calm and cozy while my mommy took a nap today.
An now I'm back home, lettin' my big take care of stuff now too but gosh what an amazin' weekend. I want to do it again! ~giggles~
And then we went to wal-mart and I bought a dora the explorer watch, an it's biokid sized so it doesn't fit me, but my mommy is going to improvise with some stuff like velcro an stuff to make it so it will fit me. And I bought a Dora the Explorer "Let's Go Carnival Adventure" playset, and its fun because it has little carosel horses an stuff to play with dora an boots on.
and then yesterday we went to tons an tons of yard sales and got new books, an elmo guitar thing and even a new desk chair for just 10 dollars an it's brand new, just that some rich old lady didn't like the style of it so now I got it and i love it! and then we ate at the chinese place for lunch, and at wendy's for dinner. But it was kinda good, cause I tried hard to eat healthy and I didn't do a bad job either my blood sugar hasn't been bad at all lately.
And we went to the dollar tree yesterday and i got new card games, "old maid, crazy eights and memory" and also i got a strawberry shortcake puzzle and a care bear puzzle and two my little pony coloring books, a care bears and a strawberry shortcake coloring book and more junie b jones books too!
I was soooo super spoiled. and then we bought snacks an stuff, like healthy snacks so i'll feel like im still able to be little, but i also can keep my blood sugar under control, so we got dora yogurt, an fruit snacks. and then we also got granola bars an trail mix an just fun stuff. It might seem like silly stuff, but it was lots to me!
And today we went out to a buffet style place, just me an Dawn and i like those times, cause she wasn't so cranky, an even though I have talked bad bout Dawn lots in the past, she's like having an older sister. I like how she looks out for me, an how she holds my hand when we cross the street an just little things that show she cares even for all of the times I've screamed an vented about her to the world. This afternoon I even spend some time putting one of my puzzles together, playing with my little ponies amusement park set i havent touched since before we moved in june and coloring some in my new books. It was calm and cozy while my mommy took a nap today.
An now I'm back home, lettin' my big take care of stuff now too but gosh what an amazin' weekend. I want to do it again! ~giggles~