I feel small and fragile lately. It's hard for me to play, but I'm trying. It's like everything is so intense and real, and it didn't used to be that way, but it is now. Now, what people see is the real me, and the real me is still afraid of going outside without the happy mask on. The real me isn't always bouncy and zoomy. And yet my friends and my family were right because it really is ok to be me....but it also means life feels harder some days. It feels like I have to consciously think of things that before my mask did for me. Now instead of smiling and saying everything is ok, I have to think how it really is, and when it's not ok, it seems to hurt worse.
I stopped going to my councilor. But not in a bad, I'm rebelling against therapy kinda way, in fact it was a very scary thing to admit that he wasn't helping me because our personalities just didn't match up well. It was scary to say, I'm sorry but I have to try someone else, because in the past, when iwas wearing my happy mask, I would have just shrugged and continued to go to him. But part of all of this is that, I don't need to impress people for them to love me. I don't need to do what other people think is the best thing, for them to accept me. Those are hard things to remember.
My mommy is really starting to listen to me now, and that's alot of why I feel more fragile and small too. Because the actual tangible and conscious realization that someone is watching out for me, taking care of me and notices what i asm up to, the fact that she invest so much into my life and loves me sooooo very much and accepting that love, trusting that it's unconditional and has no bearing on what I do, or how I'm feeling or how good of a kid I am...that it's just because she lvoes me for me....it's still very amazing to me. I still ask her 20 times a day if she loves me, and why she loves me, even after all these years.
It's hard to allow people in to care because that means they take time out of their days, time they could be spending doing other things, being with me, talking to me and even thinking about me. And I still struggle so much with believing I'm worth of that attention....and so it's scary. Becoming not so numb is scary, i see things in ways I never really considered before and it's....just made me very reflective....but....i need to try and play some still too....
I need the magic back.
I stopped going to my councilor. But not in a bad, I'm rebelling against therapy kinda way, in fact it was a very scary thing to admit that he wasn't helping me because our personalities just didn't match up well. It was scary to say, I'm sorry but I have to try someone else, because in the past, when iwas wearing my happy mask, I would have just shrugged and continued to go to him. But part of all of this is that, I don't need to impress people for them to love me. I don't need to do what other people think is the best thing, for them to accept me. Those are hard things to remember.
My mommy is really starting to listen to me now, and that's alot of why I feel more fragile and small too. Because the actual tangible and conscious realization that someone is watching out for me, taking care of me and notices what i asm up to, the fact that she invest so much into my life and loves me sooooo very much and accepting that love, trusting that it's unconditional and has no bearing on what I do, or how I'm feeling or how good of a kid I am...that it's just because she lvoes me for me....it's still very amazing to me. I still ask her 20 times a day if she loves me, and why she loves me, even after all these years.
It's hard to allow people in to care because that means they take time out of their days, time they could be spending doing other things, being with me, talking to me and even thinking about me. And I still struggle so much with believing I'm worth of that attention....and so it's scary. Becoming not so numb is scary, i see things in ways I never really considered before and it's....just made me very reflective....but....i need to try and play some still too....
I need the magic back.
Yesterday I learned something really important about myself. and it was something really hard to admit, and I really cried as I was seeing it for the first time through someone else's eyes but my own. Part of me trying to take off my happy mask lately is that, I can really, really truely be myself, and while that in and of itself is scary what's more scary is that I am seeing I don't know myself as well as I think I do.
Little things that used to take no thought at all to decide I realize that, when I'm not trying to impress the world so that people will love me, I don't really like or want to do the same things that I've worked all these years to convince my heart that I do. And it took a very special friend, a very patient friend to help me see that it's really ok not only to be myself, but that in being myself, I don't gotta feel guilty about that, i don't hafta try to be there for everyone to keep them in my life. Because my real friends, aren't going anywhere, they like me just as I am.
I still squirm when I remember those words, and I still want to scream that it's not true, I want to cry out in pain that I need to fight against how bad and awful I must be, but....my job isn't to be a momma....my job is to just play and be silly and maybe my big has that responsibility to be an adult when the time comes for that(and that's just not part of this blog so anyhoo) but me....just me just like I am, just needs to play and have fun, and not feel any shame over letting other people take care of me, and just relaxing in knowing that the adults in my life have it all under control.
And just being able to have fun and play is a real struggle for me sometimes still, especially when I know how sensitive life has made me lately....trying to be the real me is harder then just bouncing and zooming, because I have to give up the control, resist the urge to smile and say its ok...stop feeling numb and just experience things without that fake protective armor. Cause as much as i think it protected me, it didn't let the good people in neither, it just kept everyone at a safe happy distance, never letting them any closer then I think the happiness will last for.
My real friends, my real family, they are so awesomely amazing, and I just have to trust that as much as I say I love them, as much as I know I would do anything for them to make them happy, to keep them safe, that they are always going to do the same for me as well. I just gotta find it in my heart to believe that really and truely and it'll all be ok.
Little things that used to take no thought at all to decide I realize that, when I'm not trying to impress the world so that people will love me, I don't really like or want to do the same things that I've worked all these years to convince my heart that I do. And it took a very special friend, a very patient friend to help me see that it's really ok not only to be myself, but that in being myself, I don't gotta feel guilty about that, i don't hafta try to be there for everyone to keep them in my life. Because my real friends, aren't going anywhere, they like me just as I am.
I still squirm when I remember those words, and I still want to scream that it's not true, I want to cry out in pain that I need to fight against how bad and awful I must be, but....my job isn't to be a momma....my job is to just play and be silly and maybe my big has that responsibility to be an adult when the time comes for that(and that's just not part of this blog so anyhoo) but me....just me just like I am, just needs to play and have fun, and not feel any shame over letting other people take care of me, and just relaxing in knowing that the adults in my life have it all under control.
And just being able to have fun and play is a real struggle for me sometimes still, especially when I know how sensitive life has made me lately....trying to be the real me is harder then just bouncing and zooming, because I have to give up the control, resist the urge to smile and say its ok...stop feeling numb and just experience things without that fake protective armor. Cause as much as i think it protected me, it didn't let the good people in neither, it just kept everyone at a safe happy distance, never letting them any closer then I think the happiness will last for.
My real friends, my real family, they are so awesomely amazing, and I just have to trust that as much as I say I love them, as much as I know I would do anything for them to make them happy, to keep them safe, that they are always going to do the same for me as well. I just gotta find it in my heart to believe that really and truely and it'll all be ok.
Sometimes the truth all boils down to the fact that it's easier to accept an insult, then a compliment. It's easier to believe people hate me, then to accept the love and care that's surrounding me. It's easier to beat myself up over tiny little flaws, then to really see that I'm worth anything at all.
It's easy to be smiley an happy, to wear a mask of sunshine and rainbows, but it's harder to open up the door to my heart, and show people what feels so incredibly ugly inside. It's the hardest thing in the world to not smile and say everything is ok.
It's fear, that they will say stop whining so much.
It's the sickening impending doom of rejection.
It's like a black misty cloud, that sprinkles rain only on me.
And it aches so badly, to just be free.....and even when the whole world is telling me over and over that I don't gotta be happy for them, that I don't gotta be bouncy or zoomy, even when I know that with every ounce of my being.....for some reason, having the faith to step out into uncharted waters, and find that it's solid, is so incredibly hard. Even when there are a million hands waiting to catch me when I fall.....even when I can hear a soft low rumble of encouragment being whispered to my heart....I still falter, and run back behind my mask where it's safe, or at least where it feels safe.
Somethin as simple as receiving a hug, being taken care of, even just someone saying calming things to me....and I burst into tears. It's just so very scary, even when my own mommy still says "I love you", I cringe, I curl back, and sometimes it's so hard to believe it's really true. The very things that I crave as much as the air I breathe, are still the hardest things to feel and touch and get close to.
And so....even though it may seem like all I do is whine lots lately.....it's because somehow this journey I'm on lately, is alot harder then I thought. My heart felt so numb for so long, and now, letting feeling back into it, is so hard. I know that in time....things will get better....just that right now they feel very much impossible from this side of the mountain I'm climbing.
~puttin my pen down for now~
It's easy to be smiley an happy, to wear a mask of sunshine and rainbows, but it's harder to open up the door to my heart, and show people what feels so incredibly ugly inside. It's the hardest thing in the world to not smile and say everything is ok.
It's fear, that they will say stop whining so much.
It's the sickening impending doom of rejection.
It's like a black misty cloud, that sprinkles rain only on me.
And it aches so badly, to just be free.....and even when the whole world is telling me over and over that I don't gotta be happy for them, that I don't gotta be bouncy or zoomy, even when I know that with every ounce of my being.....for some reason, having the faith to step out into uncharted waters, and find that it's solid, is so incredibly hard. Even when there are a million hands waiting to catch me when I fall.....even when I can hear a soft low rumble of encouragment being whispered to my heart....I still falter, and run back behind my mask where it's safe, or at least where it feels safe.
Somethin as simple as receiving a hug, being taken care of, even just someone saying calming things to me....and I burst into tears. It's just so very scary, even when my own mommy still says "I love you", I cringe, I curl back, and sometimes it's so hard to believe it's really true. The very things that I crave as much as the air I breathe, are still the hardest things to feel and touch and get close to.
And so....even though it may seem like all I do is whine lots lately.....it's because somehow this journey I'm on lately, is alot harder then I thought. My heart felt so numb for so long, and now, letting feeling back into it, is so hard. I know that in time....things will get better....just that right now they feel very much impossible from this side of the mountain I'm climbing.
~puttin my pen down for now~
Today was a reallu good day all in all. It started out scary by seeing the psychiatrist, but it turned out that the guy was really nice! And so he listened to all the things I told him I was havin' problems with, like being extra emotional and getting angry or easily irritated at stuff...it's hard lotsa times to admit that kinda stuff, because I always work so hard to be so happy, but lately it feels like my mask is unraveling at the seams, and I'm finding out the real me isn't so horrible after all....just human.
And so I have new meds to help stabilize my moods and to help me sleep better at night now. and my blood sugar was even good today, and I wasn't even really grumpy about it, I didn't feel sad when I couldn't eat chocolate an mountain dew, because I loved hearing from the nurse today how impressed she was with my blood sugar number, and it just made me smile so very much.
Two days of a break, to just chill an be happy an then i see my caseworker on tuesday. It's silly to want to write about such simple mundane things I think, but it really makes me feel proud to see how much my life has changed for the better in the past month. I even lost 5 pounds! And so even though it's been some roller coaster ride of adjustments, I'm content with my life now.
Me and my mommy listened to our radio program together today, and we're getting to talk more lately, she actually asks me how i feel about things like my councilor, or my doctor and it's just nice and cozy lately, it's not perfect by any means, but I'm learning perfect isn't all it's cracked up to be either.
~puts down my pen an zoooooms for the night~
And so I have new meds to help stabilize my moods and to help me sleep better at night now. and my blood sugar was even good today, and I wasn't even really grumpy about it, I didn't feel sad when I couldn't eat chocolate an mountain dew, because I loved hearing from the nurse today how impressed she was with my blood sugar number, and it just made me smile so very much.
Two days of a break, to just chill an be happy an then i see my caseworker on tuesday. It's silly to want to write about such simple mundane things I think, but it really makes me feel proud to see how much my life has changed for the better in the past month. I even lost 5 pounds! And so even though it's been some roller coaster ride of adjustments, I'm content with my life now.
Me and my mommy listened to our radio program together today, and we're getting to talk more lately, she actually asks me how i feel about things like my councilor, or my doctor and it's just nice and cozy lately, it's not perfect by any means, but I'm learning perfect isn't all it's cracked up to be either.
~puts down my pen an zoooooms for the night~
I went to my councilor yesterday, but it didn't go well. And actually what was so horrible about it is the fact that, I don't think I'm good at vocalizing good about myself. I can open up my heart in a blog where there is time to sit and think in between words, and people will often comment how good I am at expressing myself....but speaking it outloud is the hardest thing in the world. As a result, I don't think my councilor really has a good picture of how my life is. I don't think I can really convey to him things like, how important ageplay is to me, and as a result, I feel like a huge chunk of how I relate to life just got cut off. He just keeps stressing how important it is to get out and do things, and I was so proud about how I went to the walking group, and to the wellness group and to see my caseworker once a week, that is going out three times more a week then I used to, and yet he still just acts like I need to hang out with what he terms it as...."normal people".
I hate the world normal in general, he keeps saying I need to develop adult interests, and to get involved in the community more, an it frustrates me so much that I literally came home in tears from it, and i'm not sure I want to go back to him, I went ahead and made an appointment, because he made me feel like I had to, and because having anyone disappointed in me just makes me feel like my heart is being ripped in two. What is sad is that my caseworker, who I'm sure has less education, or at least different training, really seems to care about me, and yet she isn't a liscienced councilor, but she's better at listening to me...she really cares. So I'm starting to become a bit jaded after my third councilor in a row....
And yet I still always wanna think it's gotta be me! It's gotta be that I can't really speak up, and yet I can speak up to my caseworker, she doesn't laugh when I talk about my little ponies or strawberry shortcake, or if she asks what I did that morning and it so happens I watched nickjr shows, she listens and smiles and says that if I am happy then that's what counts, and she really makes me feel good about myself.
Today I went to the wellness group, it was fun, they served healthy snacks for us to eat like veggies and low fat dips and cheese and whole wheat cracjers, it was fun and I learned alot about things and I got to meet some new people. I felt like I was around people who understood me. Today was definatly a better day then yesterday at least.
Tomorrow I go see the psychiatrist for the first time though....stay tuned til then....
~zoooooms~
I hate the world normal in general, he keeps saying I need to develop adult interests, and to get involved in the community more, an it frustrates me so much that I literally came home in tears from it, and i'm not sure I want to go back to him, I went ahead and made an appointment, because he made me feel like I had to, and because having anyone disappointed in me just makes me feel like my heart is being ripped in two. What is sad is that my caseworker, who I'm sure has less education, or at least different training, really seems to care about me, and yet she isn't a liscienced councilor, but she's better at listening to me...she really cares. So I'm starting to become a bit jaded after my third councilor in a row....
And yet I still always wanna think it's gotta be me! It's gotta be that I can't really speak up, and yet I can speak up to my caseworker, she doesn't laugh when I talk about my little ponies or strawberry shortcake, or if she asks what I did that morning and it so happens I watched nickjr shows, she listens and smiles and says that if I am happy then that's what counts, and she really makes me feel good about myself.
Today I went to the wellness group, it was fun, they served healthy snacks for us to eat like veggies and low fat dips and cheese and whole wheat cracjers, it was fun and I learned alot about things and I got to meet some new people. I felt like I was around people who understood me. Today was definatly a better day then yesterday at least.
Tomorrow I go see the psychiatrist for the first time though....stay tuned til then....
~zoooooms~
Today, I woke up very early. Because I went to my very first walking group! Every week a group of people from the mental health center get together at the high school and walk around their track together. There were just two caseworkers, and one other lady there, but it still felt good to be around people, even if me and the woman walked really slow and it wore me out alot.
I got home, and I was still so energized! I thought I would be sleepy, but instead I find myself wishing and wishing my mommy would wake up and come do things with me. And when I asked her, when it would be ok to bother her again, she said not for 4 more hours from now!
~sighs~
I'm trying so hard to just stay quiet, do my own thing and give her time. Because if I bug her too much she will shut me out all day and I don't want that to happen. I want to really sit down and talk about stuff.....only I'm still very afraid too, I keep thinking I'm just going to make her mad at me for wanting to talk about, just stuff.
Me an her live together 24/7 for like 5 years, an cept we hardly ever actually just sit down and talk. And it's not because we're busy neither. It's because we both get depressed and shut each other out, and so my friends online know more about how I feel then she even does.
I want it to change....and so I keep hoping, and wishing that today can be different. but if it's not, there is always tomorrow.
I got home, and I was still so energized! I thought I would be sleepy, but instead I find myself wishing and wishing my mommy would wake up and come do things with me. And when I asked her, when it would be ok to bother her again, she said not for 4 more hours from now!
~sighs~
I'm trying so hard to just stay quiet, do my own thing and give her time. Because if I bug her too much she will shut me out all day and I don't want that to happen. I want to really sit down and talk about stuff.....only I'm still very afraid too, I keep thinking I'm just going to make her mad at me for wanting to talk about, just stuff.
Me an her live together 24/7 for like 5 years, an cept we hardly ever actually just sit down and talk. And it's not because we're busy neither. It's because we both get depressed and shut each other out, and so my friends online know more about how I feel then she even does.
I want it to change....and so I keep hoping, and wishing that today can be different. but if it's not, there is always tomorrow.
There are some days, when i am not happy. On some of those days I just want to scream. There are some people who think that havin' a mommy in real life, 24/7 is such a super great thing! An.....wait! I mean it is! I wouldn't trade the way my life is for the entire world's supply of mountain dew! But also that it is not always perfect. Some nights my life is like a fairy tale, and I get bedtime stories and bath times. Somedays I get to have picnics an tea parties, an sometimes I get to go to the toy store an then stop for ice cream onna way home! An on those days when I am surrounded by so much love and acceptence of who I am in my heart....all I can do is sigh contently.
However, most days are not like that. Most days I put myself to bed, or I play by myself. Most days I lay in bed an I'm super brat to my mommy about bedtimes, or takin my meds or gettin my finger poked. An on some of those days, she tells me I have frustrated her, an that I gotta be big an finish the thing myself, an so....I do!
An cept some people don't seem to understand this, because they don't think that things like this happen, an so when it happens that my big is not around.....they are super mad grumpy people! an cept, how come they should get endless nigths of uninterrupted routine, when I get maybe one night every 2 weeks that is even close to bein' that fairy tale perfect.
Sometimes....I wish that people could really take a good look....acause....I'm startin to loose my spark....an my heart feels like it's breakin' cause this picture perfect life, it's not my life....it's not....not....not.
~sighs~
I love my life, it's little, and broken....but it's mine.
I love my family and my friends.
I'm so very lucky.
I just, don't like the few people who forget it's not perfect by any means.
However, most days are not like that. Most days I put myself to bed, or I play by myself. Most days I lay in bed an I'm super brat to my mommy about bedtimes, or takin my meds or gettin my finger poked. An on some of those days, she tells me I have frustrated her, an that I gotta be big an finish the thing myself, an so....I do!
An cept some people don't seem to understand this, because they don't think that things like this happen, an so when it happens that my big is not around.....they are super mad grumpy people! an cept, how come they should get endless nigths of uninterrupted routine, when I get maybe one night every 2 weeks that is even close to bein' that fairy tale perfect.
Sometimes....I wish that people could really take a good look....acause....I'm startin to loose my spark....an my heart feels like it's breakin' cause this picture perfect life, it's not my life....it's not....not....not.
~sighs~
I love my life, it's little, and broken....but it's mine.
I love my family and my friends.
I'm so very lucky.
I just, don't like the few people who forget it's not perfect by any means.
There are days when I'm so sure I'm going to struggle with this forever....this, aching feeling that makes me want to always stay happy, to not need to scream and cry and whine, to not be a burdon, to not be the squeaky wheel, or the one people always have to worry about....i want to not need any of that.........cause askin' for, an even more so the needin' of help can be so scary.
It's so scary to believe people want to be there for me, that I don't have to always be the one holding them up, that I should be able to trust that if they are my friends, if they are my true family, then they will want to do the same for me....but I have such a hard time accepting that still........
and deep down, I think it's cause I don't believe I deserve to really be happy. I can fake happy real good, I am super duper good at doin' that! But that real happiness, that's an emotion i'm still workin' on....cause it's so hard to just let go, be little and I forgot lots that it's really ok to be me, all of me....but bit by bit, my heart is learning.... becayse I have the most amazing family and friends, and they show me everyday, that it's ok.....to just be myself.
It's so scary to believe people want to be there for me, that I don't have to always be the one holding them up, that I should be able to trust that if they are my friends, if they are my true family, then they will want to do the same for me....but I have such a hard time accepting that still........
and deep down, I think it's cause I don't believe I deserve to really be happy. I can fake happy real good, I am super duper good at doin' that! But that real happiness, that's an emotion i'm still workin' on....cause it's so hard to just let go, be little and I forgot lots that it's really ok to be me, all of me....but bit by bit, my heart is learning.... becayse I have the most amazing family and friends, and they show me everyday, that it's ok.....to just be myself.
I feel lost lately. I don't really know why though. I'm kind of frustrated at having to deal with icky medical stuff so much, but I haven't even wanted to blog about that lately either. I just want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. It's like, I don't want to do anything and so the things I end up doing, are just half-heardedly done....
I feel lost, and I don't feel 6, I feel.....like 60! Like I just don't have it in me to have fun, everything ends up feeling very blah. And even when I tell someone I want to play with them, I end up puttin' it off an sayin, tomorrow we'll do this or that....cause I just don't feel like it.
My zoomyness is....well zoomin somewhere without me....an I want it back....
~sighs~
I feel lost, and I don't feel 6, I feel.....like 60! Like I just don't have it in me to have fun, everything ends up feeling very blah. And even when I tell someone I want to play with them, I end up puttin' it off an sayin, tomorrow we'll do this or that....cause I just don't feel like it.
My zoomyness is....well zoomin somewhere without me....an I want it back....
~sighs~