Yesterday I learned something really important about myself. and it was something really hard to admit, and I really cried as I was seeing it for the first time through someone else's eyes but my own. Part of me trying to take off my happy mask lately is that, I can really, really truely be myself, and while that in and of itself is scary what's more scary is that I am seeing I don't know myself as well as I think I do.
Little things that used to take no thought at all to decide I realize that, when I'm not trying to impress the world so that people will love me, I don't really like or want to do the same things that I've worked all these years to convince my heart that I do. And it took a very special friend, a very patient friend to help me see that it's really ok not only to be myself, but that in being myself, I don't gotta feel guilty about that, i don't hafta try to be there for everyone to keep them in my life. Because my real friends, aren't going anywhere, they like me just as I am.
I still squirm when I remember those words, and I still want to scream that it's not true, I want to cry out in pain that I need to fight against how bad and awful I must be, but....my job isn't to be a momma....my job is to just play and be silly and maybe my big has that responsibility to be an adult when the time comes for that(and that's just not part of this blog so anyhoo) but me....just me just like I am, just needs to play and have fun, and not feel any shame over letting other people take care of me, and just relaxing in knowing that the adults in my life have it all under control.
And just being able to have fun and play is a real struggle for me sometimes still, especially when I know how sensitive life has made me lately....trying to be the real me is harder then just bouncing and zooming, because I have to give up the control, resist the urge to smile and say its ok...stop feeling numb and just experience things without that fake protective armor. Cause as much as i think it protected me, it didn't let the good people in neither, it just kept everyone at a safe happy distance, never letting them any closer then I think the happiness will last for.
My real friends, my real family, they are so awesomely amazing, and I just have to trust that as much as I say I love them, as much as I know I would do anything for them to make them happy, to keep them safe, that they are always going to do the same for me as well. I just gotta find it in my heart to believe that really and truely and it'll all be ok.
Little things that used to take no thought at all to decide I realize that, when I'm not trying to impress the world so that people will love me, I don't really like or want to do the same things that I've worked all these years to convince my heart that I do. And it took a very special friend, a very patient friend to help me see that it's really ok not only to be myself, but that in being myself, I don't gotta feel guilty about that, i don't hafta try to be there for everyone to keep them in my life. Because my real friends, aren't going anywhere, they like me just as I am.
I still squirm when I remember those words, and I still want to scream that it's not true, I want to cry out in pain that I need to fight against how bad and awful I must be, but....my job isn't to be a momma....my job is to just play and be silly and maybe my big has that responsibility to be an adult when the time comes for that(and that's just not part of this blog so anyhoo) but me....just me just like I am, just needs to play and have fun, and not feel any shame over letting other people take care of me, and just relaxing in knowing that the adults in my life have it all under control.
And just being able to have fun and play is a real struggle for me sometimes still, especially when I know how sensitive life has made me lately....trying to be the real me is harder then just bouncing and zooming, because I have to give up the control, resist the urge to smile and say its ok...stop feeling numb and just experience things without that fake protective armor. Cause as much as i think it protected me, it didn't let the good people in neither, it just kept everyone at a safe happy distance, never letting them any closer then I think the happiness will last for.
My real friends, my real family, they are so awesomely amazing, and I just have to trust that as much as I say I love them, as much as I know I would do anything for them to make them happy, to keep them safe, that they are always going to do the same for me as well. I just gotta find it in my heart to believe that really and truely and it'll all be ok.
