I went to my councilor yesterday, but it didn't go well. And actually what was so horrible about it is the fact that, I don't think I'm good at vocalizing good about myself. I can open up my heart in a blog where there is time to sit and think in between words, and people will often comment how good I am at expressing myself....but speaking it outloud is the hardest thing in the world. As a result, I don't think my councilor really has a good picture of how my life is. I don't think I can really convey to him things like, how important ageplay is to me, and as a result, I feel like a huge chunk of how I relate to life just got cut off. He just keeps stressing how important it is to get out and do things, and I was so proud about how I went to the walking group, and to the wellness group and to see my caseworker once a week, that is going out three times more a week then I used to, and yet he still just acts like I need to hang out with what he terms it as...."normal people".
I hate the world normal in general, he keeps saying I need to develop adult interests, and to get involved in the community more, an it frustrates me so much that I literally came home in tears from it, and i'm not sure I want to go back to him, I went ahead and made an appointment, because he made me feel like I had to, and because having anyone disappointed in me just makes me feel like my heart is being ripped in two. What is sad is that my caseworker, who I'm sure has less education, or at least different training, really seems to care about me, and yet she isn't a liscienced councilor, but she's better at listening to me...she really cares. So I'm starting to become a bit jaded after my third councilor in a row....
And yet I still always wanna think it's gotta be me! It's gotta be that I can't really speak up, and yet I can speak up to my caseworker, she doesn't laugh when I talk about my little ponies or strawberry shortcake, or if she asks what I did that morning and it so happens I watched nickjr shows, she listens and smiles and says that if I am happy then that's what counts, and she really makes me feel good about myself.
Today I went to the wellness group, it was fun, they served healthy snacks for us to eat like veggies and low fat dips and cheese and whole wheat cracjers, it was fun and I learned alot about things and I got to meet some new people. I felt like I was around people who understood me. Today was definatly a better day then yesterday at least.
Tomorrow I go see the psychiatrist for the first time though....stay tuned til then....
~zoooooms~
I hate the world normal in general, he keeps saying I need to develop adult interests, and to get involved in the community more, an it frustrates me so much that I literally came home in tears from it, and i'm not sure I want to go back to him, I went ahead and made an appointment, because he made me feel like I had to, and because having anyone disappointed in me just makes me feel like my heart is being ripped in two. What is sad is that my caseworker, who I'm sure has less education, or at least different training, really seems to care about me, and yet she isn't a liscienced councilor, but she's better at listening to me...she really cares. So I'm starting to become a bit jaded after my third councilor in a row....
And yet I still always wanna think it's gotta be me! It's gotta be that I can't really speak up, and yet I can speak up to my caseworker, she doesn't laugh when I talk about my little ponies or strawberry shortcake, or if she asks what I did that morning and it so happens I watched nickjr shows, she listens and smiles and says that if I am happy then that's what counts, and she really makes me feel good about myself.
Today I went to the wellness group, it was fun, they served healthy snacks for us to eat like veggies and low fat dips and cheese and whole wheat cracjers, it was fun and I learned alot about things and I got to meet some new people. I felt like I was around people who understood me. Today was definatly a better day then yesterday at least.
Tomorrow I go see the psychiatrist for the first time though....stay tuned til then....
~zoooooms~
