Learning to be loved is hard. I guess that's been my biggest struggle of all lately. Because admitting that I want to be loved, hugged, and shown affection, is like assuming I might actually be deserving of it too, and that's a really scary realization to come to. Because ever since I was 6, it wasn't ok, it wasn't ok to cry, or show emotion, and yet lately, all I have done is be emotional. And it's just left a big ugly mess everywhere I go it seems.
But I'm slowly coming out of my fog, and it might come back, because learning all these things that are the oppisite of what I learning the first time around isn't easy, replacing those old tapes with new ones, takes a lot of patience, but I'm not giving up. I wanted to give up, very much so, but my friends and family won't let me. And that's a good thing to not be allowed to do.
So I might be slow but, I'm not going to make up excuses to hide anymore. So feel free to poke and prod and otherwise bug me when I'm not around....I might seem cranky an push you away....but inside my heart is usually so very relieved that people do care enough to wonder.
But I'm slowly coming out of my fog, and it might come back, because learning all these things that are the oppisite of what I learning the first time around isn't easy, replacing those old tapes with new ones, takes a lot of patience, but I'm not giving up. I wanted to give up, very much so, but my friends and family won't let me. And that's a good thing to not be allowed to do.
So I might be slow but, I'm not going to make up excuses to hide anymore. So feel free to poke and prod and otherwise bug me when I'm not around....I might seem cranky an push you away....but inside my heart is usually so very relieved that people do care enough to wonder.
I feel like I'm too much trouble. I don't really want to be taken care of at all right now. Maybe I need to be, but I really do just want to disappear. When I first was discovering this Maya side of me I wasn't really even thinking about a mommy back then, and some days I'm still not. Somedays even a hug from my r/t mommy, is a huge trigger into a past filled with horrific flash backs. I have to take this so very slow now because I have torn down the walls, and I have peeled off the mask, and at this point in my life I'm more vulnerable then ever.
It almost feels like, the world is mocking me, like they say it's ok, but maybe it's really not. There aren't any easy answers to all of this. I feel like people are trying to think up cute cliches to say to me. But what i treasure most is the people i can flop down and have a good pout with. Those people who just let me be myself, even when it means being quiet for hours, just holding my hand.
I really just wish I was gone. I want just my big and not me. It hurts too much to feel, way too much. I don't want to be held, or rocked or told sweet things to, it makes me feel like my heart will explode. I don't want to be real, I don't want to feel. It just hurts too much, way too much. I don't want to be like this anymore.....I just don't!
~flops down and sighs~
It almost feels like, the world is mocking me, like they say it's ok, but maybe it's really not. There aren't any easy answers to all of this. I feel like people are trying to think up cute cliches to say to me. But what i treasure most is the people i can flop down and have a good pout with. Those people who just let me be myself, even when it means being quiet for hours, just holding my hand.
I really just wish I was gone. I want just my big and not me. It hurts too much to feel, way too much. I don't want to be held, or rocked or told sweet things to, it makes me feel like my heart will explode. I don't want to be real, I don't want to feel. It just hurts too much, way too much. I don't want to be like this anymore.....I just don't!
~flops down and sighs~
Some days, I don't want to exist anymore. It's not because of anything bad, I just don't want to have to 'feel' so much all the time. I am trying so hard to play, but it's not getting any easier, in fact sometimes it's outright too hard. I get plenty of time I *could* be playing during, I just never really feel like it, I just feel bigger, and i feel like being there, but I don't want to really be, "me", that feels like something I want to hide away from the world when I am now, like something I start wanting to only share with me and my mommy, even if it's wrong to be that way. I used to be able to be little around anyone, and now it's changing.
For a while, I thought the extra vulnerability I felt, meant I felt younger as an IK, but during the last few days, just in talking with friends I've discovered that's not really true. 6 is how old I'm always going to be, and it's important for me to stay 6. 6 was how old I was when I was told I was too old for hugs, and it was like in that one instant in my life, I knew I had to grow up, by the time I was 8 I was more of a parent to my little brother then either of my parents were. I taught him how to read and write when everyone else gave up on him, I did all of the things I shouldn't have, cause I should have been playing like a real kid. 6 is my magic age, and it's always going to be, because it's the age I hafta leave to heal from, because I'm learning it's ok to say I'm 6, and want to act younger sometimes, but always really be 6 in my heart, and nobody is going to say, "Aren't you a little old for that?" in a condescending kind of way.
I feel kind of achy and longing for something, but I don't know what it is, like it's right on the top of my tongue, but I can't get it to come out. Talking little doesn't come easy for me anymore, it's only with a very few people that i feel like I can really be me. I don't really know why all of this has happened, it's partially I think because when I stopped being happy for everyone all the time, and started to be myself, it was a very big flood of emotions and I need to feel free to express them at my own pace. But sometimes I feel rushed, like people don't really want to be as patient as they seem to be. I'm fearful the world is going to give up on me, or try to say that I'm doing things wrong. Somedays it's just going to suck, and it's not like there is anything anyone can do to fix it, it's just a part of life I have to live through. I have to experience these emotions no matter how impossible it seems to get through and no matter how much it wears me out.
I don't really know what's happening to me, I think it happens alot this time of year, I get all pondery, and like dreaming for some kind of idealistic perfection, like thinking of upcoming holidays, and wanting the picture perfect life I see in the little fairytale I have in my mind, but knowing my real life will never quite live up to it. And then just the holidays in general just bringing up super scary memories and feelings and it makes me extra clingy to my mommy, and like closing out the rest of the world, no matter how good their intentions are.
Guess I've rambled enough for today.....
For a while, I thought the extra vulnerability I felt, meant I felt younger as an IK, but during the last few days, just in talking with friends I've discovered that's not really true. 6 is how old I'm always going to be, and it's important for me to stay 6. 6 was how old I was when I was told I was too old for hugs, and it was like in that one instant in my life, I knew I had to grow up, by the time I was 8 I was more of a parent to my little brother then either of my parents were. I taught him how to read and write when everyone else gave up on him, I did all of the things I shouldn't have, cause I should have been playing like a real kid. 6 is my magic age, and it's always going to be, because it's the age I hafta leave to heal from, because I'm learning it's ok to say I'm 6, and want to act younger sometimes, but always really be 6 in my heart, and nobody is going to say, "Aren't you a little old for that?" in a condescending kind of way.
I feel kind of achy and longing for something, but I don't know what it is, like it's right on the top of my tongue, but I can't get it to come out. Talking little doesn't come easy for me anymore, it's only with a very few people that i feel like I can really be me. I don't really know why all of this has happened, it's partially I think because when I stopped being happy for everyone all the time, and started to be myself, it was a very big flood of emotions and I need to feel free to express them at my own pace. But sometimes I feel rushed, like people don't really want to be as patient as they seem to be. I'm fearful the world is going to give up on me, or try to say that I'm doing things wrong. Somedays it's just going to suck, and it's not like there is anything anyone can do to fix it, it's just a part of life I have to live through. I have to experience these emotions no matter how impossible it seems to get through and no matter how much it wears me out.
I don't really know what's happening to me, I think it happens alot this time of year, I get all pondery, and like dreaming for some kind of idealistic perfection, like thinking of upcoming holidays, and wanting the picture perfect life I see in the little fairytale I have in my mind, but knowing my real life will never quite live up to it. And then just the holidays in general just bringing up super scary memories and feelings and it makes me extra clingy to my mommy, and like closing out the rest of the world, no matter how good their intentions are.
Guess I've rambled enough for today.....
zoomer's lesson of the day:
It's ok to miss people who aren't in my life anymore.
It's ok to still love people, even if they can't be the same as they were before. It's ok for my heart to still care, and ache and long to be there for them. If I didn't I wouldn't be human. Today was a very moody, kind of cranky day for me, so I'll try and write more tomorroe, but I wanted to put that in my blog.
I love my family with all of my heart and soul....I just need time to heal too. But it'll get better, I just gotta hold on an believe that.
It's ok to miss people who aren't in my life anymore.
It's ok to still love people, even if they can't be the same as they were before. It's ok for my heart to still care, and ache and long to be there for them. If I didn't I wouldn't be human. Today was a very moody, kind of cranky day for me, so I'll try and write more tomorroe, but I wanted to put that in my blog.
I love my family with all of my heart and soul....I just need time to heal too. But it'll get better, I just gotta hold on an believe that.
This was a really busy busy week for me!!
First I went to see my caseworker on tuesday, and she got me set up with my first appointment with my new councilor that was on Thursday, (more about that next). But w also talked about other things on Tuesday, like what kind of goals I want to set in my life and such. And I told her I flat out just didn't know, that alot of times people ask me what I want, or what I like, or what I think about things and i find myself just really not knowing at all what it is that I actually want, because I have spent so much time in my life wearing a happy mask for people that I'm literally clueless as to who I really am in lotsa ways. So now before Tuesday, i have to make a list of things I want to do in the next 3 months. She says I should put silly things, and serious things, even if it's that i want to like take more bubble baths or something, and then she also said, next week she's going to work with me on things like relaxation techniques, to help me not be so anxious all the time, so it was a good productive visit with her and I hadn't felt that productive in a while.
And then Thursday I met my new councilor, and she wasn't what I expected at all! she was really super nice and not that i expected her to be mean, but after my last couple of experiences being so bad, it was very comforting to feel like someone was really listening to me. We talked alot about me wanting to feel less stuck where I am in life right now, and to be able to like get out more to do things and mostly she asked questions and listened to my answers and it was really nice to just feel positive about this whole counciling thing now.
And then after my counciling session we had our walking group, and we went to a different place then the track this time, we went to a park that has a big winding path all through it and it was just a really nice day for a walk, there was a good breeze blowing and it was just really good to feel like I was making more progress in that area of my life too. I took lots of breaks on the benches, but when we got done, they said they thought this path was longer then one turn around the track, so I actually walked longer and that was great to know!
And then today was our wellness group, and it was just me and 3 other people, so the leader took us on a feild trip and we toured the YMCA here, so we could also get info on scholarships so we don't have to pay hardly anything for membership, and so I'm seriously considering doing that and getting signed up with water aerobics classes soon because I think it will be really good for me to have yet something else to be active and involved with.
It's just been a really lazy night tonight, my back hurts some, so even though I have lots more thoughts zooming around my head, I'm going to cut this short and hopefully blog more tomorrow.
First I went to see my caseworker on tuesday, and she got me set up with my first appointment with my new councilor that was on Thursday, (more about that next). But w also talked about other things on Tuesday, like what kind of goals I want to set in my life and such. And I told her I flat out just didn't know, that alot of times people ask me what I want, or what I like, or what I think about things and i find myself just really not knowing at all what it is that I actually want, because I have spent so much time in my life wearing a happy mask for people that I'm literally clueless as to who I really am in lotsa ways. So now before Tuesday, i have to make a list of things I want to do in the next 3 months. She says I should put silly things, and serious things, even if it's that i want to like take more bubble baths or something, and then she also said, next week she's going to work with me on things like relaxation techniques, to help me not be so anxious all the time, so it was a good productive visit with her and I hadn't felt that productive in a while.
And then Thursday I met my new councilor, and she wasn't what I expected at all! she was really super nice and not that i expected her to be mean, but after my last couple of experiences being so bad, it was very comforting to feel like someone was really listening to me. We talked alot about me wanting to feel less stuck where I am in life right now, and to be able to like get out more to do things and mostly she asked questions and listened to my answers and it was really nice to just feel positive about this whole counciling thing now.
And then after my counciling session we had our walking group, and we went to a different place then the track this time, we went to a park that has a big winding path all through it and it was just a really nice day for a walk, there was a good breeze blowing and it was just really good to feel like I was making more progress in that area of my life too. I took lots of breaks on the benches, but when we got done, they said they thought this path was longer then one turn around the track, so I actually walked longer and that was great to know!
And then today was our wellness group, and it was just me and 3 other people, so the leader took us on a feild trip and we toured the YMCA here, so we could also get info on scholarships so we don't have to pay hardly anything for membership, and so I'm seriously considering doing that and getting signed up with water aerobics classes soon because I think it will be really good for me to have yet something else to be active and involved with.
It's just been a really lazy night tonight, my back hurts some, so even though I have lots more thoughts zooming around my head, I'm going to cut this short and hopefully blog more tomorrow.
I thought today would be better, but it wasn't. It's not that I don't think it'll ever be better, just that even though whn I woke up this morning, and I felt "ok", I was still worn out emotionally from yesterdays events. And then today, I was feeling extra sensitive to stuff and it was just icky at times. So I was hidin' lots from people, an not wantin' to really let them in past any of my walls, I wanted to stay quiet, but I felt like stayin' quiet was lettin' my friends an family down, so I was forcing myself to talk to them at times, and then that felt horrible too.
So if I seemed quiet, whiny, grumpy and off today, it's not you....it's really me just working through lots of feelings, and I just needed a quiet day to think lots. Tomorrow will be better, i don't have any icky doctors appointments to fret over, and I have decided that tomorrow HAS to be better, it might not be great, but it's got to at least keep getting better, cause my family an friends keep tellin' me it will....so I just got to hold onto that hope.
So if I seemed quiet, whiny, grumpy and off today, it's not you....it's really me just working through lots of feelings, and I just needed a quiet day to think lots. Tomorrow will be better, i don't have any icky doctors appointments to fret over, and I have decided that tomorrow HAS to be better, it might not be great, but it's got to at least keep getting better, cause my family an friends keep tellin' me it will....so I just got to hold onto that hope.
Today was a really whiny day for me. I was really, really happy for the past two days, it was almost a giddy kind of happy where every emotion was so overly exaggerated that I knew I had to come down from that high eventually. It wasn't that today was bad, just that my ear was aching, and my tummy was a little upset, and I'm nervous cause I hafta go to the eye doctor tomorrow, and I hate eye doctors! I can deal with almost any kind of doctor's appointment and not be afraid, and for someone who was born legally blind you would think I would be used to eye doctors, but I just really hate them alot. I'm supossed to have a diabetic eye exam tomorrow though, where they check to make sure I don't got the signs of retinopathy, and that's kinda scary cause i know this particular eye doctor here, he doesn't just use the little eye puffer thing, he actually likes to use the thing that probes the surface of my eye and....~shudders~ I just hate it!
An also I'm nervous feelin' in my tummy 'cause part of me wants to stand up to all of this and say, that I'd really like it if when he dialates my eyes, maybe if he doesn't see anythin' that makes him want to look further, maybe he can skip the scary part for this time...but saying no to any kind of medical procedure, is a real trigger for me, it makes me remember stuff from bein' a kid and the stuff my biomom did to me, with the whole munchausen by proxy thing, and wanting all of the attention she got from *making* her kids sick and so....part of me really wants to say, no, but part of me also just wants to be brave and get it over with and....I'm just whiny today.
I haven't had a full blown tantrum like I did today in a long time, but when my mommy asked me what I wanted for dinner, somethin' in me just broke inside. All of the emotions I've been holding in just came tumbling out one after the other and I just lost it completely. I was crying and sobbing and just shaking so much. And then this afternoon even when my Aunt Sam wanted to hold me...I hardly never had let any adults online do that, it always makes me cringe and feel all shy and so fragile inside, but I was tryin' so hard to just let myself not get closed off, and to not want to run away, but I don't know why all of those feelings were so insanely intense today, but they were. Even just reading words on a screen, I could feel the tangible presence of someone saying they wanted me and my heart needed to hear it so badly, so much i just wanted to say....this hurts, but dont stop holding me, don't ever let go! but I was so afraid too....I'm so grateful for my family....I just hope I never hurt them with my freaky mood swings.
I hope my family doesn't hate me for bein' a bit whiny an extra little tonight....part of me is fearful an afraid of bein' a letdown, but I just had one of those days where it was all too much, and now I just want to curl up, and listen to a story with my mommy....~sighs~
An also I'm nervous feelin' in my tummy 'cause part of me wants to stand up to all of this and say, that I'd really like it if when he dialates my eyes, maybe if he doesn't see anythin' that makes him want to look further, maybe he can skip the scary part for this time...but saying no to any kind of medical procedure, is a real trigger for me, it makes me remember stuff from bein' a kid and the stuff my biomom did to me, with the whole munchausen by proxy thing, and wanting all of the attention she got from *making* her kids sick and so....part of me really wants to say, no, but part of me also just wants to be brave and get it over with and....I'm just whiny today.
I haven't had a full blown tantrum like I did today in a long time, but when my mommy asked me what I wanted for dinner, somethin' in me just broke inside. All of the emotions I've been holding in just came tumbling out one after the other and I just lost it completely. I was crying and sobbing and just shaking so much. And then this afternoon even when my Aunt Sam wanted to hold me...I hardly never had let any adults online do that, it always makes me cringe and feel all shy and so fragile inside, but I was tryin' so hard to just let myself not get closed off, and to not want to run away, but I don't know why all of those feelings were so insanely intense today, but they were. Even just reading words on a screen, I could feel the tangible presence of someone saying they wanted me and my heart needed to hear it so badly, so much i just wanted to say....this hurts, but dont stop holding me, don't ever let go! but I was so afraid too....I'm so grateful for my family....I just hope I never hurt them with my freaky mood swings.
I hope my family doesn't hate me for bein' a bit whiny an extra little tonight....part of me is fearful an afraid of bein' a letdown, but I just had one of those days where it was all too much, and now I just want to curl up, and listen to a story with my mommy....~sighs~
When I first entered this world of ageplay, this journey that led me to find out so much about myself, life wasn't full of family relationships. Back then I watched other people's families form, break apart and then reform, and I watched the few relationships that lasted, and I was oblivious to either, I didn't want any part of needing a Guardian....back then I longed for, and craved so desperatly for friends. and I made them quickly, but i still held them all at a distance. I didn't lay claim to brothers, sisters, cousins and aunts until just this past few months, and even then, I haven't done it lightly. So much has happened to me since I first found this part of me that feels 6. And it's not things that have happened to the big me, but things that have directly influenced who I am when I'm fully emmersed in being maya. I feel so vulnerable lately, like every little thing is really happening to a small child, a very real child in my heart who is being forced to deal with very big emotions and some of it just tugs at me and brings me to tears. I've never even been someone to cry so much before, but lately, I spend so much time doing that, it's like after having been held in for so many years of my life, the fact that for the first time ever i have this cocoon of safety, of people that care surrounding me.....and the flood gates just gush forth.
But anyhow, back to my original point, that very first innocent magic of just playing like crazy, fast paced, life passing by and just doing things like kids do without analyzing it, or thinking too much, just reacting like a kid would, is back for me again. And it's just so amazing! I love my fasmily, I love my friends and I love the way life feels now, full of life again and with so much joy and happiness. I mean life is eventually going to have it's downward turns and valleys but, I want to keep blogging, even when it's happy, because I want to remember these times later on when I do get sad, I want to be able to remind myself that the magic is still there, and that it's not really so much magic as it is lots of love....and being so very blessed.
~sprinkling some of that fairy dust around though just in case it helps it stay~
But anyhow, back to my original point, that very first innocent magic of just playing like crazy, fast paced, life passing by and just doing things like kids do without analyzing it, or thinking too much, just reacting like a kid would, is back for me again. And it's just so amazing! I love my fasmily, I love my friends and I love the way life feels now, full of life again and with so much joy and happiness. I mean life is eventually going to have it's downward turns and valleys but, I want to keep blogging, even when it's happy, because I want to remember these times later on when I do get sad, I want to be able to remind myself that the magic is still there, and that it's not really so much magic as it is lots of love....and being so very blessed.
~sprinkling some of that fairy dust around though just in case it helps it stay~
Lotsa stuff been happenin....
Tuesday Sierra, my mommy's dog was run over by a car and killed almost instantly. I had such a hard time with this, I couldn't seem to cry, but I was definatly sad and down and just......im really good at blocking out things in my life I don't want to deal with and death is one of them, i just make myself numb to it and so I still don't know what to do with my emotions about it all yet.
On better news, I have a new brother in ageplay, and I love him with all of my heart and soul, because even before he was my brother, in my heart he already was and so now, there is no doubt in my mind that my family is like it should be. i lost a sister though, my big lost her little girl, and things with that are kinda blahhh, but i have the most awesome family ever, my big loves her nice and nephew with all of her heart and its just sooo cool how things have worked out so well even in the midst of alot of other yucky things.
I just wanted to add this entry in....I hang out at innerchild world now, it's the new home of me and my family....the link will be on the side soon, come check it out!
~zoooooooooms~
Tuesday Sierra, my mommy's dog was run over by a car and killed almost instantly. I had such a hard time with this, I couldn't seem to cry, but I was definatly sad and down and just......im really good at blocking out things in my life I don't want to deal with and death is one of them, i just make myself numb to it and so I still don't know what to do with my emotions about it all yet.
On better news, I have a new brother in ageplay, and I love him with all of my heart and soul, because even before he was my brother, in my heart he already was and so now, there is no doubt in my mind that my family is like it should be. i lost a sister though, my big lost her little girl, and things with that are kinda blahhh, but i have the most awesome family ever, my big loves her nice and nephew with all of her heart and its just sooo cool how things have worked out so well even in the midst of alot of other yucky things.
I just wanted to add this entry in....I hang out at innerchild world now, it's the new home of me and my family....the link will be on the side soon, come check it out!
~zoooooooooms~
I don't feel quite so out of place like I did a few days ago. I was just getting into this huge funk and I was starting to feel depressed too, but I'm slowly getting over it. I have such an amazing support network of friends and family, and so little by little the need to play is coming back, and my mommy actually wants to play with me now, she actually wants to be around. The world is starting to feel like a wonderful place again!
And it's different from before, I can be bouncy and happy, and know I am loved. I can be sad, angry, mad, frustrated, silly, manic, crazy...well not tooooo crazy hehe, and know I am loved. And....I can be the inbetween everyday me and...still be loved! The balance of things is getting back into focus. The big part of me is absolutly the happiest she's ever been because she has a neice now along with her two little girls, and life just is really starting to feel ok for now.
On Saturday I got to buy toys and sooo....I got 4 new books, they are Ramona Quimby books, which are my favorite book from when I was a biokid, and I wanted to buy more Junie B. Jones books, but they'll have to wait til next month i think. And I got a HUGE Dora the Explorer draswing pad with 20 pictures to color in it. and new crayons, and a printer so I can print coloring pages offline! And we bought Candyland, only Dora themed of course! And so I was very spoiled this weekend!
It's been raining buckets here...and West Texas is not suposda be this wet, an so if any of you people in other places are missin' any rain we got it! An wet cows are smelly!~gigglin an holds nose~
There are still alot of things to work out in my heart. Aot of things my family has to deal with and get through together but....I think I just need patience and to give it some time. I'm not a very patient person, but I'm gunna really try on this one!
~zooms off~
And it's different from before, I can be bouncy and happy, and know I am loved. I can be sad, angry, mad, frustrated, silly, manic, crazy...well not tooooo crazy hehe, and know I am loved. And....I can be the inbetween everyday me and...still be loved! The balance of things is getting back into focus. The big part of me is absolutly the happiest she's ever been because she has a neice now along with her two little girls, and life just is really starting to feel ok for now.
On Saturday I got to buy toys and sooo....I got 4 new books, they are Ramona Quimby books, which are my favorite book from when I was a biokid, and I wanted to buy more Junie B. Jones books, but they'll have to wait til next month i think. And I got a HUGE Dora the Explorer draswing pad with 20 pictures to color in it. and new crayons, and a printer so I can print coloring pages offline! And we bought Candyland, only Dora themed of course! And so I was very spoiled this weekend!
It's been raining buckets here...and West Texas is not suposda be this wet, an so if any of you people in other places are missin' any rain we got it! An wet cows are smelly!~gigglin an holds nose~
There are still alot of things to work out in my heart. Aot of things my family has to deal with and get through together but....I think I just need patience and to give it some time. I'm not a very patient person, but I'm gunna really try on this one!
~zooms off~