I don't really feel good today. and I didn't really do anything all that exciting either, mostly I slept until like 3pm, and now it is only 7 hours since I woke up, and I'm feeling dizzy and my back hurt all yesterday and it still hurts today and I kind of just feel whiny and pouty and not like doing anything. but I still played and stuff because in my heart I knew I needed to so I wouldn't want to keep on hiding....
See, i think it's like this. Sometimes if I don't constantly keep playing and interacting with people in general, then I start to wonder what would happen if I disappeared. I mean even though I am in the midst of such amazing friends and family, I still always wonder if I am really all that important, and so it becomes tempting to hide and not come online at all, and to hide from friends offline and to just not do anything. I don't really know why I do it, but usually when I disappear, and I'm not "sick-sick" it's cause after a while i get so depressed then, because I hide from the very people who lift me up an support me, an then I get cranky that they didn't come to look for me, an cept I hid from them and pushed them away and made it so they absolutly couldn't do that.....and so then it becomes it's own cycle of pushing people away and them not being able to get to me and I just get more and more sad....
and then in the end the truth is that if I just would talk to my friends an family, I'd feel better, but the longer I don't, the harder it becomes to open up....an I guess my point is that, I love my famiy soooo much, sometimes they reallllllly get on my nerves, but I love them all, they are my heart an soul an they are whats most important in my life cause they remind me it's ok to be me.....but I gotta give them that chance an not shove them away and smile an pretend it's all ok. I got a friend, who when she asks how I am, the one answer I can't give is "ok" I have to say how it really is, it's just a rule we got for each other, an I think maybe I should be that way with more people and then I wouldn't feel so much like my happy mask was creeping back on again.
Anyhow, I'm dizzy kinda, and sleepy still and so I'm off to bed soon.......but i always say that an then I stay up later so who knows....
Laterz,
~zoooooms~
See, i think it's like this. Sometimes if I don't constantly keep playing and interacting with people in general, then I start to wonder what would happen if I disappeared. I mean even though I am in the midst of such amazing friends and family, I still always wonder if I am really all that important, and so it becomes tempting to hide and not come online at all, and to hide from friends offline and to just not do anything. I don't really know why I do it, but usually when I disappear, and I'm not "sick-sick" it's cause after a while i get so depressed then, because I hide from the very people who lift me up an support me, an then I get cranky that they didn't come to look for me, an cept I hid from them and pushed them away and made it so they absolutly couldn't do that.....and so then it becomes it's own cycle of pushing people away and them not being able to get to me and I just get more and more sad....
and then in the end the truth is that if I just would talk to my friends an family, I'd feel better, but the longer I don't, the harder it becomes to open up....an I guess my point is that, I love my famiy soooo much, sometimes they reallllllly get on my nerves, but I love them all, they are my heart an soul an they are whats most important in my life cause they remind me it's ok to be me.....but I gotta give them that chance an not shove them away and smile an pretend it's all ok. I got a friend, who when she asks how I am, the one answer I can't give is "ok" I have to say how it really is, it's just a rule we got for each other, an I think maybe I should be that way with more people and then I wouldn't feel so much like my happy mask was creeping back on again.
Anyhow, I'm dizzy kinda, and sleepy still and so I'm off to bed soon.......but i always say that an then I stay up later so who knows....
Laterz,
~zoooooms~
