Tomorrow is the day I've been dreading all month, since the arrival of halloween decorations in stores reminded me of a hauntingly painful past as it does every year. And I've been hiding, and worried and fretful, I've stressed myself out to the max, until I literally made myself physically ill, and then I realized something today.....
.....a friend pointed out to me that every year that I live in this great terror, every year that I let those memories drown out any happiness in my life, is another year those people have won, and I shouldn't keep letting them win. My own mommy even said so, that I have to keep replacing the old bad icky memories with better more positive ones.
When I was a child, every year at halloween and many other religious holidaus as well, but halloween was the worst, my parents took me and my younger brother to 'church', but it wasn't the 'good wholesome family activity' it appeared to be. You see, me and my brother and several others I grew up with, were abused by people involved in satanic practices, and they hid it under the guise of religion. Alot of people to this day deny that any of this happened, and so it is still a very hard thing even to type out....but as I cast this out upon the table, I do it only for one reason....so I can print it out in black and white, and release this fear within me.
Because from now on i don't want my past to rule me, I want to be able to move forward. Maybe I will never get much further then a few fumbling steps, but I don't ever want to be as afraid as I am now, I want to be able to replace bad horrible memories with better ones....and so tomorrow is going to be a day of playing, and just enjoying life, and it might be the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but I know I can't cower in fear forever. Tomorrow is my own personal celebration of how far I've come in my life this far, and how far I know i can go because I have the most amazing friends and family surrounding me.
Tomorrow is sparkly purple glitter day!
That's what I will tell myself whenever the memories surface, and things get too over welming, I will just tell myself I have so much in my life to celebrate, and I don't have to keep letting those people win anymore, they can't hurt me now, I'm safe, protected and very much loved. I'm the luckiest little girl in the world.
.....a friend pointed out to me that every year that I live in this great terror, every year that I let those memories drown out any happiness in my life, is another year those people have won, and I shouldn't keep letting them win. My own mommy even said so, that I have to keep replacing the old bad icky memories with better more positive ones.
When I was a child, every year at halloween and many other religious holidaus as well, but halloween was the worst, my parents took me and my younger brother to 'church', but it wasn't the 'good wholesome family activity' it appeared to be. You see, me and my brother and several others I grew up with, were abused by people involved in satanic practices, and they hid it under the guise of religion. Alot of people to this day deny that any of this happened, and so it is still a very hard thing even to type out....but as I cast this out upon the table, I do it only for one reason....so I can print it out in black and white, and release this fear within me.
Because from now on i don't want my past to rule me, I want to be able to move forward. Maybe I will never get much further then a few fumbling steps, but I don't ever want to be as afraid as I am now, I want to be able to replace bad horrible memories with better ones....and so tomorrow is going to be a day of playing, and just enjoying life, and it might be the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but I know I can't cower in fear forever. Tomorrow is my own personal celebration of how far I've come in my life this far, and how far I know i can go because I have the most amazing friends and family surrounding me.
Tomorrow is sparkly purple glitter day!
That's what I will tell myself whenever the memories surface, and things get too over welming, I will just tell myself I have so much in my life to celebrate, and I don't have to keep letting those people win anymore, they can't hurt me now, I'm safe, protected and very much loved. I'm the luckiest little girl in the world.
