Today when I saw my councilor, we talked about some stuff thats really important to me. We talked about why I always think I don't fit in, and how self conscious I always am in social situations. It's funny because maya isn't a very shy part of me, she's out going and friendly, and even when she is akward, she just keeps right on zooming....but in real life it's soooo not me, I'm so shy an jus I hide all up in myself so much that people hardly ever really get to see who i am.
My councilor doesn't totally understand about maya yet, but I think she wants to, and so when I see her in two weeks, I have to make two pictures. The first picture is about maya, and about that part of my life I really enjoy, and I have to make it like a collage and just include all of maya's interests, and just i can make it into a book if i want she says and just do whatever to present that part of myself to her.But the other side of that, is I hafta show her the side of me in real life too, the side that's lacking in confidence and feels like it has nothing to offer the world. And so, I'm not sure I see her point in this yet, but at least it will be a challenge and keep me busy for the next two weeks. and I have the homework I've had for almost a month now, and thats that everyday, i have to write down 3 positive things that happened in my day. And it seems at first like it would be easy, but when I was finding it to be harder then it seemed, she said it's because i don't really believe that I'm worthy of all of the positive things that are in my life, and so working on that self-worth is something we're doing alot of.
I still feel very much like there is something deep and evil clawing at my insides some days, and like I can't escape the fear that all of the flashbacks that surround me this time of year are going to just overwelhm me so much....but I know that I can do it. She told me, right when I first started counciling, that the things i wanted to work on from my past, were not going to be easy things, but that her job, and my caseworkers job, is to give me the right coping skills to deal with them safely now.
No progress in the land of sewing, I actually havent sewed anything in almost a week, not because I've lost interest, actually I'm just such a perfectionist that i want to make stuff be all perfect the first time and so part of me is waiting until I can buy some fabric scraps from wal-mart on the first, but i have tons of them here too....I'm just weird wanting to plot things out and have them turn out 'just so' even if part of learning new things should be making mistakes, in my world it's always been all or nothing, and i don't leave myself room for mistakes.Well I'm gunna hush now....I see my psych doc tomorrow for some med adjustments I think....so i should get to bed early.~zooooms~
My councilor doesn't totally understand about maya yet, but I think she wants to, and so when I see her in two weeks, I have to make two pictures. The first picture is about maya, and about that part of my life I really enjoy, and I have to make it like a collage and just include all of maya's interests, and just i can make it into a book if i want she says and just do whatever to present that part of myself to her.But the other side of that, is I hafta show her the side of me in real life too, the side that's lacking in confidence and feels like it has nothing to offer the world. And so, I'm not sure I see her point in this yet, but at least it will be a challenge and keep me busy for the next two weeks. and I have the homework I've had for almost a month now, and thats that everyday, i have to write down 3 positive things that happened in my day. And it seems at first like it would be easy, but when I was finding it to be harder then it seemed, she said it's because i don't really believe that I'm worthy of all of the positive things that are in my life, and so working on that self-worth is something we're doing alot of.
I still feel very much like there is something deep and evil clawing at my insides some days, and like I can't escape the fear that all of the flashbacks that surround me this time of year are going to just overwelhm me so much....but I know that I can do it. She told me, right when I first started counciling, that the things i wanted to work on from my past, were not going to be easy things, but that her job, and my caseworkers job, is to give me the right coping skills to deal with them safely now.
No progress in the land of sewing, I actually havent sewed anything in almost a week, not because I've lost interest, actually I'm just such a perfectionist that i want to make stuff be all perfect the first time and so part of me is waiting until I can buy some fabric scraps from wal-mart on the first, but i have tons of them here too....I'm just weird wanting to plot things out and have them turn out 'just so' even if part of learning new things should be making mistakes, in my world it's always been all or nothing, and i don't leave myself room for mistakes.Well I'm gunna hush now....I see my psych doc tomorrow for some med adjustments I think....so i should get to bed early.~zooooms~
