I didn't intend for today to even feel like the amazingly magical day that is did. In fact when we first started to plan our thanksgiving meal here and the friends we would invite over, it seemed like it would turn into a flop like most other years, and that I would find out that my bio-family was right, that my life really did suck without them. But today was proof that I don't need their approval, to have a place that I belong in. Today I didn't need to show off my perfect green bean casserole, or hide the we sort of burnt the pumpkin pie a tiny bit....today it wasn't material things that made it all so perfect....
Today it was the laughter of friends, the sharing of good food, the watching of sappy holiday movies, and just enjoying a nice warm fall day, and taking a good warm cozy nap afterwards. Today I have so many things to be thankful for that it's impossible for me to even begin to list them.
I'm thankful to be at home, that in and of itself in a miracle, because for those who don't know me well, I have a pretty cruddy medical history, and this time of year is when my body is the least able to resist infection, but so far this year feels like such a blessing simply because of that. This time last year I was suffering through a lot of stomach problems, it was refusing to digest food because of a partially paralyzed nerve, and this year I was enjoying a thanksgiving meal, with limitations, but I was still able to do it, without the aide of a feeding tube!
I'm thankful to even have a place to call home, it might not be much, but it was literally 5 years ago from today that I was still in a very abusive environment and planning to be on my way to my now mommy on a plane within a few days from then. I might have lost the materialistic life I grew up with, but I have gained a true sense of what family is.
Which brings me to my amazing family and friends. You are all too many to even begin to mention, because if I did I know without a doubt I would forget someone, but if I should ever forget to tell you how much you mean to me, please know right now that i love each and every one of you from the very bottom of my heart, and when we went around the table today, and when I said I was thankful for family, it included not only my mommy and my sister and cousin in real life but the people who literally span the globe that make my life the miracle of love that it is.
Today I saw life in the innocent way it should be seen again, for brief moments I felt as carefree and small and taken care of as a real 6 year old. Today, some of the magic came back.
Today it was the laughter of friends, the sharing of good food, the watching of sappy holiday movies, and just enjoying a nice warm fall day, and taking a good warm cozy nap afterwards. Today I have so many things to be thankful for that it's impossible for me to even begin to list them.
I'm thankful to be at home, that in and of itself in a miracle, because for those who don't know me well, I have a pretty cruddy medical history, and this time of year is when my body is the least able to resist infection, but so far this year feels like such a blessing simply because of that. This time last year I was suffering through a lot of stomach problems, it was refusing to digest food because of a partially paralyzed nerve, and this year I was enjoying a thanksgiving meal, with limitations, but I was still able to do it, without the aide of a feeding tube!
I'm thankful to even have a place to call home, it might not be much, but it was literally 5 years ago from today that I was still in a very abusive environment and planning to be on my way to my now mommy on a plane within a few days from then. I might have lost the materialistic life I grew up with, but I have gained a true sense of what family is.
Which brings me to my amazing family and friends. You are all too many to even begin to mention, because if I did I know without a doubt I would forget someone, but if I should ever forget to tell you how much you mean to me, please know right now that i love each and every one of you from the very bottom of my heart, and when we went around the table today, and when I said I was thankful for family, it included not only my mommy and my sister and cousin in real life but the people who literally span the globe that make my life the miracle of love that it is.
Today I saw life in the innocent way it should be seen again, for brief moments I felt as carefree and small and taken care of as a real 6 year old. Today, some of the magic came back.
I loat a very good friend and family member this past weekend. I don't want to go into tons of details about her, or about why she chose to shut me out of her life, I just need to let some of the grief out about loosing her. It was over something so very silly, that she said she was ok about one day, for many days and then the next she was flaming mad and ranting and raving at me and tearing me down in every possible way. My big did everything she possibly could for this woman, but she could not be the momma she wanted for her innerkids, she couldn't continue to lie and say she could. My big gained something so awesome thig past week, she adopted the little girl she has always wanted since the day she entered ageplay, and things feel so perfect and they just fit together, and the people who are truely happy for her and for me, they are who I need to be around and not someone who is so jealous that she did not get the same thing, that she can't share in our joy. That is simply stated not the sign of a true friend. and I can't allow myself to apolygize for doing what makes my heart happy, I just can't.
I was her friend for almost 2 years, but a time comes when I have to realize that I can't let myself be forced to be something I am not, I was always working so hard to be good enough for her and then finding myself in tears when she critisized my efforts. and she is likely telling the world lies upon lies about me, but I have risen above that now, I've moved on and I have what makes my life complete, I don't need her, I dont need that hurt. It's over....it will still hurt, it likely always will, but I can't keep letting her destroy my life.
Hmm what's been going on for me....well my big adopted her little girl November 11th, but that's kinda stuff my big should talk bout so maybe my big needs her own blog hehe! but it's been super awesome for me too, so I guess I can talk about it too because it does affect me. It makes me really happy to see them both happy and just, like everytime my big would see her, for like the whole year and then some that she knew her, we'd feel our hearts leap up inna our chest, cause like, she was just already inside our heart then, so it bein' official is just well the most super awesome thing ever!
I'm kinda fightin off feelin's of depression lately, it gets so cold and so dark so early and it's just blahh lots. So today I made myself get outta bed, put real clothes on and do stuff. and like all weekend I did like over 10 loads of laundry it was crazy! And so there is already another whole 3 loads to do but anyhoo hehe at least some of it got done!
There is more I want to say, and I haven't really felt like posting my blog in puvlic in a while, so I'm just kinda gunna hide out here for a bit til I feel ok again.
I'm kinda fightin off feelin's of depression lately, it gets so cold and so dark so early and it's just blahh lots. So today I made myself get outta bed, put real clothes on and do stuff. and like all weekend I did like over 10 loads of laundry it was crazy! And so there is already another whole 3 loads to do but anyhoo hehe at least some of it got done!
There is more I want to say, and I haven't really felt like posting my blog in puvlic in a while, so I'm just kinda gunna hide out here for a bit til I feel ok again.
We had a crazy past two days of getting money, paying bills and doing shopping but for some reason we managed to get it all done so now we can just relax, which is good because it's getting colder outside and we don't want to do anything or go out unless we have to. This whole clock change still has me feeling off balance, it gets dark so early and I find I get more depressed, and so my doctor says she might try me on a new med when I see her next month to help with that. Anyhow I got tons of new stuff like 5 new junie b jones books, (they are my new favorite addiction!), a HUGE strawberry shortcake poster sized coloring book, and it even has a huge page of just stickers it's way awesomeness! And I got a raggedy Anne and Andy coloring book today and I thought that was pretty cool. And I got a Dora the explorer calendar for next year an that was fun too. and I also got a pillbox....that on the other hand was not fun, to realize I take so many pills a day that I have to organize them all into little slots to take 6 times a day is just nuts! And then to top it all off, I woke up this morning with a horrible sore throat, tonsils all swollen up and a fever that's come and gone all day, but I really am not wanting to be on antibiotics so I'm toughin' it out til Monday and if it's not better by then, then I'll hafta go see the doctor blahh
We found out our landlord is alot more sick then we thought when we first met him back in June when we started renting from him, we knew he had cancer, but now they say it's spread into his spine and his brain and he doesn't have much longer to live. I'm worried sick now, because his wife says they don't intend to keep the properties, they're going to sell them and that means potentially and very verrry likely they will get sold to our old landlord who did not like us at all so then we risk becoming homeless. And I really shouldn't be so worried about this til we actually talk to the landlord's wife more and such but it's just that I really hate this sooo much cause I'm so tired of always moving and never really having the security of knowing a place is really home....and I'm afraid of being homeless again......
Last thought for the night is about my family. Well actually about someone who usda be part of it an it's hard i guess to see people movin' on, it's hard to accept that after we stopped bein' family that they can just be able to move on, an deep down inside it hurts. But before I realized the hurt, I realized the rageful anger that welled up inside, and I wanted to bite and kick and scream mean things.....but tonight I learned a pretty amazing lesson. I learned that my family is always there for me no matter how I am feeling, and so when I thought I wanted to exploded, my auntie was there for me an it just brought me to tears, good tears, but just how awesome the love in my family is jus....is like wow....and so im still kind of in a deep fog of knowing how loved and cared about I am and just also kind of torn about another thing....but I won't go into that tonight, because I can only process so much emotion at once I think.
We found out our landlord is alot more sick then we thought when we first met him back in June when we started renting from him, we knew he had cancer, but now they say it's spread into his spine and his brain and he doesn't have much longer to live. I'm worried sick now, because his wife says they don't intend to keep the properties, they're going to sell them and that means potentially and very verrry likely they will get sold to our old landlord who did not like us at all so then we risk becoming homeless. And I really shouldn't be so worried about this til we actually talk to the landlord's wife more and such but it's just that I really hate this sooo much cause I'm so tired of always moving and never really having the security of knowing a place is really home....and I'm afraid of being homeless again......
Last thought for the night is about my family. Well actually about someone who usda be part of it an it's hard i guess to see people movin' on, it's hard to accept that after we stopped bein' family that they can just be able to move on, an deep down inside it hurts. But before I realized the hurt, I realized the rageful anger that welled up inside, and I wanted to bite and kick and scream mean things.....but tonight I learned a pretty amazing lesson. I learned that my family is always there for me no matter how I am feeling, and so when I thought I wanted to exploded, my auntie was there for me an it just brought me to tears, good tears, but just how awesome the love in my family is jus....is like wow....and so im still kind of in a deep fog of knowing how loved and cared about I am and just also kind of torn about another thing....but I won't go into that tonight, because I can only process so much emotion at once I think.