I feel like I'm too much trouble. I don't really want to be taken care of at all right now. Maybe I need to be, but I really do just want to disappear. When I first was discovering this Maya side of me I wasn't really even thinking about a mommy back then, and some days I'm still not. Somedays even a hug from my r/t mommy, is a huge trigger into a past filled with horrific flash backs. I have to take this so very slow now because I have torn down the walls, and I have peeled off the mask, and at this point in my life I'm more vulnerable then ever.
It almost feels like, the world is mocking me, like they say it's ok, but maybe it's really not. There aren't any easy answers to all of this. I feel like people are trying to think up cute cliches to say to me. But what i treasure most is the people i can flop down and have a good pout with. Those people who just let me be myself, even when it means being quiet for hours, just holding my hand.
I really just wish I was gone. I want just my big and not me. It hurts too much to feel, way too much. I don't want to be held, or rocked or told sweet things to, it makes me feel like my heart will explode. I don't want to be real, I don't want to feel. It just hurts too much, way too much. I don't want to be like this anymore.....I just don't!
~flops down and sighs~
It almost feels like, the world is mocking me, like they say it's ok, but maybe it's really not. There aren't any easy answers to all of this. I feel like people are trying to think up cute cliches to say to me. But what i treasure most is the people i can flop down and have a good pout with. Those people who just let me be myself, even when it means being quiet for hours, just holding my hand.
I really just wish I was gone. I want just my big and not me. It hurts too much to feel, way too much. I don't want to be held, or rocked or told sweet things to, it makes me feel like my heart will explode. I don't want to be real, I don't want to feel. It just hurts too much, way too much. I don't want to be like this anymore.....I just don't!
~flops down and sighs~
