I feel small and fragile lately. It's hard for me to play, but I'm trying. It's like everything is so intense and real, and it didn't used to be that way, but it is now. Now, what people see is the real me, and the real me is still afraid of going outside without the happy mask on. The real me isn't always bouncy and zoomy. And yet my friends and my family were right because it really is ok to be me....but it also means life feels harder some days. It feels like I have to consciously think of things that before my mask did for me. Now instead of smiling and saying everything is ok, I have to think how it really is, and when it's not ok, it seems to hurt worse.
I stopped going to my councilor. But not in a bad, I'm rebelling against therapy kinda way, in fact it was a very scary thing to admit that he wasn't helping me because our personalities just didn't match up well. It was scary to say, I'm sorry but I have to try someone else, because in the past, when iwas wearing my happy mask, I would have just shrugged and continued to go to him. But part of all of this is that, I don't need to impress people for them to love me. I don't need to do what other people think is the best thing, for them to accept me. Those are hard things to remember.
My mommy is really starting to listen to me now, and that's alot of why I feel more fragile and small too. Because the actual tangible and conscious realization that someone is watching out for me, taking care of me and notices what i asm up to, the fact that she invest so much into my life and loves me sooooo very much and accepting that love, trusting that it's unconditional and has no bearing on what I do, or how I'm feeling or how good of a kid I am...that it's just because she lvoes me for me....it's still very amazing to me. I still ask her 20 times a day if she loves me, and why she loves me, even after all these years.
It's hard to allow people in to care because that means they take time out of their days, time they could be spending doing other things, being with me, talking to me and even thinking about me. And I still struggle so much with believing I'm worth of that attention....and so it's scary. Becoming not so numb is scary, i see things in ways I never really considered before and it's....just made me very reflective....but....i need to try and play some still too....
I need the magic back.
I stopped going to my councilor. But not in a bad, I'm rebelling against therapy kinda way, in fact it was a very scary thing to admit that he wasn't helping me because our personalities just didn't match up well. It was scary to say, I'm sorry but I have to try someone else, because in the past, when iwas wearing my happy mask, I would have just shrugged and continued to go to him. But part of all of this is that, I don't need to impress people for them to love me. I don't need to do what other people think is the best thing, for them to accept me. Those are hard things to remember.
My mommy is really starting to listen to me now, and that's alot of why I feel more fragile and small too. Because the actual tangible and conscious realization that someone is watching out for me, taking care of me and notices what i asm up to, the fact that she invest so much into my life and loves me sooooo very much and accepting that love, trusting that it's unconditional and has no bearing on what I do, or how I'm feeling or how good of a kid I am...that it's just because she lvoes me for me....it's still very amazing to me. I still ask her 20 times a day if she loves me, and why she loves me, even after all these years.
It's hard to allow people in to care because that means they take time out of their days, time they could be spending doing other things, being with me, talking to me and even thinking about me. And I still struggle so much with believing I'm worth of that attention....and so it's scary. Becoming not so numb is scary, i see things in ways I never really considered before and it's....just made me very reflective....but....i need to try and play some still too....
I need the magic back.
