Sometimes the truth all boils down to the fact that it's easier to accept an insult, then a compliment. It's easier to believe people hate me, then to accept the love and care that's surrounding me. It's easier to beat myself up over tiny little flaws, then to really see that I'm worth anything at all.
It's easy to be smiley an happy, to wear a mask of sunshine and rainbows, but it's harder to open up the door to my heart, and show people what feels so incredibly ugly inside. It's the hardest thing in the world to not smile and say everything is ok.
It's fear, that they will say stop whining so much.
It's the sickening impending doom of rejection.
It's like a black misty cloud, that sprinkles rain only on me.
And it aches so badly, to just be free.....and even when the whole world is telling me over and over that I don't gotta be happy for them, that I don't gotta be bouncy or zoomy, even when I know that with every ounce of my being.....for some reason, having the faith to step out into uncharted waters, and find that it's solid, is so incredibly hard. Even when there are a million hands waiting to catch me when I fall.....even when I can hear a soft low rumble of encouragment being whispered to my heart....I still falter, and run back behind my mask where it's safe, or at least where it feels safe.
Somethin as simple as receiving a hug, being taken care of, even just someone saying calming things to me....and I burst into tears. It's just so very scary, even when my own mommy still says "I love you", I cringe, I curl back, and sometimes it's so hard to believe it's really true. The very things that I crave as much as the air I breathe, are still the hardest things to feel and touch and get close to.
And so....even though it may seem like all I do is whine lots lately.....it's because somehow this journey I'm on lately, is alot harder then I thought. My heart felt so numb for so long, and now, letting feeling back into it, is so hard. I know that in time....things will get better....just that right now they feel very much impossible from this side of the mountain I'm climbing.
~puttin my pen down for now~
It's easy to be smiley an happy, to wear a mask of sunshine and rainbows, but it's harder to open up the door to my heart, and show people what feels so incredibly ugly inside. It's the hardest thing in the world to not smile and say everything is ok.
It's fear, that they will say stop whining so much.
It's the sickening impending doom of rejection.
It's like a black misty cloud, that sprinkles rain only on me.
And it aches so badly, to just be free.....and even when the whole world is telling me over and over that I don't gotta be happy for them, that I don't gotta be bouncy or zoomy, even when I know that with every ounce of my being.....for some reason, having the faith to step out into uncharted waters, and find that it's solid, is so incredibly hard. Even when there are a million hands waiting to catch me when I fall.....even when I can hear a soft low rumble of encouragment being whispered to my heart....I still falter, and run back behind my mask where it's safe, or at least where it feels safe.
Somethin as simple as receiving a hug, being taken care of, even just someone saying calming things to me....and I burst into tears. It's just so very scary, even when my own mommy still says "I love you", I cringe, I curl back, and sometimes it's so hard to believe it's really true. The very things that I crave as much as the air I breathe, are still the hardest things to feel and touch and get close to.
And so....even though it may seem like all I do is whine lots lately.....it's because somehow this journey I'm on lately, is alot harder then I thought. My heart felt so numb for so long, and now, letting feeling back into it, is so hard. I know that in time....things will get better....just that right now they feel very much impossible from this side of the mountain I'm climbing.
~puttin my pen down for now~
