Today was a really whiny day for me. I was really, really happy for the past two days, it was almost a giddy kind of happy where every emotion was so overly exaggerated that I knew I had to come down from that high eventually. It wasn't that today was bad, just that my ear was aching, and my tummy was a little upset, and I'm nervous cause I hafta go to the eye doctor tomorrow, and I hate eye doctors! I can deal with almost any kind of doctor's appointment and not be afraid, and for someone who was born legally blind you would think I would be used to eye doctors, but I just really hate them alot. I'm supossed to have a diabetic eye exam tomorrow though, where they check to make sure I don't got the signs of retinopathy, and that's kinda scary cause i know this particular eye doctor here, he doesn't just use the little eye puffer thing, he actually likes to use the thing that probes the surface of my eye and....~shudders~ I just hate it!
An also I'm nervous feelin' in my tummy 'cause part of me wants to stand up to all of this and say, that I'd really like it if when he dialates my eyes, maybe if he doesn't see anythin' that makes him want to look further, maybe he can skip the scary part for this time...but saying no to any kind of medical procedure, is a real trigger for me, it makes me remember stuff from bein' a kid and the stuff my biomom did to me, with the whole munchausen by proxy thing, and wanting all of the attention she got from *making* her kids sick and so....part of me really wants to say, no, but part of me also just wants to be brave and get it over with and....I'm just whiny today.
I haven't had a full blown tantrum like I did today in a long time, but when my mommy asked me what I wanted for dinner, somethin' in me just broke inside. All of the emotions I've been holding in just came tumbling out one after the other and I just lost it completely. I was crying and sobbing and just shaking so much. And then this afternoon even when my Aunt Sam wanted to hold me...I hardly never had let any adults online do that, it always makes me cringe and feel all shy and so fragile inside, but I was tryin' so hard to just let myself not get closed off, and to not want to run away, but I don't know why all of those feelings were so insanely intense today, but they were. Even just reading words on a screen, I could feel the tangible presence of someone saying they wanted me and my heart needed to hear it so badly, so much i just wanted to say....this hurts, but dont stop holding me, don't ever let go! but I was so afraid too....I'm so grateful for my family....I just hope I never hurt them with my freaky mood swings.
I hope my family doesn't hate me for bein' a bit whiny an extra little tonight....part of me is fearful an afraid of bein' a letdown, but I just had one of those days where it was all too much, and now I just want to curl up, and listen to a story with my mommy....~sighs~
An also I'm nervous feelin' in my tummy 'cause part of me wants to stand up to all of this and say, that I'd really like it if when he dialates my eyes, maybe if he doesn't see anythin' that makes him want to look further, maybe he can skip the scary part for this time...but saying no to any kind of medical procedure, is a real trigger for me, it makes me remember stuff from bein' a kid and the stuff my biomom did to me, with the whole munchausen by proxy thing, and wanting all of the attention she got from *making* her kids sick and so....part of me really wants to say, no, but part of me also just wants to be brave and get it over with and....I'm just whiny today.
I haven't had a full blown tantrum like I did today in a long time, but when my mommy asked me what I wanted for dinner, somethin' in me just broke inside. All of the emotions I've been holding in just came tumbling out one after the other and I just lost it completely. I was crying and sobbing and just shaking so much. And then this afternoon even when my Aunt Sam wanted to hold me...I hardly never had let any adults online do that, it always makes me cringe and feel all shy and so fragile inside, but I was tryin' so hard to just let myself not get closed off, and to not want to run away, but I don't know why all of those feelings were so insanely intense today, but they were. Even just reading words on a screen, I could feel the tangible presence of someone saying they wanted me and my heart needed to hear it so badly, so much i just wanted to say....this hurts, but dont stop holding me, don't ever let go! but I was so afraid too....I'm so grateful for my family....I just hope I never hurt them with my freaky mood swings.
I hope my family doesn't hate me for bein' a bit whiny an extra little tonight....part of me is fearful an afraid of bein' a letdown, but I just had one of those days where it was all too much, and now I just want to curl up, and listen to a story with my mommy....~sighs~
