Some days, I don't want to exist anymore. It's not because of anything bad, I just don't want to have to 'feel' so much all the time. I am trying so hard to play, but it's not getting any easier, in fact sometimes it's outright too hard. I get plenty of time I *could* be playing during, I just never really feel like it, I just feel bigger, and i feel like being there, but I don't want to really be, "me", that feels like something I want to hide away from the world when I am now, like something I start wanting to only share with me and my mommy, even if it's wrong to be that way. I used to be able to be little around anyone, and now it's changing.
For a while, I thought the extra vulnerability I felt, meant I felt younger as an IK, but during the last few days, just in talking with friends I've discovered that's not really true. 6 is how old I'm always going to be, and it's important for me to stay 6. 6 was how old I was when I was told I was too old for hugs, and it was like in that one instant in my life, I knew I had to grow up, by the time I was 8 I was more of a parent to my little brother then either of my parents were. I taught him how to read and write when everyone else gave up on him, I did all of the things I shouldn't have, cause I should have been playing like a real kid. 6 is my magic age, and it's always going to be, because it's the age I hafta leave to heal from, because I'm learning it's ok to say I'm 6, and want to act younger sometimes, but always really be 6 in my heart, and nobody is going to say, "Aren't you a little old for that?" in a condescending kind of way.
I feel kind of achy and longing for something, but I don't know what it is, like it's right on the top of my tongue, but I can't get it to come out. Talking little doesn't come easy for me anymore, it's only with a very few people that i feel like I can really be me. I don't really know why all of this has happened, it's partially I think because when I stopped being happy for everyone all the time, and started to be myself, it was a very big flood of emotions and I need to feel free to express them at my own pace. But sometimes I feel rushed, like people don't really want to be as patient as they seem to be. I'm fearful the world is going to give up on me, or try to say that I'm doing things wrong. Somedays it's just going to suck, and it's not like there is anything anyone can do to fix it, it's just a part of life I have to live through. I have to experience these emotions no matter how impossible it seems to get through and no matter how much it wears me out.
I don't really know what's happening to me, I think it happens alot this time of year, I get all pondery, and like dreaming for some kind of idealistic perfection, like thinking of upcoming holidays, and wanting the picture perfect life I see in the little fairytale I have in my mind, but knowing my real life will never quite live up to it. And then just the holidays in general just bringing up super scary memories and feelings and it makes me extra clingy to my mommy, and like closing out the rest of the world, no matter how good their intentions are.
Guess I've rambled enough for today.....
For a while, I thought the extra vulnerability I felt, meant I felt younger as an IK, but during the last few days, just in talking with friends I've discovered that's not really true. 6 is how old I'm always going to be, and it's important for me to stay 6. 6 was how old I was when I was told I was too old for hugs, and it was like in that one instant in my life, I knew I had to grow up, by the time I was 8 I was more of a parent to my little brother then either of my parents were. I taught him how to read and write when everyone else gave up on him, I did all of the things I shouldn't have, cause I should have been playing like a real kid. 6 is my magic age, and it's always going to be, because it's the age I hafta leave to heal from, because I'm learning it's ok to say I'm 6, and want to act younger sometimes, but always really be 6 in my heart, and nobody is going to say, "Aren't you a little old for that?" in a condescending kind of way.
I feel kind of achy and longing for something, but I don't know what it is, like it's right on the top of my tongue, but I can't get it to come out. Talking little doesn't come easy for me anymore, it's only with a very few people that i feel like I can really be me. I don't really know why all of this has happened, it's partially I think because when I stopped being happy for everyone all the time, and started to be myself, it was a very big flood of emotions and I need to feel free to express them at my own pace. But sometimes I feel rushed, like people don't really want to be as patient as they seem to be. I'm fearful the world is going to give up on me, or try to say that I'm doing things wrong. Somedays it's just going to suck, and it's not like there is anything anyone can do to fix it, it's just a part of life I have to live through. I have to experience these emotions no matter how impossible it seems to get through and no matter how much it wears me out.
I don't really know what's happening to me, I think it happens alot this time of year, I get all pondery, and like dreaming for some kind of idealistic perfection, like thinking of upcoming holidays, and wanting the picture perfect life I see in the little fairytale I have in my mind, but knowing my real life will never quite live up to it. And then just the holidays in general just bringing up super scary memories and feelings and it makes me extra clingy to my mommy, and like closing out the rest of the world, no matter how good their intentions are.
Guess I've rambled enough for today.....
