Today I had to wake up way early to go see the psychiatrist. I'd had blood work done and so there was med adjustments that had to be done, cause it's sorta scary, but one of the meds I'm on, the level that is theraputic, is very close to the level that is toxic, and so I hafta be careful and get blood work done lots and so my level wasn't at the right level yet so i hafta take even more pills blahh! And also, since she thinks this pill will help me, she wants me to stop taking my sleeping pill and that kinda scares me too because I get really antsy sometimes about not being able to fall asleep, and it's at night time that my thoughts tend to wander the most and so I'm worried I won't be able to sleep, even with these new meds calming my mind down more. and so I guess I just have to get used to it though, and really like, if i could convince myself that something like a vitamin was a sleeping pill I probably wouldn't be so worried, I'm strange like that, very gullible and easily distracted and persauded by things.
My blood pressure was good today too, and that's really the first time it has been and so it's kind of encouraging to see everything isn't totally falling apart health-wise. I hafta go see my regular doctor on monday and that just starts to make me feel like all I ever do is see doctors lately and it's kinda depressing.
But after we got home today, my mommy made pork chops for lunch and then we played some. and then I watched tons of just kid stuff on tv like arthur and franklin and full house and stuff and so it was nice and cozy, cause it's chilly outside and we still dont got a heater an so bein all wrapped up in the blankets was very nice to snuggle in front of the tv. And we cleaned house lots, because we just been kinda lazy, but me and my mommy are trying to make a big effort ro get things cleaned up and keep them more neat and so we're working hard at doing that.
I really wanted to watch tv again tonight, I kept hoping for a good friday night movie, but it was all just scary halloween stuff, and so I just stayed online, which is just as good, because i got to talk to lots of my friends, and so I feel really good about how my day went. I still feel really confused and hurt and scared about things happening with my family, and just I don't know how to get those emotions out yet, I feel like I want to scream one moment, and fall down in tears the next. One second I'm a raging zoomin mass of anger, and the next i long to just be wrapped up in the hugest hug ever and just stay there, and I feel like it's not right for anyone to deal with me being so moody, so I struggle with not putting on that happy mask, and i struggle with being real, and letting people see me for who I am.
Sometimes I just wish it was easier to express myself, without it sounding to people like I was angry AT them, but just angry at a situation, or I just want to vent, and I don't have a tangible source to aim all my frustration at. Sometimes I wonder why it has to hurt so much, and why was it so easy to play and laugh and be silly before, and now it's a struggle, now I have a past, and most of it is full of amazing memories, it's just those times when my heart has gotten stomped on thoroughly, that I wonder if it's all worth it. But then I look back and see all of the people surrounding me, and I know I'll be ok....I just need time....an lots of it.....thank goodness for the patience my family an friends have....~nodding lots an lots~
My blood pressure was good today too, and that's really the first time it has been and so it's kind of encouraging to see everything isn't totally falling apart health-wise. I hafta go see my regular doctor on monday and that just starts to make me feel like all I ever do is see doctors lately and it's kinda depressing.
But after we got home today, my mommy made pork chops for lunch and then we played some. and then I watched tons of just kid stuff on tv like arthur and franklin and full house and stuff and so it was nice and cozy, cause it's chilly outside and we still dont got a heater an so bein all wrapped up in the blankets was very nice to snuggle in front of the tv. And we cleaned house lots, because we just been kinda lazy, but me and my mommy are trying to make a big effort ro get things cleaned up and keep them more neat and so we're working hard at doing that.
I really wanted to watch tv again tonight, I kept hoping for a good friday night movie, but it was all just scary halloween stuff, and so I just stayed online, which is just as good, because i got to talk to lots of my friends, and so I feel really good about how my day went. I still feel really confused and hurt and scared about things happening with my family, and just I don't know how to get those emotions out yet, I feel like I want to scream one moment, and fall down in tears the next. One second I'm a raging zoomin mass of anger, and the next i long to just be wrapped up in the hugest hug ever and just stay there, and I feel like it's not right for anyone to deal with me being so moody, so I struggle with not putting on that happy mask, and i struggle with being real, and letting people see me for who I am.
Sometimes I just wish it was easier to express myself, without it sounding to people like I was angry AT them, but just angry at a situation, or I just want to vent, and I don't have a tangible source to aim all my frustration at. Sometimes I wonder why it has to hurt so much, and why was it so easy to play and laugh and be silly before, and now it's a struggle, now I have a past, and most of it is full of amazing memories, it's just those times when my heart has gotten stomped on thoroughly, that I wonder if it's all worth it. But then I look back and see all of the people surrounding me, and I know I'll be ok....I just need time....an lots of it.....thank goodness for the patience my family an friends have....~nodding lots an lots~
