Texas weather is so weeeeird, it was 29 degrees yesterday, and then tomorrow it's suposda be like 80! ~rolls eyes~ so at least i won't be cold! But still 8 days til we get money an buy a heater....an maybe some toys too! I was very super extra lazy today, all I did was play online, and I think that I proved to myself that I was extra irritable, because my back ached lots and my head hurt, and that getting up and moving around during the day is good for me, even if I am used to spending over 12 hours a day online, it's a very bad habit i have to break. My mommy has a very super scary, but also very personal medical prob goin' on right now, so she went to the doctor today, and she has to go see a specialist now, and she might hafta have surgery an stuff so, I'm kinda worried bout that, but I also can't talk bout it, 'cause she says I can't so just....i'm antsy an stuff bout it, an it twists my tummy inna scary kinda knots.
But it was kind of a lonely day cause my mommy was gone in the morning, and when she came home she was hurtin' lots so she just slept all day, and it was one of those days where the time just flew by so fast, that i hardly even knew where it all went to, and when i looked back on it, all I did was role play, stay in my pjs and just blahh.....my life is really so boring sometimes.
And I was feeling so extra sensitive today, like yesterday I felt mean and gorrible and like i wanted to just bite and kick and be soooo bad, and only today, i felt like all of those feelings got reversed, and so it felt like the world was doing that to me, and I felt as fragile as an egg shell. and I couldn't really do anything about it, so I was kind of pouting and feeling alot like I should've gone back to bed. But I force myself to stay connected, and to not lose my spark, I force myself to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world, because I know that's my first natural instinct at this time of year, and so in making myself stay in the open, I'm hoping I won't stay so depressed, but I feel a bit cranky about it too, like the light that I keep shedding on my soul is too bright, and so it's scaring the rest of the world away from me.
People keep telling me i need to find more balance in my life, and that totally confuses me, because that seems to mean something different to everyone, and then it seems to boil down to, "this is what works for me, so therefore it should work for you too", and it doesn't work that way, and it doesn't work that I really can't change a whole lot about my physical situation, I can't make my immune system function so I can work, or make any of my other health problems subside, I just have to keep going like I am, and all I can do is keep a positive attitude....which lately is very much lacking I guess, so maybe people just want the hyperness back....and I lost it...and like they expect me to just go talk to them about things, I don't even talk to my mommy about, because I should "be more open with people", but right now that's really all I can manage....I'm starting to get a complex I'm just never good enough for people, but for some reason it's really important to them that I appear to be good enough....it's a weird feeling....like I'm in the spotlight for no real reason other then that I don't mind blogging out all of my boring weird thoughts....
I made chocolate pudding tonight! So that's my happy thought for the night, sugar free chocolate pudding and a new Junie B. Book.
But it was kind of a lonely day cause my mommy was gone in the morning, and when she came home she was hurtin' lots so she just slept all day, and it was one of those days where the time just flew by so fast, that i hardly even knew where it all went to, and when i looked back on it, all I did was role play, stay in my pjs and just blahh.....my life is really so boring sometimes.
And I was feeling so extra sensitive today, like yesterday I felt mean and gorrible and like i wanted to just bite and kick and be soooo bad, and only today, i felt like all of those feelings got reversed, and so it felt like the world was doing that to me, and I felt as fragile as an egg shell. and I couldn't really do anything about it, so I was kind of pouting and feeling alot like I should've gone back to bed. But I force myself to stay connected, and to not lose my spark, I force myself to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world, because I know that's my first natural instinct at this time of year, and so in making myself stay in the open, I'm hoping I won't stay so depressed, but I feel a bit cranky about it too, like the light that I keep shedding on my soul is too bright, and so it's scaring the rest of the world away from me.
People keep telling me i need to find more balance in my life, and that totally confuses me, because that seems to mean something different to everyone, and then it seems to boil down to, "this is what works for me, so therefore it should work for you too", and it doesn't work that way, and it doesn't work that I really can't change a whole lot about my physical situation, I can't make my immune system function so I can work, or make any of my other health problems subside, I just have to keep going like I am, and all I can do is keep a positive attitude....which lately is very much lacking I guess, so maybe people just want the hyperness back....and I lost it...and like they expect me to just go talk to them about things, I don't even talk to my mommy about, because I should "be more open with people", but right now that's really all I can manage....I'm starting to get a complex I'm just never good enough for people, but for some reason it's really important to them that I appear to be good enough....it's a weird feeling....like I'm in the spotlight for no real reason other then that I don't mind blogging out all of my boring weird thoughts....
I made chocolate pudding tonight! So that's my happy thought for the night, sugar free chocolate pudding and a new Junie B. Book.
