Today was mostly a good day. It was really really cold again this morning brrr! And still 10 days left til we can buy a heater. I got all snuggled up in front of the TV whe I woke up, watched some cartoons and just lounged around all lazy like in my giant cheetah blanket, i love it because i only pull it out at winter time, and it's king sized and all fleecey and warm, so it was a snuggly morning.
and then my mommy woke up, and she let me be little and help her fix lunch, mostly this meant I got to get all of the things out of the fridge, and then put them away, and i wasn't allowed to do anything she wouldn't let a bio kid do, and so then we sat on the floor and had a picnic with our lunch. What we ate was probably a bit weird to most people though, cause we dry up tuna fish and make a stir fry with bell peppers and carrots and then rolled it up into tortillas, and so you have to kind of aquire a taste for it, but we like it, so it was good and happiness, we kind of end up eating things like that towards the end of the month when money doesn't stretch, but it's at times like this, when I'm cold, and eating funny concoctions, that I still manage to feel very blessed and lucky, i have the best mommy in the whole wide world, I have warm fleecey blankets, and really even though my life isn't perfect, it's mine and so it's perfect for me.
Being easily suggestable did not help me today, I was crannnnky sometimes....I kind of got over stimulated, and so even though some days like yesterday are super good, as the day went on, I started to get more easily irritated, and it all kind of started because my mommy was making a comment on the picture I was coloring, and she was trying to help me, but I was afraid she was saying how horrible it was, and so that's all I could hear then. So then I automatically shut myself up into Leah mode, (and she is my 11 year old IK for people who don't know), and that was definatly not a good thing because she is very protective, and when I am in Leah mode I find myself arguing with every tiny thing people say, even if they are right, I find myself being mean and just wanting to have people feel as bad and yucky as I do inside, and it's just more of that monster inside me poking it's ugly head through, but I was really mean to people today....and so now I'm feeling icky and like a horrid person.
And I really, really want to go eat the rest of the brownies we made yesterday, but I'm not going to because I see my doctor in the morning, so I have to be extra good all the rest of tonight and only drink water so my blood sugar will be good, because that's another reason I'm so anxious today, because I always feel like i am having to prove myself to people, and like nothing I ever do is good enough, and alot of my medical history growing up was about whatever my mother said being the truth, so now I don't trust doctors a whole lot because of how she hurt me by making me sick to get attention....and so if I even suspect a doctor is accusing me of faking symptoms or of not taking care of myself and he's wrong, it's a major trigger to sending me into a whirlwind of flashbacks.
~sighs~
It sounds like all I do is whine lately....and I don't even have normal things to whine about, and so it feels like a very piriful existence....I mean i played with my dog lots, I colored, I played with play doh with my mommy, and we even played my new memory card game! And so I have way too much to be happy about to really be so worried and irritated over things that the people doing them, don't even know they are being so darn irritating....well at least writing this makes me feel better now, so I accomplished something in my useless babblings.
and then my mommy woke up, and she let me be little and help her fix lunch, mostly this meant I got to get all of the things out of the fridge, and then put them away, and i wasn't allowed to do anything she wouldn't let a bio kid do, and so then we sat on the floor and had a picnic with our lunch. What we ate was probably a bit weird to most people though, cause we dry up tuna fish and make a stir fry with bell peppers and carrots and then rolled it up into tortillas, and so you have to kind of aquire a taste for it, but we like it, so it was good and happiness, we kind of end up eating things like that towards the end of the month when money doesn't stretch, but it's at times like this, when I'm cold, and eating funny concoctions, that I still manage to feel very blessed and lucky, i have the best mommy in the whole wide world, I have warm fleecey blankets, and really even though my life isn't perfect, it's mine and so it's perfect for me.
Being easily suggestable did not help me today, I was crannnnky sometimes....I kind of got over stimulated, and so even though some days like yesterday are super good, as the day went on, I started to get more easily irritated, and it all kind of started because my mommy was making a comment on the picture I was coloring, and she was trying to help me, but I was afraid she was saying how horrible it was, and so that's all I could hear then. So then I automatically shut myself up into Leah mode, (and she is my 11 year old IK for people who don't know), and that was definatly not a good thing because she is very protective, and when I am in Leah mode I find myself arguing with every tiny thing people say, even if they are right, I find myself being mean and just wanting to have people feel as bad and yucky as I do inside, and it's just more of that monster inside me poking it's ugly head through, but I was really mean to people today....and so now I'm feeling icky and like a horrid person.
And I really, really want to go eat the rest of the brownies we made yesterday, but I'm not going to because I see my doctor in the morning, so I have to be extra good all the rest of tonight and only drink water so my blood sugar will be good, because that's another reason I'm so anxious today, because I always feel like i am having to prove myself to people, and like nothing I ever do is good enough, and alot of my medical history growing up was about whatever my mother said being the truth, so now I don't trust doctors a whole lot because of how she hurt me by making me sick to get attention....and so if I even suspect a doctor is accusing me of faking symptoms or of not taking care of myself and he's wrong, it's a major trigger to sending me into a whirlwind of flashbacks.
~sighs~
It sounds like all I do is whine lately....and I don't even have normal things to whine about, and so it feels like a very piriful existence....I mean i played with my dog lots, I colored, I played with play doh with my mommy, and we even played my new memory card game! And so I have way too much to be happy about to really be so worried and irritated over things that the people doing them, don't even know they are being so darn irritating....well at least writing this makes me feel better now, so I accomplished something in my useless babblings.
