Today was definatly better then yesterday, it was like I could feel myself coming back up the roller coaster instead of sprialing downwards at top speed, and it was slow, but it was nice and comforting. I still wanted to hide, really and truly very much so I did, but I didn't, I kept playing and today another spark of magic come back to life in my heart and it was good, well it was more then just good, but I don't have all of the words for it now either......
Sometimes I just feel so emotional, and today was one of those days where every single thing I did felt very profound, which is kinda silly, all I did was play runescape, put away one measily load of laundry and played lots online, so it was most uninteresting. but I got to see my cousin Shell shell again and I had missed her lots and so it felt really super good to get to talk to her and it was just a fun day I guess....and so I didn't really have anything exciting to say, but well, that's kinda how my life goes....but for some reason, things felt less impossible today, I started to not feel like I was going to be sad forever....and even though lotsa hard days likely lay ahead, I'll be ok.
13 days til christmas an til adoption anneversery! yay!!
Sometimes I just feel so emotional, and today was one of those days where every single thing I did felt very profound, which is kinda silly, all I did was play runescape, put away one measily load of laundry and played lots online, so it was most uninteresting. but I got to see my cousin Shell shell again and I had missed her lots and so it felt really super good to get to talk to her and it was just a fun day I guess....and so I didn't really have anything exciting to say, but well, that's kinda how my life goes....but for some reason, things felt less impossible today, I started to not feel like I was going to be sad forever....and even though lotsa hard days likely lay ahead, I'll be ok.
13 days til christmas an til adoption anneversery! yay!!
I don't really feel good today. and I didn't really do anything all that exciting either, mostly I slept until like 3pm, and now it is only 7 hours since I woke up, and I'm feeling dizzy and my back hurt all yesterday and it still hurts today and I kind of just feel whiny and pouty and not like doing anything. but I still played and stuff because in my heart I knew I needed to so I wouldn't want to keep on hiding....
See, i think it's like this. Sometimes if I don't constantly keep playing and interacting with people in general, then I start to wonder what would happen if I disappeared. I mean even though I am in the midst of such amazing friends and family, I still always wonder if I am really all that important, and so it becomes tempting to hide and not come online at all, and to hide from friends offline and to just not do anything. I don't really know why I do it, but usually when I disappear, and I'm not "sick-sick" it's cause after a while i get so depressed then, because I hide from the very people who lift me up an support me, an then I get cranky that they didn't come to look for me, an cept I hid from them and pushed them away and made it so they absolutly couldn't do that.....and so then it becomes it's own cycle of pushing people away and them not being able to get to me and I just get more and more sad....
and then in the end the truth is that if I just would talk to my friends an family, I'd feel better, but the longer I don't, the harder it becomes to open up....an I guess my point is that, I love my famiy soooo much, sometimes they reallllllly get on my nerves, but I love them all, they are my heart an soul an they are whats most important in my life cause they remind me it's ok to be me.....but I gotta give them that chance an not shove them away and smile an pretend it's all ok. I got a friend, who when she asks how I am, the one answer I can't give is "ok" I have to say how it really is, it's just a rule we got for each other, an I think maybe I should be that way with more people and then I wouldn't feel so much like my happy mask was creeping back on again.
Anyhow, I'm dizzy kinda, and sleepy still and so I'm off to bed soon.......but i always say that an then I stay up later so who knows....
Laterz,
~zoooooms~
See, i think it's like this. Sometimes if I don't constantly keep playing and interacting with people in general, then I start to wonder what would happen if I disappeared. I mean even though I am in the midst of such amazing friends and family, I still always wonder if I am really all that important, and so it becomes tempting to hide and not come online at all, and to hide from friends offline and to just not do anything. I don't really know why I do it, but usually when I disappear, and I'm not "sick-sick" it's cause after a while i get so depressed then, because I hide from the very people who lift me up an support me, an then I get cranky that they didn't come to look for me, an cept I hid from them and pushed them away and made it so they absolutly couldn't do that.....and so then it becomes it's own cycle of pushing people away and them not being able to get to me and I just get more and more sad....
and then in the end the truth is that if I just would talk to my friends an family, I'd feel better, but the longer I don't, the harder it becomes to open up....an I guess my point is that, I love my famiy soooo much, sometimes they reallllllly get on my nerves, but I love them all, they are my heart an soul an they are whats most important in my life cause they remind me it's ok to be me.....but I gotta give them that chance an not shove them away and smile an pretend it's all ok. I got a friend, who when she asks how I am, the one answer I can't give is "ok" I have to say how it really is, it's just a rule we got for each other, an I think maybe I should be that way with more people and then I wouldn't feel so much like my happy mask was creeping back on again.
Anyhow, I'm dizzy kinda, and sleepy still and so I'm off to bed soon.......but i always say that an then I stay up later so who knows....
Laterz,
~zoooooms~
I really should be in bed, really and truly, but my mommy is even still awake too so I guess it's ok "just this one time" as she likes to say. But then again, it's been like this for almost a week, there was 2 nights I went to bed on time, an the rest I pretty much stayed up when I wanted, and true I stayed up those night because she was awake too, but I sometimes miss the order and routine I used to have in my life. But I'm also starting to see that I have to be more spontaneous, and really treasure those special moments when they come alone. And tonight my mommy surprized me by coming to play for an hour with me and my friends in chat so it was kind of neat.
I hadn't seen my sister(Sammy) in like forever, and tonight she showed up! And I was just so happy, cause I missed her and we got to snuggle up and watch Garfeild's christmas together on youtube.com an so like we played it at the same time and it was just nice and cozy and I kept looking at my christmas tree that's in my bedroom and really feeling like some of the magic is coming back to me, it's still really hard to play but everyday that I wake up and refuse to let the depression keep me in bed, wanting to roll over an give up....everyday that I fight hard gainst that black fog, I'm glad that I did because such amazingly things happen, and they are so simple, but oh so precious to my heart....spending that time tonight with Sammy was one of those times for me, it was time spent without all of the drama my family had previously known and it was just the way things used to be for a while.
2 weeks til Christmas!! And 2 weeks til the anneversery of my mommy 'dopting me, an I'm so happy and excited and I love this time of year, it has so many special memories in it for me, and so many special memories still to be made.
~zooms off to bed....possibly lol~
I hadn't seen my sister(Sammy) in like forever, and tonight she showed up! And I was just so happy, cause I missed her and we got to snuggle up and watch Garfeild's christmas together on youtube.com an so like we played it at the same time and it was just nice and cozy and I kept looking at my christmas tree that's in my bedroom and really feeling like some of the magic is coming back to me, it's still really hard to play but everyday that I wake up and refuse to let the depression keep me in bed, wanting to roll over an give up....everyday that I fight hard gainst that black fog, I'm glad that I did because such amazingly things happen, and they are so simple, but oh so precious to my heart....spending that time tonight with Sammy was one of those times for me, it was time spent without all of the drama my family had previously known and it was just the way things used to be for a while.
2 weeks til Christmas!! And 2 weeks til the anneversery of my mommy 'dopting me, an I'm so happy and excited and I love this time of year, it has so many special memories in it for me, and so many special memories still to be made.
~zooms off to bed....possibly lol~
So I went to bed aroud midnight last night and woke up at like 7am today. So I guess it was good for me, but I still felt pouty and whiny. An my mommy said if I whined or got too frustrated with playing my new game, I wouldn't be able to play it til she said, and so inevitably the first time I can't figure something out and I whine at her, she makes me stop playing~sighs~ So then I got extra cranky and stomped out into the living room to watch christmas cartoons, but they just weren't very interesting to me today, probably because of the mood I was in though. and I knew I really shouldda done laundry, but I just didn't wanna so now I gotta do it tomorrow....so today was just definatly not my day.
But then tonight my mommy let me have the game back and she worked with me on it and tried to help me so I would slow down and not get so frustrated and when I really paid attention to the instructions on the game it made more sense. But then I was mad it was hard, cause it was! An I dunno I wanted to give up, but even when I didn't have a membership on this game, I worked super hard to get my skill points up an stuff an so like now that somebody is payin' 5 dollars a month for me to have all these extra features I can't just stop playin' just cause it's hard. an well when I really did see I got new stuff I was better....just I get so cranky lately, an I think it's cause I'm frustrated an depressed an unmotivated an just blahhh and I really wish I could get un-blahhh. I should actually go outside tomorrow, cause it's part of my problem too I guess, and maybe we'll get to bake cookies soon like we've been talking about and so that'll be fun.
Well I'm gunna see how much playtime I squeeze in before midnight now, I gots an hour mwuhahaha!~gigglin an zoomin off~
But then tonight my mommy let me have the game back and she worked with me on it and tried to help me so I would slow down and not get so frustrated and when I really paid attention to the instructions on the game it made more sense. But then I was mad it was hard, cause it was! An I dunno I wanted to give up, but even when I didn't have a membership on this game, I worked super hard to get my skill points up an stuff an so like now that somebody is payin' 5 dollars a month for me to have all these extra features I can't just stop playin' just cause it's hard. an well when I really did see I got new stuff I was better....just I get so cranky lately, an I think it's cause I'm frustrated an depressed an unmotivated an just blahhh and I really wish I could get un-blahhh. I should actually go outside tomorrow, cause it's part of my problem too I guess, and maybe we'll get to bake cookies soon like we've been talking about and so that'll be fun.
Well I'm gunna see how much playtime I squeeze in before midnight now, I gots an hour mwuhahaha!~gigglin an zoomin off~
Today was a very sleepy, lazy sort of day. I was supossed to go to my group at the mental health center today, but I just really didn't feel like it, and mostly it was because I was awake until like 6am, but also just I haven't wanted to be around those people lately. Yesterday when I had to meet with my councilor and my caseworker at the center, it really got me to thinking that I don't want to be so dependent on people forever, I might still have to be for a while longer and there might be some things that I never totally am able to do on my own, but I want to be able to try harder to not be so isolated from the world, the real world, not just the protected one that I have right now, but the one where I can go out and talk to people not as a patient, or someone in my group therapy sessions but just people....which I think sounds like i think I'm better then those people now, and I'm not....I just want something *more* out of things, and I'm not sure what exactly that is yet.
And so, I slept all the way til 3pm when Dawn woke us up with a surprize and it was that we got our membership to runescape finally paid for and it's so fun! It's an online role playgame for those people who don't know and it's just kind of fun to do the quests and it just gets my mind off things because I can zone into it and not worry so much about stuff. But then it was frustrating lots too, and I got whiny and my mommy said I have to wait til tomorrow to play it again, and she says I can't stay up past midnight anymore, and that kind of threw me off too. Cause normally she doesn't really notice, or I don't think she notices, what I'm up to, but obviously she was letting me find out on my own how irritable and cranky I was without enough sleep, so now if I stay up too late, I'm gunna find myself in trouble I guess~sighs~ but truly, I'm secretly glad that she cares enough to set that boundary, I'm just kind of pouty about it too.
I played lots today, and talked to a few people I haven't seen in like forever! and so that was good, and I think that this holiday season I will really be ok, I might get depressed still because December and January are some of the hardest months for me, and I always think if I can make it to february I'll be ok, cause my birthday is february 3rd an so it's like I force myself to hang on another year, and then by the time it gets here, the happiness returns. I wish it wasn't like that though, I wish winter didn't feel like this thick cold black fog hovering over me so I could be around more. So umm, poking me is good, if you don't see me around for a few days, because sometimes all it takes is the mere thought that somebody wondered what I was up to, to pull me out of my pit and make me smile again.
Enogh rambles for tonight.....off to play!
And so, I slept all the way til 3pm when Dawn woke us up with a surprize and it was that we got our membership to runescape finally paid for and it's so fun! It's an online role playgame for those people who don't know and it's just kind of fun to do the quests and it just gets my mind off things because I can zone into it and not worry so much about stuff. But then it was frustrating lots too, and I got whiny and my mommy said I have to wait til tomorrow to play it again, and she says I can't stay up past midnight anymore, and that kind of threw me off too. Cause normally she doesn't really notice, or I don't think she notices, what I'm up to, but obviously she was letting me find out on my own how irritable and cranky I was without enough sleep, so now if I stay up too late, I'm gunna find myself in trouble I guess~sighs~ but truly, I'm secretly glad that she cares enough to set that boundary, I'm just kind of pouty about it too.
I played lots today, and talked to a few people I haven't seen in like forever! and so that was good, and I think that this holiday season I will really be ok, I might get depressed still because December and January are some of the hardest months for me, and I always think if I can make it to february I'll be ok, cause my birthday is february 3rd an so it's like I force myself to hang on another year, and then by the time it gets here, the happiness returns. I wish it wasn't like that though, I wish winter didn't feel like this thick cold black fog hovering over me so I could be around more. So umm, poking me is good, if you don't see me around for a few days, because sometimes all it takes is the mere thought that somebody wondered what I was up to, to pull me out of my pit and make me smile again.
Enogh rambles for tonight.....off to play!
It's been a long long time since I had the energy to write in here. I was sick since right after thanksgiving and it was a horrible icky kinda sickness that the doctors just couldn't figure out, and I'm still kind of drained from it, I tire easily and I don't feel like myself still, but I am definatly back to playing more so that's good at least.
Lots an lots of stuff has happened, but it's funny because now that I sit down to write it all out, my head gets empty, so bare with me while I try to muddle through things. I got a hair cut the other day, an that was fun, an it shouldn't be a big major thing to blog about but I have wanted one for like 6 months now, but they charge like more money then I have to deal with my extra thick hair so I don't often get to treat myself to that.
I bought my mommy such cool christmas presents only...she reads my blog so I can't even tell people what they are yet! hehe And we put up our christmas tree and we got outside christmas lights and just all sortsa neat stuff. The holidays are always a big struggle for me because I want them to be perfect, an when they turn out less then perfect like they inevitably will, I always want to say fine, an not do anythin' at all...an thenit turns into even more of a flop.....~sighs~
I felt pretty today for the first time in a long time, I didn't really do anything special, except with my new hair cut, I look older, more sophisticated, and I felt more confident, and I was wearing a new sweater I bought myself and just I actually felt happy, it was a nice feeling.....I worry I'm loosing my littleness though and I don't want to, but lately it's been hard. i don't know if it's because I want to protect myself from all the depression that just about drowns me out this time of year or what....
And to top it all off my councilor's last day of work is December 21st an that's the last time I'll see her so I'm really worried what will happen when I have to find someone I can really trust all over again an stuff....
Well i'll stop blabbering on for tonight....I wanted to let everyone know I was still out here though.
Lots an lots of stuff has happened, but it's funny because now that I sit down to write it all out, my head gets empty, so bare with me while I try to muddle through things. I got a hair cut the other day, an that was fun, an it shouldn't be a big major thing to blog about but I have wanted one for like 6 months now, but they charge like more money then I have to deal with my extra thick hair so I don't often get to treat myself to that.
I bought my mommy such cool christmas presents only...she reads my blog so I can't even tell people what they are yet! hehe And we put up our christmas tree and we got outside christmas lights and just all sortsa neat stuff. The holidays are always a big struggle for me because I want them to be perfect, an when they turn out less then perfect like they inevitably will, I always want to say fine, an not do anythin' at all...an thenit turns into even more of a flop.....~sighs~
I felt pretty today for the first time in a long time, I didn't really do anything special, except with my new hair cut, I look older, more sophisticated, and I felt more confident, and I was wearing a new sweater I bought myself and just I actually felt happy, it was a nice feeling.....I worry I'm loosing my littleness though and I don't want to, but lately it's been hard. i don't know if it's because I want to protect myself from all the depression that just about drowns me out this time of year or what....
And to top it all off my councilor's last day of work is December 21st an that's the last time I'll see her so I'm really worried what will happen when I have to find someone I can really trust all over again an stuff....
Well i'll stop blabbering on for tonight....I wanted to let everyone know I was still out here though.
I didn't intend for today to even feel like the amazingly magical day that is did. In fact when we first started to plan our thanksgiving meal here and the friends we would invite over, it seemed like it would turn into a flop like most other years, and that I would find out that my bio-family was right, that my life really did suck without them. But today was proof that I don't need their approval, to have a place that I belong in. Today I didn't need to show off my perfect green bean casserole, or hide the we sort of burnt the pumpkin pie a tiny bit....today it wasn't material things that made it all so perfect....
Today it was the laughter of friends, the sharing of good food, the watching of sappy holiday movies, and just enjoying a nice warm fall day, and taking a good warm cozy nap afterwards. Today I have so many things to be thankful for that it's impossible for me to even begin to list them.
I'm thankful to be at home, that in and of itself in a miracle, because for those who don't know me well, I have a pretty cruddy medical history, and this time of year is when my body is the least able to resist infection, but so far this year feels like such a blessing simply because of that. This time last year I was suffering through a lot of stomach problems, it was refusing to digest food because of a partially paralyzed nerve, and this year I was enjoying a thanksgiving meal, with limitations, but I was still able to do it, without the aide of a feeding tube!
I'm thankful to even have a place to call home, it might not be much, but it was literally 5 years ago from today that I was still in a very abusive environment and planning to be on my way to my now mommy on a plane within a few days from then. I might have lost the materialistic life I grew up with, but I have gained a true sense of what family is.
Which brings me to my amazing family and friends. You are all too many to even begin to mention, because if I did I know without a doubt I would forget someone, but if I should ever forget to tell you how much you mean to me, please know right now that i love each and every one of you from the very bottom of my heart, and when we went around the table today, and when I said I was thankful for family, it included not only my mommy and my sister and cousin in real life but the people who literally span the globe that make my life the miracle of love that it is.
Today I saw life in the innocent way it should be seen again, for brief moments I felt as carefree and small and taken care of as a real 6 year old. Today, some of the magic came back.
Today it was the laughter of friends, the sharing of good food, the watching of sappy holiday movies, and just enjoying a nice warm fall day, and taking a good warm cozy nap afterwards. Today I have so many things to be thankful for that it's impossible for me to even begin to list them.
I'm thankful to be at home, that in and of itself in a miracle, because for those who don't know me well, I have a pretty cruddy medical history, and this time of year is when my body is the least able to resist infection, but so far this year feels like such a blessing simply because of that. This time last year I was suffering through a lot of stomach problems, it was refusing to digest food because of a partially paralyzed nerve, and this year I was enjoying a thanksgiving meal, with limitations, but I was still able to do it, without the aide of a feeding tube!
I'm thankful to even have a place to call home, it might not be much, but it was literally 5 years ago from today that I was still in a very abusive environment and planning to be on my way to my now mommy on a plane within a few days from then. I might have lost the materialistic life I grew up with, but I have gained a true sense of what family is.
Which brings me to my amazing family and friends. You are all too many to even begin to mention, because if I did I know without a doubt I would forget someone, but if I should ever forget to tell you how much you mean to me, please know right now that i love each and every one of you from the very bottom of my heart, and when we went around the table today, and when I said I was thankful for family, it included not only my mommy and my sister and cousin in real life but the people who literally span the globe that make my life the miracle of love that it is.
Today I saw life in the innocent way it should be seen again, for brief moments I felt as carefree and small and taken care of as a real 6 year old. Today, some of the magic came back.