Maya's Most Hyper Musings

Up, up and away!!

2006-12-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

Today was definatly better then yesterday, it was like I could feel myself coming back up the roller coaster instead of sprialing downwards at top speed, and it was slow, but it was nice and comforting. I still wanted to hide, really and truly very much so I did, but I didn't, I kept playing and today another spark of magic come back to life in my heart and it was good, well it was more then just good, but I don't have all of the words for it now either......

Sometimes I just feel so emotional, and today was one of those days where every single thing I did felt very profound, which is kinda silly, all I did was play runescape, put away one measily load of laundry and played lots online, so it was most uninteresting. but I got to see my cousin Shell shell again and I had missed her lots and so it felt really super good to get to talk to her and it was just a fun day I guess....and so I didn't really have anything exciting to say, but well, that's kinda how my life goes....but for some reason, things felt less impossible today, I started to not feel like I was going to be sad forever....and even though lotsa hard days likely lay ahead, I'll be ok.

13 days til christmas an til adoption anneversery! yay!!

Hidin' out

2006-12-11T20:05:00.000-08:00

I don't really feel good today. and I didn't really do anything all that exciting either, mostly I slept until like 3pm, and now it is only 7 hours since I woke up, and I'm feeling dizzy and my back hurt all yesterday and it still hurts today and I kind of just feel whiny and pouty and not like doing anything. but I still played and stuff because in my heart I knew I needed to so I wouldn't want to keep on hiding....

See, i think it's like this. Sometimes if I don't constantly keep playing and interacting with people in general, then I start to wonder what would happen if I disappeared. I mean even though I am in the midst of such amazing friends and family, I still always wonder if I am really all that important, and so it becomes tempting to hide and not come online at all, and to hide from friends offline and to just not do anything. I don't really know why I do it, but usually when I disappear, and I'm not "sick-sick" it's cause after a while i get so depressed then, because I hide from the very people who lift me up an support me, an then I get cranky that they didn't come to look for me, an cept I hid from them and pushed them away and made it so they absolutly couldn't do that.....and so then it becomes it's own cycle of pushing people away and them not being able to get to me and I just get more and more sad....

and then in the end the truth is that if I just would talk to my friends an family, I'd feel better, but the longer I don't, the harder it becomes to open up....an I guess my point is that, I love my famiy soooo much, sometimes they reallllllly get on my nerves, but I love them all, they are my heart an soul an they are whats most important in my life cause they remind me it's ok to be me.....but I gotta give them that chance an not shove them away and smile an pretend it's all ok. I got a friend, who when she asks how I am, the one answer I can't give is "ok" I have to say how it really is, it's just a rule we got for each other, an I think maybe I should be that way with more people and then I wouldn't feel so much like my happy mask was creeping back on again.

Anyhow, I'm dizzy kinda, and sleepy still and so I'm off to bed soon.......but i always say that an then I stay up later so who knows....

Laterz,
~zoooooms~

Special memories....

2006-12-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

I really should be in bed, really and truly, but my mommy is even still awake too so I guess it's ok "just this one time" as she likes to say. But then again, it's been like this for almost a week, there was 2 nights I went to bed on time, an the rest I pretty much stayed up when I wanted, and true I stayed up those night because she was awake too, but I sometimes miss the order and routine I used to have in my life. But I'm also starting to see that I have to be more spontaneous, and really treasure those special moments when they come alone. And tonight my mommy surprized me by coming to play for an hour with me and my friends in chat so it was kind of neat.

I hadn't seen my sister(Sammy) in like forever, and tonight she showed up! And I was just so happy, cause I missed her and we got to snuggle up and watch Garfeild's christmas together on youtube.com an so like we played it at the same time and it was just nice and cozy and I kept looking at my christmas tree that's in my bedroom and really feeling like some of the magic is coming back to me, it's still really hard to play but everyday that I wake up and refuse to let the depression keep me in bed, wanting to roll over an give up....everyday that I fight hard gainst that black fog, I'm glad that I did because such amazingly things happen, and they are so simple, but oh so precious to my heart....spending that time tonight with Sammy was one of those times for me, it was time spent without all of the drama my family had previously known and it was just the way things used to be for a while.

2 weeks til Christmas!! And 2 weeks til the anneversery of my mommy 'dopting me, an I'm so happy and excited and I love this time of year, it has so many special memories in it for me, and so many special memories still to be made.

~zooms off to bed....possibly lol~

Dragging myself through....

2006-12-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

So I went to bed aroud midnight last night and woke up at like 7am today. So I guess it was good for me, but I still felt pouty and whiny. An my mommy said if I whined or got too frustrated with playing my new game, I wouldn't be able to play it til she said, and so inevitably the first time I can't figure something out and I whine at her, she makes me stop playing~sighs~ So then I got extra cranky and stomped out into the living room to watch christmas cartoons, but they just weren't very interesting to me today, probably because of the mood I was in though. and I knew I really shouldda done laundry, but I just didn't wanna so now I gotta do it tomorrow....so today was just definatly not my day.

But then tonight my mommy let me have the game back and she worked with me on it and tried to help me so I would slow down and not get so frustrated and when I really paid attention to the instructions on the game it made more sense. But then I was mad it was hard, cause it was! An I dunno I wanted to give up, but even when I didn't have a membership on this game, I worked super hard to get my skill points up an stuff an so like now that somebody is payin' 5 dollars a month for me to have all these extra features I can't just stop playin' just cause it's hard. an well when I really did see I got new stuff I was better....just I get so cranky lately, an I think it's cause I'm frustrated an depressed an unmotivated an just blahhh and I really wish I could get un-blahhh. I should actually go outside tomorrow, cause it's part of my problem too I guess, and maybe we'll get to bake cookies soon like we've been talking about and so that'll be fun.

Well I'm gunna see how much playtime I squeeze in before midnight now, I gots an hour mwuhahaha!~gigglin an zoomin off~

The blahhs set in

2006-12-08T19:31:00.000-08:00

Today was a very sleepy, lazy sort of day. I was supossed to go to my group at the mental health center today, but I just really didn't feel like it, and mostly it was because I was awake until like 6am, but also just I haven't wanted to be around those people lately. Yesterday when I had to meet with my councilor and my caseworker at the center, it really got me to thinking that I don't want to be so dependent on people forever, I might still have to be for a while longer and there might be some things that I never totally am able to do on my own, but I want to be able to try harder to not be so isolated from the world, the real world, not just the protected one that I have right now, but the one where I can go out and talk to people not as a patient, or someone in my group therapy sessions but just people....which I think sounds like i think I'm better then those people now, and I'm not....I just want something *more* out of things, and I'm not sure what exactly that is yet.

And so, I slept all the way til 3pm when Dawn woke us up with a surprize and it was that we got our membership to runescape finally paid for and it's so fun! It's an online role playgame for those people who don't know and it's just kind of fun to do the quests and it just gets my mind off things because I can zone into it and not worry so much about stuff. But then it was frustrating lots too, and I got whiny and my mommy said I have to wait til tomorrow to play it again, and she says I can't stay up past midnight anymore, and that kind of threw me off too. Cause normally she doesn't really notice, or I don't think she notices, what I'm up to, but obviously she was letting me find out on my own how irritable and cranky I was without enough sleep, so now if I stay up too late, I'm gunna find myself in trouble I guess~sighs~ but truly, I'm secretly glad that she cares enough to set that boundary, I'm just kind of pouty about it too.

I played lots today, and talked to a few people I haven't seen in like forever! and so that was good, and I think that this holiday season I will really be ok, I might get depressed still because December and January are some of the hardest months for me, and I always think if I can make it to february I'll be ok, cause my birthday is february 3rd an so it's like I force myself to hang on another year, and then by the time it gets here, the happiness returns. I wish it wasn't like that though, I wish winter didn't feel like this thick cold black fog hovering over me so I could be around more. So umm, poking me is good, if you don't see me around for a few days, because sometimes all it takes is the mere thought that somebody wondered what I was up to, to pull me out of my pit and make me smile again.

Enogh rambles for tonight.....off to play!

Emerging from the mist....

2006-12-07T23:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a long long time since I had the energy to write in here. I was sick since right after thanksgiving and it was a horrible icky kinda sickness that the doctors just couldn't figure out, and I'm still kind of drained from it, I tire easily and I don't feel like myself still, but I am definatly back to playing more so that's good at least.

Lots an lots of stuff has happened, but it's funny because now that I sit down to write it all out, my head gets empty, so bare with me while I try to muddle through things. I got a hair cut the other day, an that was fun, an it shouldn't be a big major thing to blog about but I have wanted one for like 6 months now, but they charge like more money then I have to deal with my extra thick hair so I don't often get to treat myself to that.

I bought my mommy such cool christmas presents only...she reads my blog so I can't even tell people what they are yet! hehe And we put up our christmas tree and we got outside christmas lights and just all sortsa neat stuff. The holidays are always a big struggle for me because I want them to be perfect, an when they turn out less then perfect like they inevitably will, I always want to say fine, an not do anythin' at all...an thenit turns into even more of a flop.....~sighs~

I felt pretty today for the first time in a long time, I didn't really do anything special, except with my new hair cut, I look older, more sophisticated, and I felt more confident, and I was wearing a new sweater I bought myself and just I actually felt happy, it was a nice feeling.....I worry I'm loosing my littleness though and I don't want to, but lately it's been hard. i don't know if it's because I want to protect myself from all the depression that just about drowns me out this time of year or what....

And to top it all off my councilor's last day of work is December 21st an that's the last time I'll see her so I'm really worried what will happen when I have to find someone I can really trust all over again an stuff....

Well i'll stop blabbering on for tonight....I wanted to let everyone know I was still out here though.

A Thankful Heart

2006-11-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

I didn't intend for today to even feel like the amazingly magical day that is did. In fact when we first started to plan our thanksgiving meal here and the friends we would invite over, it seemed like it would turn into a flop like most other years, and that I would find out that my bio-family was right, that my life really did suck without them. But today was proof that I don't need their approval, to have a place that I belong in. Today I didn't need to show off my perfect green bean casserole, or hide the we sort of burnt the pumpkin pie a tiny bit....today it wasn't material things that made it all so perfect....

Today it was the laughter of friends, the sharing of good food, the watching of sappy holiday movies, and just enjoying a nice warm fall day, and taking a good warm cozy nap afterwards. Today I have so many things to be thankful for that it's impossible for me to even begin to list them.

I'm thankful to be at home, that in and of itself in a miracle, because for those who don't know me well, I have a pretty cruddy medical history, and this time of year is when my body is the least able to resist infection, but so far this year feels like such a blessing simply because of that. This time last year I was suffering through a lot of stomach problems, it was refusing to digest food because of a partially paralyzed nerve, and this year I was enjoying a thanksgiving meal, with limitations, but I was still able to do it, without the aide of a feeding tube!

I'm thankful to even have a place to call home, it might not be much, but it was literally 5 years ago from today that I was still in a very abusive environment and planning to be on my way to my now mommy on a plane within a few days from then. I might have lost the materialistic life I grew up with, but I have gained a true sense of what family is.

Which brings me to my amazing family and friends. You are all too many to even begin to mention, because if I did I know without a doubt I would forget someone, but if I should ever forget to tell you how much you mean to me, please know right now that i love each and every one of you from the very bottom of my heart, and when we went around the table today, and when I said I was thankful for family, it included not only my mommy and my sister and cousin in real life but the people who literally span the globe that make my life the miracle of love that it is.

Today I saw life in the innocent way it should be seen again, for brief moments I felt as carefree and small and taken care of as a real 6 year old. Today, some of the magic came back.

2006-11-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

I loat a very good friend and family member this past weekend. I don't want to go into tons of details about her, or about why she chose to shut me out of her life, I just need to let some of the grief out about loosing her. It was over something so very silly, that she said she was ok about one day, for many days and then the next she was flaming mad and ranting and raving at me and tearing me down in every possible way. My big did everything she possibly could for this woman, but she could not be the momma she wanted for her innerkids, she couldn't continue to lie and say she could. My big gained something so awesome thig past week, she adopted the little girl she has always wanted since the day she entered ageplay, and things feel so perfect and they just fit together, and the people who are truely happy for her and for me, they are who I need to be around and not someone who is so jealous that she did not get the same thing, that she can't share in our joy. That is simply stated not the sign of a true friend. and I can't allow myself to apolygize for doing what makes my heart happy, I just can't.
I was her friend for almost 2 years, but a time comes when I have to realize that I can't let myself be forced to be something I am not, I was always working so hard to be good enough for her and then finding myself in tears when she critisized my efforts. and she is likely telling the world lies upon lies about me, but I have risen above that now, I've moved on and I have what makes my life complete, I don't need her, I dont need that hurt. It's over....it will still hurt, it likely always will, but I can't keep letting her destroy my life.

Coming out of hiding

2006-11-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

Hmm what's been going on for me....well my big adopted her little girl November 11th, but that's kinda stuff my big should talk bout so maybe my big needs her own blog hehe! but it's been super awesome for me too, so I guess I can talk about it too because it does affect me. It makes me really happy to see them both happy and just, like everytime my big would see her, for like the whole year and then some that she knew her, we'd feel our hearts leap up inna our chest, cause like, she was just already inside our heart then, so it bein' official is just well the most super awesome thing ever!

I'm kinda fightin off feelin's of depression lately, it gets so cold and so dark so early and it's just blahh lots. So today I made myself get outta bed, put real clothes on and do stuff. and like all weekend I did like over 10 loads of laundry it was crazy! And so there is already another whole 3 loads to do but anyhoo hehe at least some of it got done!

There is more I want to say, and I haven't really felt like posting my blog in puvlic in a while, so I'm just kinda gunna hide out here for a bit til I feel ok again.

2006-11-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

We had a crazy past two days of getting money, paying bills and doing shopping but for some reason we managed to get it all done so now we can just relax, which is good because it's getting colder outside and we don't want to do anything or go out unless we have to. This whole clock change still has me feeling off balance, it gets dark so early and I find I get more depressed, and so my doctor says she might try me on a new med when I see her next month to help with that. Anyhow I got tons of new stuff like 5 new junie b jones books, (they are my new favorite addiction!), a HUGE strawberry shortcake poster sized coloring book, and it even has a huge page of just stickers it's way awesomeness! And I got a raggedy Anne and Andy coloring book today and I thought that was pretty cool. And I got a Dora the explorer calendar for next year an that was fun too. and I also got a pillbox....that on the other hand was not fun, to realize I take so many pills a day that I have to organize them all into little slots to take 6 times a day is just nuts! And then to top it all off, I woke up this morning with a horrible sore throat, tonsils all swollen up and a fever that's come and gone all day, but I really am not wanting to be on antibiotics so I'm toughin' it out til Monday and if it's not better by then, then I'll hafta go see the doctor blahh

We found out our landlord is alot more sick then we thought when we first met him back in June when we started renting from him, we knew he had cancer, but now they say it's spread into his spine and his brain and he doesn't have much longer to live. I'm worried sick now, because his wife says they don't intend to keep the properties, they're going to sell them and that means potentially and very verrry likely they will get sold to our old landlord who did not like us at all so then we risk becoming homeless. And I really shouldn't be so worried about this til we actually talk to the landlord's wife more and such but it's just that I really hate this sooo much cause I'm so tired of always moving and never really having the security of knowing a place is really home....and I'm afraid of being homeless again......

Last thought for the night is about my family. Well actually about someone who usda be part of it an it's hard i guess to see people movin' on, it's hard to accept that after we stopped bein' family that they can just be able to move on, an deep down inside it hurts. But before I realized the hurt, I realized the rageful anger that welled up inside, and I wanted to bite and kick and scream mean things.....but tonight I learned a pretty amazing lesson. I learned that my family is always there for me no matter how I am feeling, and so when I thought I wanted to exploded, my auntie was there for me an it just brought me to tears, good tears, but just how awesome the love in my family is jus....is like wow....and so im still kind of in a deep fog of knowing how loved and cared about I am and just also kind of torn about another thing....but I won't go into that tonight, because I can only process so much emotion at once I think.

Good replacing the bad

2006-10-31T20:20:00.000-08:00

Today was really, really hard in an emotionally exhausting kind of way. I didn't expect it to be easy, even though I was surrounded by so many awesomely amazing friends and family, I was never alone for very long, and that helped immensely, just knowing I had people to lean on. I had probably hundreds of hugs and kind words sent my way, and it just helped me so much more then I could ever hope to express. There were times that I broke down into tears, times I got too over-sensitive and needed some extra time and patience, but today proved to me most of all that it's ok to need people, and it's ok to want to be held and it's ok to be loved and to accept that love. I feel so tired, but I'm happy because a day that used to be so scary for me, now has hope of being something healing, something that I can move forward from.

and maybe one day I'll look back at all of this and see how far I've come, and be able to smile. Today, it was simply enough to say that I survived, that I was brave enough to not let my past continue to rule me.

Another good memory placed on top of the bad.

Tomorrow....

2006-10-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the day I've been dreading all month, since the arrival of halloween decorations in stores reminded me of a hauntingly painful past as it does every year. And I've been hiding, and worried and fretful, I've stressed myself out to the max, until I literally made myself physically ill, and then I realized something today.....

.....a friend pointed out to me that every year that I live in this great terror, every year that I let those memories drown out any happiness in my life, is another year those people have won, and I shouldn't keep letting them win. My own mommy even said so, that I have to keep replacing the old bad icky memories with better more positive ones.

When I was a child, every year at halloween and many other religious holidaus as well, but halloween was the worst, my parents took me and my younger brother to 'church', but it wasn't the 'good wholesome family activity' it appeared to be. You see, me and my brother and several others I grew up with, were abused by people involved in satanic practices, and they hid it under the guise of religion. Alot of people to this day deny that any of this happened, and so it is still a very hard thing even to type out....but as I cast this out upon the table, I do it only for one reason....so I can print it out in black and white, and release this fear within me.

Because from now on i don't want my past to rule me, I want to be able to move forward. Maybe I will never get much further then a few fumbling steps, but I don't ever want to be as afraid as I am now, I want to be able to replace bad horrible memories with better ones....and so tomorrow is going to be a day of playing, and just enjoying life, and it might be the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but I know I can't cower in fear forever. Tomorrow is my own personal celebration of how far I've come in my life this far, and how far I know i can go because I have the most amazing friends and family surrounding me.

Tomorrow is sparkly purple glitter day!
That's what I will tell myself whenever the memories surface, and things get too over welming, I will just tell myself I have so much in my life to celebrate, and I don't have to keep letting those people win anymore, they can't hurt me now, I'm safe, protected and very much loved. I'm the luckiest little girl in the world.

October 25th

2006-10-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this a day late cause I wrote it up last night, but I couldn't acess the site then.

one week til we get money!~dances round just for special effect~

Today I went to see my caseworker, and it went really good, usually I'm super nervous, and I never know what to say around her and so I end up not really taking about the things that get on my nerves the most and instead just fumbling for words or struggling to say what i think she wants to hear. But it turns out she talks with my councilor about me, and so she wasn't weirded out when I told her about having an IK, and so when I finish this project about myself for my councilor, she wants to see it too! And she totally listened to me talking about how ageplay is for me, and just made me feel very positive about things, and she said having an innerchild definatly sounds like a good way for me to view life and so that took so many worries away from me, and I just felt so free then, because of all the people in my life who I might worry would say I was a freak, people like my councilor, caseworker and doctor are right at the top of the list, so now that they all know life just feels a tad bit less stressful for me, and I'm not so worried bout making this project look so perfect, in fact maybe I'll be able to take pics of it with my webcam and post it here when I'm done with it!

And I role played lots today, cause i do that lots everyday, but like today I was feeling really extra sensitive about something someone said to me, but then I actually told my friend that the way she was telling me about my typos and stuff made me feel, and we worked through it, and it was kind of weird to me to realize that a complete stranger can insult me, and I not even be phased, but when someone I care about a whole lot, thinks I'm doing something wrong I totally just freak out, and so i cried a tiny bit, and after that i just hid from most people, because this being extra-over sensitive lately is just not something most people can handle, and I respect that, they shouldn't have to be on the high alert for every single one of my triggers, it just means that I absolutly must hide and try to console myself, and it's hard because my mommy does so much for me in real life.....sooo much that when i am online, I constantly spin in circles wondering why she isn't there, and then I remember the talks me and her had about her not being able to be around, because she can't keep up with me, so then I hafta remember to let my big help me and.....people may think my big is a good Guardian but...~rolls eyes~ that still doesn't mean I wanna listen to her!~giggles~

I just feel a lot like I have something really big and important to say lately, but it won't come out, like i just need to cry, but I don't know what i have to cry over, it's just this achy longing in my heart, but I can't really pinpoint what it is. I really just want halloween to hurry up an come an go so I can get on with my year and not worry bout it for 12 more months again. On this role play group I'm on this girl and her brother are really super scared of halloween, so they invent a silly holiday of their own to replace it called purple day, and I wish I had the things around my house and I'd have purple day, or zoomy day or something....but now my thoughts are just spinning so I should end this for the night.

Unbalanced

2006-10-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

Texas weather is so weeeeird, it was 29 degrees yesterday, and then tomorrow it's suposda be like 80! ~rolls eyes~ so at least i won't be cold! But still 8 days til we get money an buy a heater....an maybe some toys too! I was very super extra lazy today, all I did was play online, and I think that I proved to myself that I was extra irritable, because my back ached lots and my head hurt, and that getting up and moving around during the day is good for me, even if I am used to spending over 12 hours a day online, it's a very bad habit i have to break. My mommy has a very super scary, but also very personal medical prob goin' on right now, so she went to the doctor today, and she has to go see a specialist now, and she might hafta have surgery an stuff so, I'm kinda worried bout that, but I also can't talk bout it, 'cause she says I can't so just....i'm antsy an stuff bout it, an it twists my tummy inna scary kinda knots.

But it was kind of a lonely day cause my mommy was gone in the morning, and when she came home she was hurtin' lots so she just slept all day, and it was one of those days where the time just flew by so fast, that i hardly even knew where it all went to, and when i looked back on it, all I did was role play, stay in my pjs and just blahh.....my life is really so boring sometimes.

And I was feeling so extra sensitive today, like yesterday I felt mean and gorrible and like i wanted to just bite and kick and be soooo bad, and only today, i felt like all of those feelings got reversed, and so it felt like the world was doing that to me, and I felt as fragile as an egg shell. and I couldn't really do anything about it, so I was kind of pouting and feeling alot like I should've gone back to bed. But I force myself to stay connected, and to not lose my spark, I force myself to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world, because I know that's my first natural instinct at this time of year, and so in making myself stay in the open, I'm hoping I won't stay so depressed, but I feel a bit cranky about it too, like the light that I keep shedding on my soul is too bright, and so it's scaring the rest of the world away from me.

People keep telling me i need to find more balance in my life, and that totally confuses me, because that seems to mean something different to everyone, and then it seems to boil down to, "this is what works for me, so therefore it should work for you too", and it doesn't work that way, and it doesn't work that I really can't change a whole lot about my physical situation, I can't make my immune system function so I can work, or make any of my other health problems subside, I just have to keep going like I am, and all I can do is keep a positive attitude....which lately is very much lacking I guess, so maybe people just want the hyperness back....and I lost it...and like they expect me to just go talk to them about things, I don't even talk to my mommy about, because I should "be more open with people", but right now that's really all I can manage....I'm starting to get a complex I'm just never good enough for people, but for some reason it's really important to them that I appear to be good enough....it's a weird feeling....like I'm in the spotlight for no real reason other then that I don't mind blogging out all of my boring weird thoughts....

I made chocolate pudding tonight! So that's my happy thought for the night, sugar free chocolate pudding and a new Junie B. Book.

2006-10-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

9 days left til we can buy a heater, and it was 29 degrees when I woke up this morning brrrr!! I had to wake up at 8am so we could get ready to go to the doctor and I was just all nervous and antsy and I was kinda snippy to my mommy and so it just wasn't a good morning. But then captrans came, (those are lil buses that run to take people to medical appointments an stuff) and off we went! and it was so freezing even in the doctor's office, so they couldn't hardly get a good vein an stuff but then they did eventually and my blood sugar was good an my A1c was good(thats the number that tells a doctor what my blood sugar has been like for the past 3 months), and my liver levels are still elevated an cept my doctor says it's because of all the meds I take so my liver hasta work extra hard to pump them all through my system....an I kinda got a talkin to bout not goin to my eye doctor appointment an bout not goin to another specialist he wants me to see, but he also said I don't gotta go see him for 3 months so I'm super happy!!

And my mommy made this weird concoction last night, cause she was up all night an couldn't sleep, an it's like pizza dough with sauce cooked into it and then hamburger meat cooked into it and it's actually really good even tho it sounds weird, and so we ate that fot lunch. and then i just was lazy today and played lots and mostly just it was a quiet day for me after that.

I think I don't like how easily irritable i notice I am though, because I feel like such tiny things drive me over the brink, and i should be able to just let them go, but I don't and so they eat away at me. My caseworker says it's part of having bi-polar an when i am manic my brain is over stimulated, an cept it makes me go right back to how I was analyzing how my medication works, but today i was like....picturing my brain scraping off the nice healing salve on my frazzled nerves and instead just letting itself be mean and rude and full of this vile ugly energy. It still kind of disgusts me, even though I know I'm really not a mean person, it's just that, taking off the mask is still very revealing even to me, and having to just be real is so much harder then being bouncy.....anyhoo

Guess that's all for tonight cause I'm tryin' hard not to work myself into a major funk over all this....this time of year just is so blahh and I'm just waiting for this impending doom to crash down, and it never does, but I always feel like I'm waiting for something totally horrid to happen regardless.

2006-10-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today was mostly a good day. It was really really cold again this morning brrr! And still 10 days left til we can buy a heater. I got all snuggled up in front of the TV whe I woke up, watched some cartoons and just lounged around all lazy like in my giant cheetah blanket, i love it because i only pull it out at winter time, and it's king sized and all fleecey and warm, so it was a snuggly morning.

and then my mommy woke up, and she let me be little and help her fix lunch, mostly this meant I got to get all of the things out of the fridge, and then put them away, and i wasn't allowed to do anything she wouldn't let a bio kid do, and so then we sat on the floor and had a picnic with our lunch. What we ate was probably a bit weird to most people though, cause we dry up tuna fish and make a stir fry with bell peppers and carrots and then rolled it up into tortillas, and so you have to kind of aquire a taste for it, but we like it, so it was good and happiness, we kind of end up eating things like that towards the end of the month when money doesn't stretch, but it's at times like this, when I'm cold, and eating funny concoctions, that I still manage to feel very blessed and lucky, i have the best mommy in the whole wide world, I have warm fleecey blankets, and really even though my life isn't perfect, it's mine and so it's perfect for me.

Being easily suggestable did not help me today, I was crannnnky sometimes....I kind of got over stimulated, and so even though some days like yesterday are super good, as the day went on, I started to get more easily irritated, and it all kind of started because my mommy was making a comment on the picture I was coloring, and she was trying to help me, but I was afraid she was saying how horrible it was, and so that's all I could hear then. So then I automatically shut myself up into Leah mode, (and she is my 11 year old IK for people who don't know), and that was definatly not a good thing because she is very protective, and when I am in Leah mode I find myself arguing with every tiny thing people say, even if they are right, I find myself being mean and just wanting to have people feel as bad and yucky as I do inside, and it's just more of that monster inside me poking it's ugly head through, but I was really mean to people today....and so now I'm feeling icky and like a horrid person.

And I really, really want to go eat the rest of the brownies we made yesterday, but I'm not going to because I see my doctor in the morning, so I have to be extra good all the rest of tonight and only drink water so my blood sugar will be good, because that's another reason I'm so anxious today, because I always feel like i am having to prove myself to people, and like nothing I ever do is good enough, and alot of my medical history growing up was about whatever my mother said being the truth, so now I don't trust doctors a whole lot because of how she hurt me by making me sick to get attention....and so if I even suspect a doctor is accusing me of faking symptoms or of not taking care of myself and he's wrong, it's a major trigger to sending me into a whirlwind of flashbacks.

~sighs~

It sounds like all I do is whine lately....and I don't even have normal things to whine about, and so it feels like a very piriful existence....I mean i played with my dog lots, I colored, I played with play doh with my mommy, and we even played my new memory card game! And so I have way too much to be happy about to really be so worried and irritated over things that the people doing them, don't even know they are being so darn irritating....well at least writing this makes me feel better now, so I accomplished something in my useless babblings.

Good day

2006-10-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well last night was the first night i didn't take my sleeping med. I really was worried about not sleeping, but I slept for 10 hours! It's silly how I can make myself be so paranoid and then there isn't anything to worry about really. I've been trying to give myself a good routine of things everyday though so that my brain is tired and my body is tired and then my thoughts don't wander to all sorts of scary places so much.

I took my first upped dose of my mood stabilizer today though and then I was being weird and searching how the meds work, and how it makes my thoughts calm down by making my brain not so stimulated, and it's like i'm easily suggestable, so my brain is like...oh yeah ok! and then even if the upped dosage isn't even in my body really yet, my brain is convinced it's working so much better, and I'll start to visualize how it feels to not be so anxious, or easily irritated or triggered by every tiny little thing....I'm such a weirdo some days, but it made my day run smoother to image it working like that, like there was a soother for my frazzled nerves working it's magic on me.

Today was very comfy, cozy and quiet. It was really cold, and still no heater here so I woke up at like 10 and fixed cream of wheat, because it's like my comfort food when i'm cold or sick, or just feeling little, and i snuggled up in front of the tv, watched blue's clues and just generally felt little. and then I talked lots to my friends, and posted, and we listened to "Adventures in Odyssey"(which is a kid's christian radio program me and my mommy listen to together lots) and we baked brownies too! an cept I was not suposda eat 4 brownies and it was very bad for my blood sugar, but my mommy says, nobody can be perfect all the time, so it was ok....just this once she says!~giggles~

And me and my mommy talked bout some more sewing projects I'm going to work on, and found more scraps round the house and I was just plotting stuff. and then I was talking to someone tonight and it reminded me how much i miss playing my sims game, and how I used to love that, and how there are lots of things I used to love that i hardly do anymore, so I'm gunna make a real effort to try more to do them now too, and that makes me feel more productive, an less depressed this time of year, when i feel like everyone has more of a life then me.

And it's starting to get really cold tonight, we even have a frost warning for tomorrow morning ....in texas! brrrr so I got blankets in the dryer to stay warm with tonight! hehe

Lotsa people, are being really super nice and concerned bout this whole halloween issue I got, an cept, I'm just not ready to talk about it yet, so I really, really appreciate all the nice private messages, and I mean that so very sincerely with all my heart and soul, just give me time, cause it's really not an easy thing to just jump right into saying at all, but I think as each day goes on, the mask I wear gets peeled off more an more an I get closer to being able to get through my past, and move on with my iife more without those scary monster flashbacks consuming me....least I can hope it works that way.

~snuggles up in my fresh smellin' dryer warmed blankets for the night~

2006-10-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

Today I had to wake up way early to go see the psychiatrist. I'd had blood work done and so there was med adjustments that had to be done, cause it's sorta scary, but one of the meds I'm on, the level that is theraputic, is very close to the level that is toxic, and so I hafta be careful and get blood work done lots and so my level wasn't at the right level yet so i hafta take even more pills blahh! And also, since she thinks this pill will help me, she wants me to stop taking my sleeping pill and that kinda scares me too because I get really antsy sometimes about not being able to fall asleep, and it's at night time that my thoughts tend to wander the most and so I'm worried I won't be able to sleep, even with these new meds calming my mind down more. and so I guess I just have to get used to it though, and really like, if i could convince myself that something like a vitamin was a sleeping pill I probably wouldn't be so worried, I'm strange like that, very gullible and easily distracted and persauded by things.

My blood pressure was good today too, and that's really the first time it has been and so it's kind of encouraging to see everything isn't totally falling apart health-wise. I hafta go see my regular doctor on monday and that just starts to make me feel like all I ever do is see doctors lately and it's kinda depressing.

But after we got home today, my mommy made pork chops for lunch and then we played some. and then I watched tons of just kid stuff on tv like arthur and franklin and full house and stuff and so it was nice and cozy, cause it's chilly outside and we still dont got a heater an so bein all wrapped up in the blankets was very nice to snuggle in front of the tv. And we cleaned house lots, because we just been kinda lazy, but me and my mommy are trying to make a big effort ro get things cleaned up and keep them more neat and so we're working hard at doing that.

I really wanted to watch tv again tonight, I kept hoping for a good friday night movie, but it was all just scary halloween stuff, and so I just stayed online, which is just as good, because i got to talk to lots of my friends, and so I feel really good about how my day went. I still feel really confused and hurt and scared about things happening with my family, and just I don't know how to get those emotions out yet, I feel like I want to scream one moment, and fall down in tears the next. One second I'm a raging zoomin mass of anger, and the next i long to just be wrapped up in the hugest hug ever and just stay there, and I feel like it's not right for anyone to deal with me being so moody, so I struggle with not putting on that happy mask, and i struggle with being real, and letting people see me for who I am.

Sometimes I just wish it was easier to express myself, without it sounding to people like I was angry AT them, but just angry at a situation, or I just want to vent, and I don't have a tangible source to aim all my frustration at. Sometimes I wonder why it has to hurt so much, and why was it so easy to play and laugh and be silly before, and now it's a struggle, now I have a past, and most of it is full of amazing memories, it's just those times when my heart has gotten stomped on thoroughly, that I wonder if it's all worth it. But then I look back and see all of the people surrounding me, and I know I'll be ok....I just need time....an lots of it.....thank goodness for the patience my family an friends have....~nodding lots an lots~

Life....

2006-10-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today when I saw my councilor, we talked about some stuff thats really important to me. We talked about why I always think I don't fit in, and how self conscious I always am in social situations. It's funny because maya isn't a very shy part of me, she's out going and friendly, and even when she is akward, she just keeps right on zooming....but in real life it's soooo not me, I'm so shy an jus I hide all up in myself so much that people hardly ever really get to see who i am.

My councilor doesn't totally understand about maya yet, but I think she wants to, and so when I see her in two weeks, I have to make two pictures. The first picture is about maya, and about that part of my life I really enjoy, and I have to make it like a collage and just include all of maya's interests, and just i can make it into a book if i want she says and just do whatever to present that part of myself to her.But the other side of that, is I hafta show her the side of me in real life too, the side that's lacking in confidence and feels like it has nothing to offer the world. And so, I'm not sure I see her point in this yet, but at least it will be a challenge and keep me busy for the next two weeks. and I have the homework I've had for almost a month now, and thats that everyday, i have to write down 3 positive things that happened in my day. And it seems at first like it would be easy, but when I was finding it to be harder then it seemed, she said it's because i don't really believe that I'm worthy of all of the positive things that are in my life, and so working on that self-worth is something we're doing alot of.

I still feel very much like there is something deep and evil clawing at my insides some days, and like I can't escape the fear that all of the flashbacks that surround me this time of year are going to just overwelhm me so much....but I know that I can do it. She told me, right when I first started counciling, that the things i wanted to work on from my past, were not going to be easy things, but that her job, and my caseworkers job, is to give me the right coping skills to deal with them safely now.

No progress in the land of sewing, I actually havent sewed anything in almost a week, not because I've lost interest, actually I'm just such a perfectionist that i want to make stuff be all perfect the first time and so part of me is waiting until I can buy some fabric scraps from wal-mart on the first, but i have tons of them here too....I'm just weird wanting to plot things out and have them turn out 'just so' even if part of learning new things should be making mistakes, in my world it's always been all or nothing, and i don't leave myself room for mistakes.Well I'm gunna hush now....I see my psych doc tomorrow for some med adjustments I think....so i should get to bed early.~zooooms~

Learning new things!

2006-10-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm teaching myself how to sew. This is really significant to me 'cause when I was a biokid nobody ever had patience for such things, and it's something I've just suddenly been sparked by wanting to do. I've mostly been reading websites, but today my mommy actually sat down with me and showed me how to do two kinds of stiched and so we ripped up an old shirt I never wear and made pouches out of the sleeve by sewing up the ends and it was neat because I really didn't do too bad on it at all. We don't actually own a whole lot of sewing stuff right at the moment though so next month I think that might be what I do because I just have all of these plots for things I could do.

I think that having little projects to do will help me through this next part of the year though because this is when I usually tend to get so depressed and close my off to things and people, and so maybe having this will keep me from just sleeping all day and just not feeling quite so useless all the time. And in a way it's like being able to stare down all those things my biomom said about me not being able to learn to do this because it would be too hard for me to see, or too hard to do this or that, and it's just like saying...."I did it, so there!!". Which is silly why after all these years I still care very deeply what she thinks, even though I kinow she is never going to be proud of me, and I'm never going to be good enough for her because I don't do things just exactly, perfectly her way.....

And so when I was finishin up my little projects for the day, I was so happy, it was the best feeling in the world for my mommy to pick them up, look at them and say "very good" that.....was the best feeling in the world.

Behind the mask

2006-10-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

Some times I want to feel seperate. Like not from anything or anyone specific, i just want to find myself, without the labels that go along with it.

Like in real life I don't want to be "that blind girl" or at the hospital be "that medical miracle". I don't always want to be "the zoomy one" an just different stuff I want to find who I really am deep inside.

I'm not sure if I can do that, but I want to, I want to see what everyone else says they see....it's just hard to break past those things, pull down the walls and really be myself.

Sometimes when I think about what really makes me "me", I don't even know, because I've spent so much time trying to please other people, that who I am, has gotten lost in the shuffle.

I'm trying to have the courage to accept all of the love around me, to accept that not only do I deserve it, but I deserve to have my own thoughts, opinions, likes and dislikes, and all of the things that go with being a real person, beyond the shell of a mask I hid behind for so long.

On the tip of my tongue....

2006-10-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.....some days, I should have tons to say, and like....I don't. Only it's those kind of days most of all that this aching longing to get all of these emotions out, seems to push the hardest at me. I went to see my caseworker today, and then right after that my councilor. It was neat to get to show off the new dayplanner I bought, it's pretty and colorful and it's got flowers on it and I like it lots, and I told her I bought a new desk chair and it was kinda neat, cause she was proud of me. And there was another thing too....that I'm only gunna write bout in my private blog, but when I told her I hadn't done this thing that was bad for me, in a week, just to hear the proudness in her words and see it in her smile was just absolutly amazing...it made me want to try to not do that thing for a whole other week now too! I don't know if i'm really strong enough to do it, and I'm kinda antsy feelin' bout messin' up, but I'm trying to worry about the right here and now, and not what might happen in a day or so.

We went on the walking group today again too, and so it was fun to get to do that, cept I have an ouchie thing on my foot so i didn't walk hardly at all an they hadda come get me halfway through. Somedays I do so good that I want to show off to all those doctors, and then some days, it gets so utterly hard and I get so scared of things creeping back into being bad and, it's just like I get all nervous and worried that I'll relapse again, and I'm just kinda....paranoid, I think it's because it's always been this time of year that I have gotten the sickest before, and so it's really just hard to not see this time of year in a positive light sometimes too like I should. And then halloween does not come with good memories for me at all, and that's just another thing I'm not quite ready to blog about yet.....

I'm just full of achy feelings I want to get out and I can't yet, but I wanted to post so people knew what was up, which is kind of a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot of everything all at the same time I guess.

Busy but fun weekend!

2006-10-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

We got our money on Friday and we had soooo much fun this weekend. I don't think I can really accuratly capture it all in words, cause it was the first time I really got to spend a weekend as just me in a real long time. The first thing we did was pay all our bills, an that's something we used to be real bad about, was procrastinating on them. An then we went to the cotton patch to eat, which is like southern home cooking style food and I had chicken quesodillas. And I did something else good too, because I didn't eat them all, just half of them and i saved the other half til later that night.

And then we went to wal-mart and I bought a dora the explorer watch, an it's biokid sized so it doesn't fit me, but my mommy is going to improvise with some stuff like velcro an stuff to make it so it will fit me. And I bought a Dora the Explorer "Let's Go Carnival Adventure" playset, and its fun because it has little carosel horses an stuff to play with dora an boots on.

and then yesterday we went to tons an tons of yard sales and got new books, an elmo guitar thing and even a new desk chair for just 10 dollars an it's brand new, just that some rich old lady didn't like the style of it so now I got it and i love it! and then we ate at the chinese place for lunch, and at wendy's for dinner. But it was kinda good, cause I tried hard to eat healthy and I didn't do a bad job either my blood sugar hasn't been bad at all lately.

And we went to the dollar tree yesterday and i got new card games, "old maid, crazy eights and memory" and also i got a strawberry shortcake puzzle and a care bear puzzle and two my little pony coloring books, a care bears and a strawberry shortcake coloring book and more junie b jones books too!

I was soooo super spoiled. and then we bought snacks an stuff, like healthy snacks so i'll feel like im still able to be little, but i also can keep my blood sugar under control, so we got dora yogurt, an fruit snacks. and then we also got granola bars an trail mix an just fun stuff. It might seem like silly stuff, but it was lots to me!

And today we went out to a buffet style place, just me an Dawn and i like those times, cause she wasn't so cranky, an even though I have talked bad bout Dawn lots in the past, she's like having an older sister. I like how she looks out for me, an how she holds my hand when we cross the street an just little things that show she cares even for all of the times I've screamed an vented about her to the world. This afternoon I even spend some time putting one of my puzzles together, playing with my little ponies amusement park set i havent touched since before we moved in june and coloring some in my new books. It was calm and cozy while my mommy took a nap today.

An now I'm back home, lettin' my big take care of stuff now too but gosh what an amazin' weekend. I want to do it again! ~giggles~

Clinging to hope....

2006-09-28T16:43:00.000-07:00

Learning to be loved is hard. I guess that's been my biggest struggle of all lately. Because admitting that I want to be loved, hugged, and shown affection, is like assuming I might actually be deserving of it too, and that's a really scary realization to come to. Because ever since I was 6, it wasn't ok, it wasn't ok to cry, or show emotion, and yet lately, all I have done is be emotional. And it's just left a big ugly mess everywhere I go it seems.

But I'm slowly coming out of my fog, and it might come back, because learning all these things that are the oppisite of what I learning the first time around isn't easy, replacing those old tapes with new ones, takes a lot of patience, but I'm not giving up. I wanted to give up, very much so, but my friends and family won't let me. And that's a good thing to not be allowed to do.

So I might be slow but, I'm not going to make up excuses to hide anymore. So feel free to poke and prod and otherwise bug me when I'm not around....I might seem cranky an push you away....but inside my heart is usually so very relieved that people do care enough to wonder.

I'm stuck.....

2006-09-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm too much trouble. I don't really want to be taken care of at all right now. Maybe I need to be, but I really do just want to disappear. When I first was discovering this Maya side of me I wasn't really even thinking about a mommy back then, and some days I'm still not. Somedays even a hug from my r/t mommy, is a huge trigger into a past filled with horrific flash backs. I have to take this so very slow now because I have torn down the walls, and I have peeled off the mask, and at this point in my life I'm more vulnerable then ever.

It almost feels like, the world is mocking me, like they say it's ok, but maybe it's really not. There aren't any easy answers to all of this. I feel like people are trying to think up cute cliches to say to me. But what i treasure most is the people i can flop down and have a good pout with. Those people who just let me be myself, even when it means being quiet for hours, just holding my hand.
I really just wish I was gone. I want just my big and not me. It hurts too much to feel, way too much. I don't want to be held, or rocked or told sweet things to, it makes me feel like my heart will explode. I don't want to be real, I don't want to feel. It just hurts too much, way too much. I don't want to be like this anymore.....I just don't!

~flops down and sighs~

Changes.....

2006-09-26T03:53:00.000-07:00

Some days, I don't want to exist anymore. It's not because of anything bad, I just don't want to have to 'feel' so much all the time. I am trying so hard to play, but it's not getting any easier, in fact sometimes it's outright too hard. I get plenty of time I *could* be playing during, I just never really feel like it, I just feel bigger, and i feel like being there, but I don't want to really be, "me", that feels like something I want to hide away from the world when I am now, like something I start wanting to only share with me and my mommy, even if it's wrong to be that way. I used to be able to be little around anyone, and now it's changing.

For a while, I thought the extra vulnerability I felt, meant I felt younger as an IK, but during the last few days, just in talking with friends I've discovered that's not really true. 6 is how old I'm always going to be, and it's important for me to stay 6. 6 was how old I was when I was told I was too old for hugs, and it was like in that one instant in my life, I knew I had to grow up, by the time I was 8 I was more of a parent to my little brother then either of my parents were. I taught him how to read and write when everyone else gave up on him, I did all of the things I shouldn't have, cause I should have been playing like a real kid. 6 is my magic age, and it's always going to be, because it's the age I hafta leave to heal from, because I'm learning it's ok to say I'm 6, and want to act younger sometimes, but always really be 6 in my heart, and nobody is going to say, "Aren't you a little old for that?" in a condescending kind of way.

I feel kind of achy and longing for something, but I don't know what it is, like it's right on the top of my tongue, but I can't get it to come out. Talking little doesn't come easy for me anymore, it's only with a very few people that i feel like I can really be me. I don't really know why all of this has happened, it's partially I think because when I stopped being happy for everyone all the time, and started to be myself, it was a very big flood of emotions and I need to feel free to express them at my own pace. But sometimes I feel rushed, like people don't really want to be as patient as they seem to be. I'm fearful the world is going to give up on me, or try to say that I'm doing things wrong. Somedays it's just going to suck, and it's not like there is anything anyone can do to fix it, it's just a part of life I have to live through. I have to experience these emotions no matter how impossible it seems to get through and no matter how much it wears me out.

I don't really know what's happening to me, I think it happens alot this time of year, I get all pondery, and like dreaming for some kind of idealistic perfection, like thinking of upcoming holidays, and wanting the picture perfect life I see in the little fairytale I have in my mind, but knowing my real life will never quite live up to it. And then just the holidays in general just bringing up super scary memories and feelings and it makes me extra clingy to my mommy, and like closing out the rest of the world, no matter how good their intentions are.

Guess I've rambled enough for today.....

Heartache

2006-09-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

zoomer's lesson of the day:

It's ok to miss people who aren't in my life anymore.

It's ok to still love people, even if they can't be the same as they were before. It's ok for my heart to still care, and ache and long to be there for them. If I didn't I wouldn't be human. Today was a very moody, kind of cranky day for me, so I'll try and write more tomorroe, but I wanted to put that in my blog.

I love my family with all of my heart and soul....I just need time to heal too. But it'll get better, I just gotta hold on an believe that.

Busy week!

2006-09-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

This was a really busy busy week for me!!

First I went to see my caseworker on tuesday, and she got me set up with my first appointment with my new councilor that was on Thursday, (more about that next). But w also talked about other things on Tuesday, like what kind of goals I want to set in my life and such. And I told her I flat out just didn't know, that alot of times people ask me what I want, or what I like, or what I think about things and i find myself just really not knowing at all what it is that I actually want, because I have spent so much time in my life wearing a happy mask for people that I'm literally clueless as to who I really am in lotsa ways. So now before Tuesday, i have to make a list of things I want to do in the next 3 months. She says I should put silly things, and serious things, even if it's that i want to like take more bubble baths or something, and then she also said, next week she's going to work with me on things like relaxation techniques, to help me not be so anxious all the time, so it was a good productive visit with her and I hadn't felt that productive in a while.

And then Thursday I met my new councilor, and she wasn't what I expected at all! she was really super nice and not that i expected her to be mean, but after my last couple of experiences being so bad, it was very comforting to feel like someone was really listening to me. We talked alot about me wanting to feel less stuck where I am in life right now, and to be able to like get out more to do things and mostly she asked questions and listened to my answers and it was really nice to just feel positive about this whole counciling thing now.

And then after my counciling session we had our walking group, and we went to a different place then the track this time, we went to a park that has a big winding path all through it and it was just a really nice day for a walk, there was a good breeze blowing and it was just really good to feel like I was making more progress in that area of my life too. I took lots of breaks on the benches, but when we got done, they said they thought this path was longer then one turn around the track, so I actually walked longer and that was great to know!

And then today was our wellness group, and it was just me and 3 other people, so the leader took us on a feild trip and we toured the YMCA here, so we could also get info on scholarships so we don't have to pay hardly anything for membership, and so I'm seriously considering doing that and getting signed up with water aerobics classes soon because I think it will be really good for me to have yet something else to be active and involved with.

It's just been a really lazy night tonight, my back hurts some, so even though I have lots more thoughts zooming around my head, I'm going to cut this short and hopefully blog more tomorrow.

Another long day....

2006-09-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

I thought today would be better, but it wasn't. It's not that I don't think it'll ever be better, just that even though whn I woke up this morning, and I felt "ok", I was still worn out emotionally from yesterdays events. And then today, I was feeling extra sensitive to stuff and it was just icky at times. So I was hidin' lots from people, an not wantin' to really let them in past any of my walls, I wanted to stay quiet, but I felt like stayin' quiet was lettin' my friends an family down, so I was forcing myself to talk to them at times, and then that felt horrible too.

So if I seemed quiet, whiny, grumpy and off today, it's not you....it's really me just working through lots of feelings, and I just needed a quiet day to think lots. Tomorrow will be better, i don't have any icky doctors appointments to fret over, and I have decided that tomorrow HAS to be better, it might not be great, but it's got to at least keep getting better, cause my family an friends keep tellin' me it will....so I just got to hold onto that hope.

some cheese with that?

2006-09-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

Today was a really whiny day for me. I was really, really happy for the past two days, it was almost a giddy kind of happy where every emotion was so overly exaggerated that I knew I had to come down from that high eventually. It wasn't that today was bad, just that my ear was aching, and my tummy was a little upset, and I'm nervous cause I hafta go to the eye doctor tomorrow, and I hate eye doctors! I can deal with almost any kind of doctor's appointment and not be afraid, and for someone who was born legally blind you would think I would be used to eye doctors, but I just really hate them alot. I'm supossed to have a diabetic eye exam tomorrow though, where they check to make sure I don't got the signs of retinopathy, and that's kinda scary cause i know this particular eye doctor here, he doesn't just use the little eye puffer thing, he actually likes to use the thing that probes the surface of my eye and....~shudders~ I just hate it!

An also I'm nervous feelin' in my tummy 'cause part of me wants to stand up to all of this and say, that I'd really like it if when he dialates my eyes, maybe if he doesn't see anythin' that makes him want to look further, maybe he can skip the scary part for this time...but saying no to any kind of medical procedure, is a real trigger for me, it makes me remember stuff from bein' a kid and the stuff my biomom did to me, with the whole munchausen by proxy thing, and wanting all of the attention she got from *making* her kids sick and so....part of me really wants to say, no, but part of me also just wants to be brave and get it over with and....I'm just whiny today.

I haven't had a full blown tantrum like I did today in a long time, but when my mommy asked me what I wanted for dinner, somethin' in me just broke inside. All of the emotions I've been holding in just came tumbling out one after the other and I just lost it completely. I was crying and sobbing and just shaking so much. And then this afternoon even when my Aunt Sam wanted to hold me...I hardly never had let any adults online do that, it always makes me cringe and feel all shy and so fragile inside, but I was tryin' so hard to just let myself not get closed off, and to not want to run away, but I don't know why all of those feelings were so insanely intense today, but they were. Even just reading words on a screen, I could feel the tangible presence of someone saying they wanted me and my heart needed to hear it so badly, so much i just wanted to say....this hurts, but dont stop holding me, don't ever let go! but I was so afraid too....I'm so grateful for my family....I just hope I never hurt them with my freaky mood swings.

I hope my family doesn't hate me for bein' a bit whiny an extra little tonight....part of me is fearful an afraid of bein' a letdown, but I just had one of those days where it was all too much, and now I just want to curl up, and listen to a story with my mommy....~sighs~

The Magic....

2006-09-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

When I first entered this world of ageplay, this journey that led me to find out so much about myself, life wasn't full of family relationships. Back then I watched other people's families form, break apart and then reform, and I watched the few relationships that lasted, and I was oblivious to either, I didn't want any part of needing a Guardian....back then I longed for, and craved so desperatly for friends. and I made them quickly, but i still held them all at a distance. I didn't lay claim to brothers, sisters, cousins and aunts until just this past few months, and even then, I haven't done it lightly. So much has happened to me since I first found this part of me that feels 6. And it's not things that have happened to the big me, but things that have directly influenced who I am when I'm fully emmersed in being maya. I feel so vulnerable lately, like every little thing is really happening to a small child, a very real child in my heart who is being forced to deal with very big emotions and some of it just tugs at me and brings me to tears. I've never even been someone to cry so much before, but lately, I spend so much time doing that, it's like after having been held in for so many years of my life, the fact that for the first time ever i have this cocoon of safety, of people that care surrounding me.....and the flood gates just gush forth.

But anyhow, back to my original point, that very first innocent magic of just playing like crazy, fast paced, life passing by and just doing things like kids do without analyzing it, or thinking too much, just reacting like a kid would, is back for me again. And it's just so amazing! I love my fasmily, I love my friends and I love the way life feels now, full of life again and with so much joy and happiness. I mean life is eventually going to have it's downward turns and valleys but, I want to keep blogging, even when it's happy, because I want to remember these times later on when I do get sad, I want to be able to remind myself that the magic is still there, and that it's not really so much magic as it is lots of love....and being so very blessed.

~sprinkling some of that fairy dust around though just in case it helps it stay~

sweet an sour

2006-09-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

Lotsa stuff been happenin....

Tuesday Sierra, my mommy's dog was run over by a car and killed almost instantly. I had such a hard time with this, I couldn't seem to cry, but I was definatly sad and down and just......im really good at blocking out things in my life I don't want to deal with and death is one of them, i just make myself numb to it and so I still don't know what to do with my emotions about it all yet.

On better news, I have a new brother in ageplay, and I love him with all of my heart and soul, because even before he was my brother, in my heart he already was and so now, there is no doubt in my mind that my family is like it should be. i lost a sister though, my big lost her little girl, and things with that are kinda blahhh, but i have the most awesome family ever, my big loves her nice and nephew with all of her heart and its just sooo cool how things have worked out so well even in the midst of alot of other yucky things.

I just wanted to add this entry in....I hang out at innerchild world now, it's the new home of me and my family....the link will be on the side soon, come check it out!

~zoooooooooms~

Raining and the sun comes out....

2006-09-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

I don't feel quite so out of place like I did a few days ago. I was just getting into this huge funk and I was starting to feel depressed too, but I'm slowly getting over it. I have such an amazing support network of friends and family, and so little by little the need to play is coming back, and my mommy actually wants to play with me now, she actually wants to be around. The world is starting to feel like a wonderful place again!

And it's different from before, I can be bouncy and happy, and know I am loved. I can be sad, angry, mad, frustrated, silly, manic, crazy...well not tooooo crazy hehe, and know I am loved. And....I can be the inbetween everyday me and...still be loved! The balance of things is getting back into focus. The big part of me is absolutly the happiest she's ever been because she has a neice now along with her two little girls, and life just is really starting to feel ok for now.

On Saturday I got to buy toys and sooo....I got 4 new books, they are Ramona Quimby books, which are my favorite book from when I was a biokid, and I wanted to buy more Junie B. Jones books, but they'll have to wait til next month i think. And I got a HUGE Dora the Explorer draswing pad with 20 pictures to color in it. and new crayons, and a printer so I can print coloring pages offline! And we bought Candyland, only Dora themed of course! And so I was very spoiled this weekend!

It's been raining buckets here...and West Texas is not suposda be this wet, an so if any of you people in other places are missin' any rain we got it! An wet cows are smelly!~gigglin an holds nose~

There are still alot of things to work out in my heart. Aot of things my family has to deal with and get through together but....I think I just need patience and to give it some time. I'm not a very patient person, but I'm gunna really try on this one!

~zooms off~

feeling small....

2006-08-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

I feel small and fragile lately. It's hard for me to play, but I'm trying. It's like everything is so intense and real, and it didn't used to be that way, but it is now. Now, what people see is the real me, and the real me is still afraid of going outside without the happy mask on. The real me isn't always bouncy and zoomy. And yet my friends and my family were right because it really is ok to be me....but it also means life feels harder some days. It feels like I have to consciously think of things that before my mask did for me. Now instead of smiling and saying everything is ok, I have to think how it really is, and when it's not ok, it seems to hurt worse.

I stopped going to my councilor. But not in a bad, I'm rebelling against therapy kinda way, in fact it was a very scary thing to admit that he wasn't helping me because our personalities just didn't match up well. It was scary to say, I'm sorry but I have to try someone else, because in the past, when iwas wearing my happy mask, I would have just shrugged and continued to go to him. But part of all of this is that, I don't need to impress people for them to love me. I don't need to do what other people think is the best thing, for them to accept me. Those are hard things to remember.

My mommy is really starting to listen to me now, and that's alot of why I feel more fragile and small too. Because the actual tangible and conscious realization that someone is watching out for me, taking care of me and notices what i asm up to, the fact that she invest so much into my life and loves me sooooo very much and accepting that love, trusting that it's unconditional and has no bearing on what I do, or how I'm feeling or how good of a kid I am...that it's just because she lvoes me for me....it's still very amazing to me. I still ask her 20 times a day if she loves me, and why she loves me, even after all these years.

It's hard to allow people in to care because that means they take time out of their days, time they could be spending doing other things, being with me, talking to me and even thinking about me. And I still struggle so much with believing I'm worth of that attention....and so it's scary. Becoming not so numb is scary, i see things in ways I never really considered before and it's....just made me very reflective....but....i need to try and play some still too....

I need the magic back.

Deep in the heart...

2006-08-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I learned something really important about myself. and it was something really hard to admit, and I really cried as I was seeing it for the first time through someone else's eyes but my own. Part of me trying to take off my happy mask lately is that, I can really, really truely be myself, and while that in and of itself is scary what's more scary is that I am seeing I don't know myself as well as I think I do.

Little things that used to take no thought at all to decide I realize that, when I'm not trying to impress the world so that people will love me, I don't really like or want to do the same things that I've worked all these years to convince my heart that I do. And it took a very special friend, a very patient friend to help me see that it's really ok not only to be myself, but that in being myself, I don't gotta feel guilty about that, i don't hafta try to be there for everyone to keep them in my life. Because my real friends, aren't going anywhere, they like me just as I am.

I still squirm when I remember those words, and I still want to scream that it's not true, I want to cry out in pain that I need to fight against how bad and awful I must be, but....my job isn't to be a momma....my job is to just play and be silly and maybe my big has that responsibility to be an adult when the time comes for that(and that's just not part of this blog so anyhoo) but me....just me just like I am, just needs to play and have fun, and not feel any shame over letting other people take care of me, and just relaxing in knowing that the adults in my life have it all under control.

And just being able to have fun and play is a real struggle for me sometimes still, especially when I know how sensitive life has made me lately....trying to be the real me is harder then just bouncing and zooming, because I have to give up the control, resist the urge to smile and say its ok...stop feeling numb and just experience things without that fake protective armor. Cause as much as i think it protected me, it didn't let the good people in neither, it just kept everyone at a safe happy distance, never letting them any closer then I think the happiness will last for.

My real friends, my real family, they are so awesomely amazing, and I just have to trust that as much as I say I love them, as much as I know I would do anything for them to make them happy, to keep them safe, that they are always going to do the same for me as well. I just gotta find it in my heart to believe that really and truely and it'll all be ok.

Worth.....

2006-08-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the truth all boils down to the fact that it's easier to accept an insult, then a compliment. It's easier to believe people hate me, then to accept the love and care that's surrounding me. It's easier to beat myself up over tiny little flaws, then to really see that I'm worth anything at all.

It's easy to be smiley an happy, to wear a mask of sunshine and rainbows, but it's harder to open up the door to my heart, and show people what feels so incredibly ugly inside. It's the hardest thing in the world to not smile and say everything is ok.

It's fear, that they will say stop whining so much.
It's the sickening impending doom of rejection.
It's like a black misty cloud, that sprinkles rain only on me.

And it aches so badly, to just be free.....and even when the whole world is telling me over and over that I don't gotta be happy for them, that I don't gotta be bouncy or zoomy, even when I know that with every ounce of my being.....for some reason, having the faith to step out into uncharted waters, and find that it's solid, is so incredibly hard. Even when there are a million hands waiting to catch me when I fall.....even when I can hear a soft low rumble of encouragment being whispered to my heart....I still falter, and run back behind my mask where it's safe, or at least where it feels safe.

Somethin as simple as receiving a hug, being taken care of, even just someone saying calming things to me....and I burst into tears. It's just so very scary, even when my own mommy still says "I love you", I cringe, I curl back, and sometimes it's so hard to believe it's really true. The very things that I crave as much as the air I breathe, are still the hardest things to feel and touch and get close to.

And so....even though it may seem like all I do is whine lots lately.....it's because somehow this journey I'm on lately, is alot harder then I thought. My heart felt so numb for so long, and now, letting feeling back into it, is so hard. I know that in time....things will get better....just that right now they feel very much impossible from this side of the mountain I'm climbing.

~puttin my pen down for now~

Contentment

2006-08-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

Today was a reallu good day all in all. It started out scary by seeing the psychiatrist, but it turned out that the guy was really nice! And so he listened to all the things I told him I was havin' problems with, like being extra emotional and getting angry or easily irritated at stuff...it's hard lotsa times to admit that kinda stuff, because I always work so hard to be so happy, but lately it feels like my mask is unraveling at the seams, and I'm finding out the real me isn't so horrible after all....just human.

And so I have new meds to help stabilize my moods and to help me sleep better at night now. and my blood sugar was even good today, and I wasn't even really grumpy about it, I didn't feel sad when I couldn't eat chocolate an mountain dew, because I loved hearing from the nurse today how impressed she was with my blood sugar number, and it just made me smile so very much.

Two days of a break, to just chill an be happy an then i see my caseworker on tuesday. It's silly to want to write about such simple mundane things I think, but it really makes me feel proud to see how much my life has changed for the better in the past month. I even lost 5 pounds! And so even though it's been some roller coaster ride of adjustments, I'm content with my life now.

Me and my mommy listened to our radio program together today, and we're getting to talk more lately, she actually asks me how i feel about things like my councilor, or my doctor and it's just nice and cozy lately, it's not perfect by any means, but I'm learning perfect isn't all it's cracked up to be either.

~puts down my pen an zoooooms for the night~

Hard days....

2006-08-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

I went to my councilor yesterday, but it didn't go well. And actually what was so horrible about it is the fact that, I don't think I'm good at vocalizing good about myself. I can open up my heart in a blog where there is time to sit and think in between words, and people will often comment how good I am at expressing myself....but speaking it outloud is the hardest thing in the world. As a result, I don't think my councilor really has a good picture of how my life is. I don't think I can really convey to him things like, how important ageplay is to me, and as a result, I feel like a huge chunk of how I relate to life just got cut off. He just keeps stressing how important it is to get out and do things, and I was so proud about how I went to the walking group, and to the wellness group and to see my caseworker once a week, that is going out three times more a week then I used to, and yet he still just acts like I need to hang out with what he terms it as...."normal people".

I hate the world normal in general, he keeps saying I need to develop adult interests, and to get involved in the community more, an it frustrates me so much that I literally came home in tears from it, and i'm not sure I want to go back to him, I went ahead and made an appointment, because he made me feel like I had to, and because having anyone disappointed in me just makes me feel like my heart is being ripped in two. What is sad is that my caseworker, who I'm sure has less education, or at least different training, really seems to care about me, and yet she isn't a liscienced councilor, but she's better at listening to me...she really cares. So I'm starting to become a bit jaded after my third councilor in a row....

And yet I still always wanna think it's gotta be me! It's gotta be that I can't really speak up, and yet I can speak up to my caseworker, she doesn't laugh when I talk about my little ponies or strawberry shortcake, or if she asks what I did that morning and it so happens I watched nickjr shows, she listens and smiles and says that if I am happy then that's what counts, and she really makes me feel good about myself.

Today I went to the wellness group, it was fun, they served healthy snacks for us to eat like veggies and low fat dips and cheese and whole wheat cracjers, it was fun and I learned alot about things and I got to meet some new people. I felt like I was around people who understood me. Today was definatly a better day then yesterday at least.

Tomorrow I go see the psychiatrist for the first time though....stay tuned til then....

~zoooooms~

Communication....

2006-08-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

Today, I woke up very early. Because I went to my very first walking group! Every week a group of people from the mental health center get together at the high school and walk around their track together. There were just two caseworkers, and one other lady there, but it still felt good to be around people, even if me and the woman walked really slow and it wore me out alot.
I got home, and I was still so energized! I thought I would be sleepy, but instead I find myself wishing and wishing my mommy would wake up and come do things with me. And when I asked her, when it would be ok to bother her again, she said not for 4 more hours from now!

~sighs~

I'm trying so hard to just stay quiet, do my own thing and give her time. Because if I bug her too much she will shut me out all day and I don't want that to happen. I want to really sit down and talk about stuff.....only I'm still very afraid too, I keep thinking I'm just going to make her mad at me for wanting to talk about, just stuff.

Me an her live together 24/7 for like 5 years, an cept we hardly ever actually just sit down and talk. And it's not because we're busy neither. It's because we both get depressed and shut each other out, and so my friends online know more about how I feel then she even does.

I want it to change....and so I keep hoping, and wishing that today can be different. but if it's not, there is always tomorrow.

2006-08-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

There are some days, when i am not happy. On some of those days I just want to scream. There are some people who think that havin' a mommy in real life, 24/7 is such a super great thing! An.....wait! I mean it is! I wouldn't trade the way my life is for the entire world's supply of mountain dew! But also that it is not always perfect. Some nights my life is like a fairy tale, and I get bedtime stories and bath times. Somedays I get to have picnics an tea parties, an sometimes I get to go to the toy store an then stop for ice cream onna way home! An on those days when I am surrounded by so much love and acceptence of who I am in my heart....all I can do is sigh contently.

However, most days are not like that. Most days I put myself to bed, or I play by myself. Most days I lay in bed an I'm super brat to my mommy about bedtimes, or takin my meds or gettin my finger poked. An on some of those days, she tells me I have frustrated her, an that I gotta be big an finish the thing myself, an so....I do!

An cept some people don't seem to understand this, because they don't think that things like this happen, an so when it happens that my big is not around.....they are super mad grumpy people! an cept, how come they should get endless nigths of uninterrupted routine, when I get maybe one night every 2 weeks that is even close to bein' that fairy tale perfect.
Sometimes....I wish that people could really take a good look....acause....I'm startin to loose my spark....an my heart feels like it's breakin' cause this picture perfect life, it's not my life....it's not....not....not.

~sighs~

I love my life, it's little, and broken....but it's mine.
I love my family and my friends.
I'm so very lucky.
I just, don't like the few people who forget it's not perfect by any means.

Struggles

2006-08-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

There are days when I'm so sure I'm going to struggle with this forever....this, aching feeling that makes me want to always stay happy, to not need to scream and cry and whine, to not be a burdon, to not be the squeaky wheel, or the one people always have to worry about....i want to not need any of that.........cause askin' for, an even more so the needin' of help can be so scary.

It's so scary to believe people want to be there for me, that I don't have to always be the one holding them up, that I should be able to trust that if they are my friends, if they are my true family, then they will want to do the same for me....but I have such a hard time accepting that still........

and deep down, I think it's cause I don't believe I deserve to really be happy. I can fake happy real good, I am super duper good at doin' that! But that real happiness, that's an emotion i'm still workin' on....cause it's so hard to just let go, be little and I forgot lots that it's really ok to be me, all of me....but bit by bit, my heart is learning.... becayse I have the most amazing family and friends, and they show me everyday, that it's ok.....to just be myself.

The blahs

2006-08-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

I feel lost lately. I don't really know why though. I'm kind of frustrated at having to deal with icky medical stuff so much, but I haven't even wanted to blog about that lately either. I just want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. It's like, I don't want to do anything and so the things I end up doing, are just half-heardedly done....

I feel lost, and I don't feel 6, I feel.....like 60! Like I just don't have it in me to have fun, everything ends up feeling very blah. And even when I tell someone I want to play with them, I end up puttin' it off an sayin, tomorrow we'll do this or that....cause I just don't feel like it.

My zoomyness is....well zoomin somewhere without me....an I want it back....

~sighs~

2006-07-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today felt kind of hard and exhausting for me.

Fasting BS-137
2 hours after lunch-135
2 hours after dinner 116

I'm not sure how come my number are backwards. Because my fasting BS is what is so high, instead of my after meal numbers, that are almost normal considering that I've not been able to get myself to a store to buy healthier food yet, not til next week sometime. So I'm going to ask around some of the diabetic support groups I've joined, to try an find out if they know what could cause this, otherwise I'll talk to my dietician on August 9th.

Another good thing is that its getting easier an easier to test my blood sugar. I don't cringe as much when the lancet makes that horrid 'click' noise, and I just feel alot more in control of my situation by doing it. Today was the first day I tested 3 times, but I think i might make it a habit, so I can have better control.

I know I talk lots about medical stuff in this blog, an it's like yeah thats what I made it fro too. But I might try to stick some of my ramblings into it as well. I think alot of my needing to do things this way is that often I don't feel comfortable venting about medical stuff in front of the whole world an so at least I know that the people that come here, do it becaue they WANT to, an not cause my message came up on the reccent messages list.

But tonight I am so tired and shaky and my wrists hurt, an so tonight, I am just going to end it here and go to bed I think. I didn't get alot of sleep last night and so I think that may have been why I felt so off tonight. i might take a melatonin to help me sleep along with my other night meds.

Goodnight friends!

Even better news!

2006-07-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

This morning my fasting blood sugar was 124! And with only being back on medication just for 8 days, i was very happy with that number with the anticipation that they would simply keep getting lower and lower. And then let's see for breakfast I had two peices of toast with very little butter. Then at lunch I had the other half of my portion of spagetti from last night. (I am getting better with being able to half the portions i normally would have eaten) and for a snack I had a 17 carb serving of doritos. And then at dinner I had a hormel kids entree of beans and weinies....it was a 37 carb meal so not too bad really since my dietician says i am allowed 45 for a meal and 15 for snacks. And 2 hours after dinner it was....107! That is the lowest number I have seen yet and i am sooo proud of myself. So I had a 16 carb serving of a little debbie snack, just for a treat for myself, but not an overload of a treat because I cut the snack in half and put it in a baggie for tomorrow!

I'm really really happy with this progress, because after being out of control for so long I think i have finally found something that truly will work, I have a doctor who truly listens and life just feels good and very happy.

The only really kinda bad thing is that my body isn't used to these normal blood sugar levels still....and so i get alot of headaches and low energy and nausea, but soon my body will remember what normal blood sugar feels like and i'll be back to reallllly zooming again! It's sad that I'm anxious to go back to my doctor and show him this progress,....an also find out how my blood pressure and cholesterol levels are too....but i gotta wait for now!

Da zoomer!!

Good news!!

2006-07-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

This morning my fasting BS (blood sugar reading after i didnt eat for at least 8 hours, or in this case 12 heh) was 135!! and that is so super good considering how bad my initial sugar reading was 349! and then tonight 2 hours after eating, a fairly card loaded meal, not on purpose, we just didn't have anything else fast and easy around, it was 131!!

Those numbers are within my target range of 140, an so soon i may get a new range of under 130 to aim for and it makes me so proud that just a week after being so unstable i am already getting so much better! I might get kinda fascinated with my numbers for a bit, but it's just because of how badly i do want to get better and be healthier.

I'm going to start using my ab roller and weights and other small exercise equitment i got again soon. and I even want to see about going and swimming at the YMCA sometime soon too. and me and my mommy worked out some good healthy meal plan ideas for when we go shopping next week! So all in all things have turned around alot for me. Sometimes the meds still make me a little drowsy and dizzy, and sometimes I have a bit of a yucky tummy ache because my body doesn't really know how to handle these more normal blood sugar levels, and other diabetics I've talked to, have compared it to your body being de-toxed of all of the sugar, and so my body has to learn what it feels like to be at normal numbers and then I will feel sooo much better!!

And so for now, I'm pretty happy today! An I also went to see my councilor, an cept you can read bout that in my blogs at GI, Phoenix Hope and the halian home.

~zooooooooomms!!~

Mental Health Screening

2006-07-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

I got my new glucose monitor today finally. It talks! Which is a very weid thing, because I thought i would have to pay extra money to get one that talked, so I feel kinda lucky about that! And the poker thing is not really even as bad as my old one was. My old one really was old! I got it in 2002 an so this one, I barely even felt the thing and it was just kinda sore for 5 minutes! So I'm going to not have as much motivation about being poked now and then maybe they will be able to make sure my blood sugar stays normal!

I went to my mental health screening tonight and it was really boring, and also really kind of scary. The guy there talked to me lots and asked me lots of questions about my symptoms, and that was hard because alot of times I don't really know what it is that makes me feel like this, and so I wish he would have let my mommy come in and tell him stuff, but he said he had to hear it from just me! ~pouts~

And then i had to talk to this boring lady about financial aide stuff, so she could make sure my insurance pays for their services, and it does so that was over fast!

And then I had to talk to another lady who was kinda mean, she made it sound like I want to be sick, and so i don't work because of that, instead of listening that I really got like no immune system and not only that but now my blood sugars are all messed up and my blood pressusre too! But soon I got to talk to the last person of the day, and she is called a case manager, and she told me how they will have small group meetings, so i could meet other people who struggle with the same things I do, and also they have people who teach stess and anger management and lots of things I know I need.

Tomorrow is my councilor appointment....so that's all for now, my day was very very busy!!

Meds and their side effects...yikes!

2006-07-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

These new meds are making me feel so blah! And it's likely I'll be put on more meds when I get back into mental health services again, but for now I'm just having horridlbe tummy pains, headaches, dizzyness, I hate it! i want to sleep like all the time! My doctor says to hang in for a little longer to see if the side effects go away on their own before we try anything else, but I'm so frustrated with it all!

I'm sneezing up a storm today!! I think something is blooming but it's really kinda icky.

I found out my new glucose meter will be delivered tomorrow and then it's back to poking myself everyday! But at least it will mean a better handle on the whole situation I hope. I'll be able to put things here then like what my blood sugar was, what I ate and even if it's nonsense to my friends i think it'll help me keep track of things and be more motivated in things. One day I want to buy a blood pressure cuff thing too.....so i can try and monitor my progress.

Well thats all for now!

Jus' another update!

2006-07-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

I am having such a hard week. It's even hard to admit that. My blood sugar was way high up! I'd been so good on just diet and exercise, and now I had to go back onto meds, and i had to have high blood pressure meds an cholesterol meds and blah! And it's so very silly, because all of the horrible bad symptoms, I was so worried about well....the good news is....I don't have lupus, but my doctor does suspect I got arthritis, but right now he wants me to try and work on getting my diabetes and blood pressure under control, and so he thinks that will even help all the icky feelings I've been having too.

I also found out the reason my blood sugar is so crazy is....i thought it was just fine! wanna know why? Cause my blood sugar monitor needed new batteries, an so they are sending me a whole new one......err i dunno why they don't just send me a battery but I'm not complaining! So no finger pokes til it gets here yay! But I don't want to have them at all really....~sighin~

The new meds are giving me really icky side effects, like an upset tummy, and headaches and making me super sleepy! My doctor says it can take a few weeks for them to wear off, but I really hope they do soon!

I'm gunna have a super busy week next week. On Monday I go to the mental health center in town, I wasn't on meds for my schizoaffective disorder for a long time, what that means is I have symptoms of both schizophrenia and bi polar disorder, it's very confusing! But I need to get on meds again really bad because i have been so super moody and cranky and stuff. Then on Tuesday, I have my very first appointment with a new councilor....and that's going to be very scary for me too....I'll write more about that in my other blogs though....I'm just updatin on the icky med stuff mostly!

Well that's all for now!

The doctor's visit

2006-07-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

This new doctor is so very nice! He's chinese, so he is a bit hard to understand becase he is very soft spoken, but he really took time to listen to me, and i could tell right away, he really is going to be able to help me. After running alot of blood tests....(I have a huge bruise on my arm), and alot of actual talking, (this is so rare for me to see in a doctor) he has put me on quite a different set of drugs then I've tried in the past that he thinks might help me.....and his office was so helpful.....I saw a caseworker who says she can arrange for my meds to be delivered right at my house, and I have appointments with some other specialists scheduled for august, so hopefully, these meds will start to work, and I'll have some newer, better doctors on my side in the future, and I'll start feeling better!!

More later....exhuasted right now....

Going to the doctor

2006-07-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with a brand new doctor, (my old one was a major jerk), and I'm mostly scared. Alot of doctors, well in my experience, have yelled at me whenever I have complained about certain symptoms and claimed it was all because I was diabetic, had high blood pressure, and didn't take care of myself. now those things can contribute to alot of things yes, but also, none of those doctors ever offered to help, they never sent me to diabetes classes, or told me things in my lifestyle to change, and since I didn't know, back then at least, I didn't do them an so now.....I have this big fat "non-compliant" on my record that makes doctors think I'm there to cause them major problems.

At any rate, I've been having lots of fevers, aches in my joints and have been so tired I sleep for like 18 hours a day sometimes, and so no matter what any doctor says it's not normal! So tomorrow, we leave at 1:30pm, to try and see what happens....and also this blog is set up, that in the event I'm put in the hospital, it can more easily be posted in by my family.

Which brings me to more about the not so sick me!

My name is Maya Papaya Hyperness Halien-Hunt.

but you can just call me Maya!~giggles~ I'm 6 years old and I have an amazing family. I have a mommy, and a 2 year old sister, named Issy, and an 11 year old sister named Leah, a 16 year old sister named Gala, an adult sister named Mae, and sometimes a 16 year old sister named Dawn....but she's goin' thru a rebellious stage so I get mad at her lots*noddin* I also got a brother, named Caleb, he's 7, which means he thinks he can pick on me cause he's bigger! ~humphs an giggles~

I also have lots of cousins, like shell_shell, she is 6 like me! And I also have cousins as part of da Halian family an lots of other people who care lots bout me. and an uncle and a cousin in real life who live in the same city as me!

I live in a big house in the country, we just moved here in June and it is a very awesome place to live, our neighbors have horses and other farm kinda animals, but we just have lotsa cats and 2 dogs named Lucky and Sierra. I like to have lots of adventures! I'd have them offline if I could go outside more so instead I just play as much online as I can. I'm mostly a really friendly person, I like to meet new people an make new friends!

And that's all for now!

~zoooooms~

PS. I have a super special sparkly purple princess zoomy chair! But I forget bout it lots cause I'm so busy playin!~smiles~

see ya'!!